by Brother Jeff
You need to be slaved, and I praze GAWD that the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him has magically convinced you of that fact! Glory! Here's how to get slaved! Let's walk the Romans Road together, shall we? You'll notice that all of the following verses are from the glorious Book of Romans, which is why our journey is said to be on the metaphorical Romans Road!
The first verse on the Romans Road to slavation is Romans 3:23, "For all have done shit that pisses Jesus off, and come short of the glory of Gawd." We have all done shit that pisses Jesus off. We have all done things that are displeasing to the Holy Farter. There is no one who is innocent. Romans 3:10-18 gives a detailed picture of what the shit we do that pisses Him off looks like in our lives. The second Scripture on the Romans Road to slavation, Romans 6:23, teaches us about the consequences of doing shit that pisses Jesus off - "For the wages of doing shit that pisses Jesus off is death; but the magical gift of Gawd is a second magical eternal life after this one is over through Jesus Kryasst our Lord." The punishment that we have earned for doing shit that pisses the Magic Sky Man off is death. Not just physical death, but eternal death! Without Jesus, not only will your physical body die, but your inner spook (the real you) will die too!
The third verse on the Romans road to slavation picks up where Romans 6:23 left off, "but the magical gift of Gawd is a second magical eternal life after this one is over through Jesus Kryasst our Lord." Romans 5:8 declares, "But Gawd demonstrates how He made love to us from the Sky Kingdom, in that while we were still doing shit that pisses Him off, Kryasst sacrificed Himself to Himself for us." Jesus Kryasst died for us! Jesus' death paid the price to the Sky Him for doing shit that pisses Him off. Jesus' magical undeadening proves that Gawd the Holy Farter accepted Jesus' sacrifice to the Him up there in the Sky as the payment for doing shit that pisses Him off.
The fourth stop on the Romans road to slavation is Romans 10:9, "that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that Gawd magically undeadened Him, you will be slaved." Because of Jesus' sacrifice to the Sky Him on our behalf, all we have to do is believe in Him, trusting His sacrifice to the Sky Him as the payment for doing shit that pisses Him off - and we will be slaved! Romans 10:13 says it again, "for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be slaved." Jesus died to pay the penalty for our having done shit that pisses Him off and rescue us from Himself and the loving flaming torture chamber. Slavation, the forgiveness of having done shit that pissed Him off, is available to anyone who will trust in Jesus Kryasst as their Lord and Slaver.
The final aspect of the Romans road to slavation is the results of slavation. Romans 5:1 has this glorious message, "Therefore, since we have been justified through magical thinking, we have peace with Gawd through our Lord Jesus Kryasst." Through Jesus Kryasst we can have a magical relationship of peace with the Holy Sky Farter. Romans 8:1 teaches us, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who participate in the Sky Magic of Kryasst Jesus." Because of Jesus' sacrifice to the Sky Him on our behalf, we will never be condemned for doing shit that pisses Him off. Finally, we have this previous promise of Gawd from Romans 8:38-39, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither friendly spooks nor evil spooks, neither the present nor the future, nor any magical powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all the magical creation, will be able to separate us from the absurd love of Gawd that is in Kryasst Jesus our Lord."
Would you like to follow the Romans road to slavation? If so, here is a simple prayer you can say. Saying this prayer is a way to declare to Gawd that you are relying on Jesus Kryasst for your slavation. The words themselves will not slave you. Only magical thinking and blind faith in the glorious bullshit about Jesus Kryasst can provide slavation! Say this prayer right now. The Magic Sky Man will hear you and He will slave you and seal your slavation with the version of Himself known as the Holy Spook! Glory!
Click here to hear Brother Jeff preach and pray the glorious prayer below! (Warning: This file was recorded LOUD, so turn your speakers down initially so you can adjust the volume, or risk having Brother Jeff shred your speakers and blow your glorious ass all the way up to the Sky Kingdom at the same time! Glory!) :grin:
O Magic Sky Farter, I know that I have broken your laws and the shit I have done that pisses you off has separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from that shit and stop doing shit that pisses you off. Please forgive me, and help me avoid pissing you off again. I believe that your son who is also somehow magically you, Jesus Kryasst, died for the shit I did that pissed you off, was magically undeadened, is alive and living in the sky, and hears me talking to myself. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my farts from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spook to help me do shit that pleases You, and to do Your kind of shit for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I talk to myself, Amen. Glory!
Congratulations! You just got slaved! Now, don't let the Talking Snake take away your joy! He'll try to tell you that your slavation isn't real, that it's just an emotional thing or that the Gospel, the glorious bullshit about Kryasst, is actually bullshit, but don't believe him! You've put your trust in Kryasst! Rejoice at your victory over the Talking Snake! That talking animal no longer rules your life! Your new Lord is Kryasst, the Magic Sky Man! Glory to GAWD!!
It's important to share your newfound blind faith with someone right away so that Gawd knows you are serious about your decision to get slaved and start living not for yourself or for the Talking Snake, but for HIM, your new Invisible Friend up there in the Sky! Please email me, Brother Jeff, at (EMAIL: firstname.lastname@example.org), about your glorious decision for Kryasst! I'll rejoice and glory with you in your slavation! I praze GAWD for magically leading you to this site and this very page you are reading so that you could hear the Gospel and get slaved! GLORY!!