5/02/2007                                                                                       View Comments

You might be a True Christian™ if:

  1. You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

  2. You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

  3. You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

  4. Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, animals and trees!

  5. You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

  6. You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of the Earth (a few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is just a few generations old.

  7. You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs (excluding of course those in all rival sects) will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

  8. While modern science, history, geology, biology, physics and textual scholarship fail to convince you that the Bible may be less than reliable, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" is all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

  9. You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that small percentage to be evidence enough that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE rate was simply God saying "No."

  10. You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history, but still call yourself a Christian.


Add your own "You might be a true Christian if" comments to this list.

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26 comments:

scott said...

This is one of the very best arguments that i've seen posted.Short,accurate and unarguable.I'll send out a few of these out,to those who still have brains and are actually rethinking of their roles in being part of a religious fraternity.

David90212 said...

Would someone please create a poster in jpg of this for me and email it to david@ticklefilms.com -- I want to put this up in our office and at my house.

Anonymous said...

Nice job! Short, simple and concise. Can anyone else duplicate such awesome thinking?

Spirula said...

Excellent. Dave, I really like this and agree with david90212.

NateDog said...

You might be a True Christian if you have a bumper sticker that says "God Bless America" while people in Ruanda are starving to death and many Americans are overweight.
I hate those bumper stickers! it shows how arrogant and self-centered most Christian are!

THE ACE said...

Well, I'll give it a try. You might
be a true Christian if you pray God
will act through our country's leaders to ban music and movies
you don't approve of, censor any
"sinful" books in the local library, prevent any TV programming
that questions Christianity, and let Fundamentalists be the only
candidates that can run for office...then close your prayer thanking God we live in a free country!

Micah Cowan said...

. You are certain that Harry Potter is a wicked and rebellious boy, intent on subverting impressionable children to his Satanic cause; but the sorcerer in C.S. Lewis's “Voyage of the Dawn Treader” is fine—after all, he's Aslan's buddy!

. SpongeBob and Patrick are gay. You know this for a fact, because your best friend told you that their friend mentioned that their brother heard that Dr Dobson says so [FWIW, he didn't, actually].

. You believe in the deity who made men out of mud, but refuse the one who is made out of spaghetti.

. You redefine any philosophical contradictions in the Bible as “dual natures.”

. You believe that killing a man who can get back up again in three days is an equitable trade for killing billions who can't; equivalent, interchangeable, and substitutable, as a punishment.

. You believe that there was once a variety of fish that had sufficient size and energy to swallow a man alive, but had such a slow digestive process that it didn't progress significantly at all over three days, and yet was capable of sustaining that fish's great size and energy.

Anonymous said...

This True Christian (http://attemptedphilosophyblog.blogspot.com/2007/05/you-might-be-true-christian-if.html) Thinks the list is hilarious.

Lorena said...

" This is one of the very best arguments that i've seen posted.Short,accurate and unarguable."

Yes, Webmaster. Great piece. How come you didn't sign it?

freethinker05 said...

You might be a true christian,if you work with non-believers all day bragging to them just how awsome your god is.....blah,blah,blah, wearing their FUCKING ear out,when they've already told you that they believe in one less god than yours.

.:webmaster:. said...

Lorena asked: "Why didn't you sign it?"

I didn't write it.

Lorena said...

Wow, is that anonymous?

.:webmaster:. said...

I suppose the proper attribution would be "unknown."

sailerfraud said...

The Christian apologetics have a response to this top ten list. I find their reasoning to be weak, obscure, and flawed, but I'll let you read for yourself.

http://www.tektonics.org/qt/tenton.html

cheayee said...

actually....i ignore what they believe but yet I still know it exists. is that the same as deny? I need to check the dictionary.

They can deny the existence of mine. SO what? I am not going to argue with them over this because atheists or not atheists, everyone is my friend, as most kindergarten teachers will tell all children that. (yes i am a kindergarten teacher).

well, as for the people evolved from other life forms... thanks, but i really dont fancy myself being an ex-ape. I hope you do.
I do however,believe scientifically that humans become dust after they die..because scientifically they do become dust after they die? unless you mummified them.

what is a polytheist?

as for the slaughtering, I don't agree with any manslaughter, and I think that neither does God. But a commandment is a commandment.God is God. He can create life out of shit. and he can make these same people back into shit.What difference if he killed them,eh? One is shit. the other is blood.

Hei man....anything is possible with God.I just won't worship a Hindu god in the form of one with a long blue trunk.Then again, I won't worship anything which is made of wood, earth or tangible stuff and will break during an earthquake.

I have no idea how old the Earth is. And frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. ;-)
(Its too much a waste of my time).

Well, I have heard stories of God surprisingly sending people to lost tribes in the midst of jungles to speak to trees....

as for whether God will send them to hell or heaven, that is up to God. I only do what is best to my ability.

As for my prayers, you know what? God has actually answered ALL my prayers. without me having to do anything about it but just pray. That's definitely more than 1 percent....woo hooo.... I passed I passed!!!

Oh yeah.. I definitely know a lot less about the bible than most atheists. SO?

huesnlight said...

I WANT A POSTER!!!

huesnlight said...

@ sailerfraud

i agree. very, very weak responses. i just wish you hadn't post such garbage. =) lol thanks anyhow.

.:webmaster:. said...

Cheayee!

That thumbdrive miracle story of yours is awesome.

Click here to read about Cheayee's miracle thumb drive from Jesus.

Lorena said...

Cheayee said:
"what is a polytheist?"

Lorena responds:
Hmm...I knew you were illiterate from your first paragraph. This just confirms it.

Cheayee said:
Oh yeah.. I definitely know a lot less about the bible than most atheists. SO?

Lorena responds:
Case in point!

sailerfraud said...

http://www.tektonics.org/qt/tenton.html

Keep in mind this Christian rebuttal is from a full time, professional Christian apologetics organization. If this shoddy rebuttal is the best they can do, it's only more proof there is no God and Christianity is a hoax.

Nvrgoingbk said...

Cheayee,

You are a Kindergarten teacher? Now, I'm scared. One semester of English Comp. taught me correctly how to punctuate and articulate myself. Where did it get you? You must teach in Florida. Please tell me which school, so that I can avoid it when my unborn daughter turns five.

For your information, they have not found the link between man and ape, and Evolution does not suppose that we evolved from said primates. It has suggested it, but that does not make Evolution less valid. Gravity was argued against once too, but we now know that it is a universal law.

The Bible claims the sun revolves around the Earth and that insects have four legs, and yet you would still rather follow "the way of the Master?"

You said, "as for the slaughtering, I don't agree with any manslaughter, and I think that neither does God. But a commandment is a commandment.God is God. He can create life out of shit. and he can make these same people back into shit.What difference if he killed them,eh? One is shit. the other is blood."

This is exactly the problem with you "live and let live" wishy-washy "spiritual" folk. Isn't it ironic that you seem to value life even less than the evil athiest?

"What is a polytheist?"

Are you fucking serious? The root word, "theist" would indicate a belief in God. "Poly" refers to many, you moron.

You are a Kindergarten teacher and need to check your dictionary to find the difference between ignore and deny?

You said, "Hei man....anything is possible with God.I just won't worship a Hindu god in the form of one with a long blue trunk.Then again, I won't worship anything which is made of wood, earth or tangible stuff and will break during an earthquake."

But you have no problem with a God who talks to people through the form of bushes and asses, has sex with virgins, kills his own son to atone for the sins of his own creation, and plans to send most of us to Hell, simply for attaching ourselves to the wrong belief system? No thanks, I'll take the blue elephant.

You said, "as for whether God will send them to hell or heaven, that is up to God. I only do what is best to my ability."

Sorry, Sweetie, you'll have to do even better than that. Christians say that you can NOT earn your way into Heaven, since belief in the dead man-god, Jesus is the only way. You better get on the train or you're gonna miss the pearly gates.


You said, "As for my prayers, you know what? God has actually answered ALL my prayers. without me having to do anything about it but just pray. That's definitely more than 1 percent....woo hooo.... I passed I passed!!!"

How precious! God has answered all of your prayers? He must have been too busy answering your prayers to send rain to the Sudan, prevent a Romanian orphan from dying hungry and cold in the streets, and growing back the limb of an amputee. It's hard being God, isn't it?

You said, "Oh yeah.. I definitely know a lot less about the bible than most atheists. SO?"

Try reading it before coming on an EX-CHRISTIAN website you boob!

Nvrgoingbk said...

By the way Unknown, thank you for posting this. I will cherish my copy of it forever!

Micah Cowan said...

nvrgoingbk said, For your information, they have not found the link between man and ape, and Evolution does not suppose that we evolved from said primates. It has suggested it, but that does not make Evolution less valid. Gravity was argued against once too, but we now know that it is a universal law.

You are right that evolution has nothing to say about it, but this is only because evolution is just a natural mechanism, and has little in particular to say on anything. Paleoanthropology, however, has a great deal to say about it, and the fossil evidence overwhelmingly suggests that the modern human is descended from ancient apes.

Please see the following site for a wealth of information:
http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/homs/

Tim said...

You might be a True Christian(R) (it's actually a registered trademark now! hehehehe) IF...

you denounce violence in make-believe movies claiming it will cause children to be violent but have no problem teaching your own child that Jesus was brutally tortured to death so that they could make it to heaven.


Can we say Hip-O-Crit?

Tim

Robert said...

You might be a True Christian™ if you forgive the Church for being imperfect and, at times, foolish and get on with the business of loving God and neighbor.

unforgiven said...

You are foolish if you dont realize the church is a business,and your god is imperfect. from your loving neighbor...