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1/09/2007                                                                                       View Comments

The Three Keys to Heaven - By azsuperman01



Atheist explains why it is impossible to get into Heaven.

Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge, I am not God; nor have I any knowledge of dying or being reborn. I have no first-hand knowledge of an afterlife - or evidence that an afterlife exists.

There is no evidence that Heaven or Hell actually exist. Therefore access to Heaven can not guaranteed and no such guarantee is in any way implied.

There is no to know for certain which, if any, of the over 33,000 Christian denominations is true. Some denominations may require additional actions be performed before granting access to Heaven. Such actions may include, but are not limited to: Baptism by sprinkling; Baptism by immersion; Baptism in the name of Jesus; Baptism in the Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost; Cannibalism by Proxy; Confirmation; Ordination; Holy Matrimony; Vows of Silence; Vows of Celibacy; Vows of Poverty; Vows of Obedience; Fasting; Speaking in Tongues; Prophesying; Dancing in the Spirit; Taking up Serpents; Praying to Saints; Obeying Prophets; Obeying the Pope; Abstaining from Alcohol; Abstaining from Medical Treatment; Abstaining from Birth Control; Confessing your Sins; Self Flagellation; Paying Tithes; Paying Offerings; and Voting Republican.

This video assumed Christianity is the correct religion. There is no proof that Christianity is true, or that Jesus Christ actually existed. If any of the other 10,000 currently practiced religions are correct, or if some long-dead religion is correct, or if some as-of-yet-undiscovered religion is correct, then believing in Jesus may offend the real God (or Gods), and may result in torture, pain, famine, pestilence, death, eternal damnation, or may cause you to be reincarnated as a dung beetle. I am not responsible for any "Acts of God" which may affect you or your family as a direct result of watching this video or following the advice given.

It is highly probable that no God exists, in which case following the advice on this video will only result in wasted time, wasted money, and will make you look ridiculous. I can not be held liable for any damages, real or monetary, which result from following the advice on this video.

50 comments:

Anonymous said...

Who was it that said, "It is religion that will surely bring about the extinction of the human race," ?

Anonymous said...

'Who was it that said, "It is religion that will surely bring about the extinction of the human race," ? '

I don't know but I agree with him, lol.
Only with absolute conviction born of desperation or faith would anyone ever consider actually deploying nuclear weapons, considering that the rising tide of religion gives me the creeps, what if they get into power and decide to "smite the infidels"? Well, were f'd in the A when that happens...

paul said...

Logical Fallacy of Atheism:
There are too many religions that claim to be the exclusive ways to the heaven. So there must not be a heaven, there must not be a God. This argument disclosed another typical logical fallacies of the atheists. Let me explain to you through an illustration.
Suppose how can we treat the disease diabetes mellitus. There are 10,000 different medications offered by 10,000 quack doctors. The market is flooded with them. Now, is it ok for me to say that because there are so many quack medicines in the market there should not be a correct medication for Diabetes. There might be 10000 quack medications for the treatment of Diabetes, but there is only one true medication, Insulin for the exact cure. Similarly, there are 10000 religions who claim to be the ways to heaven. Only there is only one true way to heaven, the Lord Jesus Christ. There are no three keys, only one Key, the Christ.
Christians, through their human inclinations added many things to the simple plan of salvation God gave us in the Bible. But Christ is the only one way to heaven, in His own words, "No man cometh to the Father but by me" John 14: 6
Put aside your atheist garbage and rest in Christ, the sure foundation of the salvation.

Spirula said...

Notice how Paul has to resort to a scientific, evidence based illustration (treatment of diabetes) in an attempt to argue his (NO EVIDENCE) religion is the correct one.

mike said...

Paul, I am going to need you to come in on Saturday, yeah that would be great, and I am going to need you to come in on Sunday, yeah that would be great thanks. And make sure you have those TPS reports to me before five yeah thanks.

Don't feel bad, I used to be a drone too.

ryan said...

paul, first of all, do not refer to our words as atheist garbage. Do you want to trade insults? Very well. I am 59 years old and I have been to more churches than I care to admit. The shit kept getting deeper. Shit, paul, not garbage. Shit. Shit about how we are sinners and god is going to burn us in hell. Shit.

Then I went to the liberal churches. There, god was pissed because we are making too much money at the expense of the poor third world and we are supporting the arms trade through taxes. More shit.

So paul, I pulled the chain and all that shit went down the plumbing. Aint seen it since. Or smelled it, until you arrived.

And paul, you keep coming in here to spread more of your xian shit. Shit.

Let me digress briefly and try to educate you. This will be a losing fight.

Your attempt to argue is pathetic. paul, please be careful when you try to argue by analogy. Any first year philosophy student gets his ass kicked by his prof for even attempting this. Look, dummy, there are not 10000 quacks prescribing 10000 cures for diabetes.
Science regulates itself. Follow me so far? Your analogy is childish. There are not 10000 medicines for diabetes.

When we have a broken leg, there are not 10000 quacks who dispute about how to mend the bone.

When we have a decayed tooth, there are not 10000 quacks who dispute about how to fill the tooth.

But in religion, there are 10000 quacks who dispute about how to find the gods. Your silly attempt to argue was a silly attempt to cover that up; to rely on a false analogy. In other words, paul, you are a liar. And you have the balls to use the expression "Logical Fallacy of Atheism". If your religion had any validity, you would not have to rely on philosophical pretense. If your religion had any validity, it would stand up by itself. Why do you keep coming in here to humiliate yourself?

And now something personal. The notion that god has a "plan" of salvation is so damned foolish that I feel foolish for even mentioning it. Why the fucking hell does your kind think that the supreme being needs a "plan" to "save" us? Your deity devised a plan to save us from himself? Now we are supposed to thank god because first he was angry but now he has a plan to make him not angry? paul, I am going to need a good stiff drink after I finish this. I suggest you try a few, as well.

That bottle of Glenfiddich is looking real good. Just a few more things: do not refer to our words, our principles, or our way of life as "garbage". If you want to trade insults, I am more than up for it. Your choice. You simply do not understand the atheist way, as a masturbating adolescent does not understand sex.

Grow up.

Warnepiece said...

Ryan,

Very well Said!

I could actually hear the crunch of bone as your post hit Paul squarely in the mouth. I don’t think he’ll reply too quickly as he will be busy picking up his teeth and trying to figure out what day he got knocked into.

ryan said...

Really, my friend, I have been hoping that paul would come out from under his rock and answer someone. I understand his reticence......hell, when I was a xian, the last thing I wanted was a debate.

Anonymous said...

You want evidence and proof:

Jesus Christ is the proof.

Prove that Jesus Christ was wrong.

ryan said...

This is wonderful. My second glass of scotch and anonymous just checked in.

What the bleeding hell do you mean with the word "judged". Who is judging us? Judging us for what?

What sins are you talking about? Why should I be afraid to die? Why should I fear the deity that made me in the first place?

Fear, sin, and judgment come from church; from theologians with too much time on their hands; too much Aristotle and not enough sex.

freeman said...

Anonymous/Paul

Prove that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is not the CREATOR!

I for one, think that jesus was a story, nothing more! I have read and have yet to find anything that remotely says that there was a historical jesus!

ryan said...

Look, shit for brains, it is up to you to provide proof. jesus is the proof for what? jesus is the proof for jesus? I'll take a hit of whatever you been smoking--it'll go great with this booze.

ryan said...

C'mon you born again imbeciles, I got 2 hours 'fore I got to go.

Warnepiece said...

Anonymous,

Do you speak for Jesus? Why not let Jesus speak for himself?

No-no-no-no-no-no, don’t reach for your bible and read out of it. Any of us can do that.

Let Jesus prove himself, right here, right now…..

Jesus?
……..

……..

……..

…….

…….

…….
Huh? He must still be busy with the trees in Jacksonville, Florida.

Anonymous said...

Jesus is the proof of God.

Prove that Jesus is wrong.

ryan said...

You cretin!!!!!! It is not up to us to prove that jesus was wrong!!!!!! Idiot!! He's your god, you prove him. I have no god and nothing to prove!!!!

Anonymous said...

Blasphemy is when you use the Lord's name in vain. If you call upon Jesus, who is the Lord, with any contention in your heart, you are committing blasphemy.

Jesus will only respond to a person pure in heart. Sorry, your test fails.

ryan said...

I have a great idea.....why don't you prove he was RIGHT

Anonymous said...

I have no god and nothing to prove!!!!

Then why are you even posting? If you have nothing to prove, why are you on this website debating?

ryan said...

What test are you talking about, shithead? I am not taking any test, nor do I need to. I think you need to be tested.

ryan said...

I am here because it is fun, and for no other reason. I love to listen to you trashy little jesus-lovers come in here to preach. There is no other reason

ryan said...

Why do you hide behind the name anonymous? Ashamed? I was ashamed when I was a xian.

freeman said...

fuck jesus
fuck jesus
fuck jesus






Damn, I'm still here! But, jesus failed to show up!

ryan said...

Well goddamnit, I do not blame him. He has more patience than I would ever have. You fuckers hang around here like jehovah's witnesses.

Anonymous said...

Hey freeman,

Nice try, but your test fails because Jesus said that everyone will be judged on the last day.

Maybe if you would learn what Jesus said, then you could have a good chance and proving Him wrong.

ryan said...

Blake, you senseless excuse for a man, I was a xian for more years than you have been alive, and I became more miserable with every passing minute. You have the balls to use a word like "reason". Listen, titmouse, I finally saw reason, and I got off my knees.

You actually believe that if I spent time with you that I would somehow "come around". No titmouse, the presence of xians reinforces my resolve; their attempts at reason; their total lack of manhood.

And please do not stay around. This is not the place for you.

freeman said...

Blake,
Before you go, could you provide some website, books or whatever you can find which PROVES that the jesus of the bible truely existed!

Otherwise, he is just a fable!

Alan said...

Ryan, I can clear this up in 2 seconds. The Bible proves Jesus is right. OK, so how do we know the Bible is true? Because its the word of God, silly. However, if you happen to be an alcoholic fornicator with a heroin habit once you hit rock-bottom you are allowed one visit from God, Jesus, or an angel of your choice, which will provide even more proof that the Bible is true. You would then be qualified to be a pastor and be eligible to skim money from a faith-based Bush administration program. Does that answer your question?

ryan said...

Blake, try to get this through the 6 inches of fat that surrounds your reptilian brain...........

We are not going to be friends. Your kind did me more harm than I care to describe. You with your charade of love and friendship and brotherhood. Bullshit. You have only superstition to peddle. I am not your victim. Go and fuck with little teenage minds if that pleases you.

ryan said...

god bless you alan, I can see the light!! praise jewzoo!!

Oh...uh, what church do you attend? I think I ought to sign up really quick.I do hope it is one of those megachurches where you get to donate enough money to break the bank at Monte Carlo.

Warnepiece said...

So it was Blake all along,

You want to infect everyone with your ridiculous belief system yet you can’t even defend it.

You claim “Jesus only responds to a person pure in heart” as the reason Jesus did not respond.

The real reason is….HE DOESN’T EXIST.

Prove us wrong!

freeman said...

Blake,
I will call you a flat out liar!


"So many people think that if you can reason with a person, they will listen. I have yet to meet a person who listens to reason. I have reasoned out everything to great depth. But reason is not enough."
LIES


The truth is that people become ex-Christians because of bad experiences, not because they have been logically persuaded.
LIES

ryan said...

That is the little trap that got set for a lot of us. We were invited to come to jewzoo "just as we are" with all our doubts and shortcomings. When it didn't work, then we got the shit about how we were hanging on to sin, we lacked faith; we were not sincere. The worst victims were those who experienced a "saving" of some sort, and then it seemed to die out. Then they were told they had a false conversion. Poor fuckers.....they had it worse than I did.

Anonymous said...

Dear freeman,

I am actually writing a book right now. I don't know if it will ever get published though because I am just an unemployed nobody.

If you want to talk, I would love to talk. But I am not going to sit around here and debate with a bunch of people who believe without a doubt Jesus is not God.

I lived a life of misery for 26 years. I even attempted suicide. But then Jesus came down from Heaven and helped me. My life has never been the same. I cannot tell you how awesome it is to be friends with Jesus. If it were not for Him, I would be dead.

There is nothing special or unique about me. I am a loser. But, Jesus is with me. And He is reaching out to everyone. That I can say with confidence. He helping me write this book about things I could never explain.

Look, I am not against anyone. This means you are all my friends. Though, you might not see me as a friend.

I truly hope the best for you all, including you freeman.

Later,
Blake

ryan said...

Well, he got the loser part right

Warnepiece said...

Buh-bye Blake.

If Jesus is still there with you, try not to step on his feet. They are probably still sore from those cruci-“fiction” nails, you know.

Anonymous said...

"Pure of Heart" test-- isn't that like saying, "Hey--only 12 month old babies are allowed to accept Christ?" Because I've NEVER met a Christian who was pure of heart! The Christians I know, have known, and lived with, served with, and worshiped with, were VILE, CRUEL, GREEDY, BIGOTED, MEAN, VICIOUS, and created anamosity--because that's what JESUS would do!

Christianity is a BULLSHIT "EXCUSE" to "HIDE BEHIND & COVER YOUR ACTIONS!" How many death row immates are NOT Christian? Huh? Almost every child rapist, and evil villian on the planet does not identify as atheist, when asked they identify as Christian!

After a friend was hit with a head-on collision caused by a woman with a Christian Fish symbol on the back of her car, my friend & several of us, went on a mission to see how many traffic violations and crap these Christian Fish cars do. I've been chased in my convertible by a JESUS SAVES truck driving redneck so he could shout out "FAG!" (Just what the lord ordered) and my friends & I have seen numerous violations from speed, drunken driving, among others, but isn't that how Jesus would drive?

You Christian Wack Jobs can take your bible, your Jesus, and shove him back into fantasy land. Sure I have a "Worldly" view, as you Christians say, but isn't that due to living in the WORLD, not some fantasy book. Funny--Christians tortured me with how I would BURN IN A LAKE OF FIRE at age 15 for watching "He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe" and also "Thundercats" or any imaginative cartoon which displayed magic; however, could they not see the stupidity of their judgement, for certainly if one believes that the HORSEMEN OF THE ACOPLYPSE who ride horse that fly through the sky, or wine turned into blood, or any of this Christian BULLSHIT isn't seen as Magic?

The one CONSTANT I have learned about RELIGION in general, is that ALL RELIGIONS turn to HATRED of homosexuals because they can justify that bigotry through mass public opinion, and they can DISH A MEAN RANT, but they sure as f&^k can't take it!

Dano said...

Blake
Your instinct to have "faith" in Jesus, is the exact same instinct that I have, that "faith" in mysticism has come to it's logical end, defeated by knowledge of our natural world, and reason., that is now availabe to everyone via the internet, and mass communication.

I have absolute "faith" that your "faith" in the supernatural is unwarranted, and even dangerous, because there is no way to prove it, in fact I suspect that most people like you really don't believe all the irrational shit in the bible, they just wear it for effect. The more educated a person is, the less likely he will be drawn into a mystical cult.

Examples of "faith in faith" (And that is all it is), being dangerous and harmful are all around us. I will name a few: 9/11. The crusades, the inquisition, the dark ages, whole societies of people decimated by Christians, because they were heathens, witch burning, suicide bombers, women drowning their babies, Jonestown, Waco, Hale Bopp hitchhikers, literally thousands of cases where people have given their money to religious figures only to be made fools of by the most immoral behavior of those "Bastions of virtue," the list could go on forever.

Mostly I have "faith" that you may never mature into fully adult person, because of your "faith" in the supernatural. You reek of so much intellectual immaturity that it has the propensity of infuriating those of us who wouldn't or couldn't, be like you again for all of the money on earth. You probably won't grow up, because the people who write bibles always put so much fear rhetoric into them, to keep you from escaping, and are proven instruments for capturing and keeping your mind. Most of you biblethumpers who come onto this site with great expectations of wittnessing to us about your relationship with jesus, demonstrate over and over, that you never quite "Get it" You can't prove the bible by quoting from it.

Dan (We will be rooting for you to let just a little light in. That is all it takes.)

catalyst said...

Excellent vid! :-)

Paul, just a few things to say to you.

1)Nice cut and paste with your "fallacy" BS. For starters, insulin is not a CURE for diabetes,it is merely a management tool, so your arguement is moot.

2)I am truly sick of these "Jesus said" crap.. if you can find anywhere in your elbib, any scripture or "gospel according to JESUS" (not matthew, john, mark..etc) but JESUS.. then and only then would I EVER even entertain it to be "his" word.

heresay means shit... so therefore you pretty much believe shit...


PS. I have been announced DEAD (Dead at the scene of an accident...taken to hospital and rescusitated (sic)and so, through a knowledge of "been there, done that" I can without a doubt say that there is NO afterlife....no book written heaven/hell.... just NOTHING... I didn't even know I HAD been dead until I was told a few days later.

http://teamacforum.bestbulletinboard.com

twincats said...

Blake said: "But I am not going to sit around here and debate with a bunch of people who believe without a doubt Jesus is not God."

Okay, then. Go away. This is the wrong forum for you and you're getting to be a bore.

Bently said...

When people say, "I would be dead now, if it were not for Jesus, I would have committed suicide."

What happened is, that they got distracted from their present moment of despair, either by a preacher or a christian colleague.

If they really intended to kill themselves they would have never let anyone persuade them not to kill themselves, but they got distracted by a lie, by saying Jesus loves you, we've seen so many nut cases meld to the ground when someone says Jesus loves you, because we've all seen so many idiots mimicking other idiots in churches and on TV.

When a person has finally been convinced they have miraculously
been saved, they decide that they've got go spread their new found knowledge and wisdom, because who else could have pulled them out of the gutter if it had not been a miracle from Jesus?

Preachers and Christian witnesses have to constantly persuade others of their ignorant beliefs to re-inforce their own religious insanity.

So now we have millions of indoctrinated brainwashed religious drones, waltzing around trying to convince others that they have found the one true path to heaven.

The thing of it is that, if no-one had ever heard of the Bible or Jesus, then no-one would be trying to convince anyone that their Bible nonsense is true.

Neither a God nor Jesus never wrote one single word of the Bible.

Why not? Because the Bible God nor Jesus could write, nor spell, nor do either exist.

The Bible is the total fabrication of men, PERIOD!

Trans-man said...

Jesus only responds to those with a pure heart....hmmmmm, so I guess when Jesus DOESN'T respond, then because you didn't REALLY have a pure heart. And everything else is that way too with religion. If you believe something should happen because you pray and it doesn't, then it wasn't god's will.
If something good happens, it was god, if something bad happens, it was either not god's will or it was the devil's work.
Get a life. Things happen by coincidence, and there's a logical rate you can apply to anything that happens. If you flip a coin, about 50% of the time it will land on one side, and the other 50% on the other side.
I don't even understand why christians come here and argue and quote bible verses. Obviously, we've been there, done that, and no longer want it. The bible doesn't prove anything, and there's no proof for god and jesus (other than the bible, and it doesn't prove anything). The bible verses you quote don't mean anything to us.

Sean

Anonymous said...

Jesus only responds to people who believe in him - so you need to make yourself believe something without evidence... THEN God will give you the evidence. (but not evidence you can see, hear, smell, touch, taste, measure, or detect scienfically)

Yeah, that makes sense. God will torture us forever unless we believe in him, but he won't give us any reason to believe in him until we already do!

Anonymous said...

AWESOME VIDEO!

No-to-cult said...

Anonymous:

Jesus only responds to people who believe in him - so you need to make yourself believe something without evidence... THEN God will give you the evidence. (but not evidence you can see, hear, smell, touch, taste, measure, or detect scienfically)

Yeah, that makes sense. God will torture us forever unless we believe in him, but he won't give us any reason to believe in him until we already do!

No-to-cult:

MOHAMMED only responds to people who believe in him - so you need to make yourself believe something without evidence... THEN ALLAH will give you the evidence. (but not evidence you can see, hear, smell, touch, taste, measure, or detect scienfically)

Yeah, that makes sense. ALLAH will torture us forever unless we believe in him, but ALLAH won't give us any reason to believe in him until we already do!

Religion is really blind faith! BELIEVE SOMETHING WITHOUT EVIDENCE.
Religion is really cruel cult! TORTURE US FOREVER UNLESS WE BELIEVE

Anonymous said...

Amen brother!

Anonymous said...

Funny you should mention suicide as a saving grace and finding Jesus. I'm 39 and at 37 attempted suicide because of all the guilt that your Jesus piled on me with His crazy teachings that destroy any sense of self-worth.
I am now a firm ex-xian and atheist because cognitive therapy, an applied science, challenged my world views and taught me to trust in what is actually reality instead of a fucked up myth.

Epicurienne said...

Anonymous wrote:

[quoting someone else]I have no god and nothing to prove!!!!

[his own words]Then why are you even posting? If you have nothing to prove, why are you on this website debating?


Uh...why are YOU here posting? This website is labeled EXChristian.net....that's EX, as in "no longer."

Jesus only responds to people who believe in him - so you need to make yourself believe something without evidence... THEN God will give you the evidence.

Why does this remind me of the part in "Peter Pan" where Peter asks all the children to clap their hands to save Tinkerbell?

webmdave said...

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webmdave said...

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