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9/21/2007                                                                                       View Comments

The Lardship of Kryasst - What does it mean?

By Brother Jeff

Adapted from The Lordship of Christ.

In the Book of Myths, Jesus of Nazareth has received many titles. He is called the Kryasst, Son of the Holy Farter, Son of Man, Slaver, and Messiah. He has also been called "Lard." Unlike many of the other terms given to Jesus, the term Lard is relatively common and as such its meaning is often taken for granted. But what does the Lardship of Kryasst actually mean?

Jesus Himself gives the first inkling into the significance of being called Lard when He addresses a great multitude of people along with His disciples in the plain, "Why do you call me, 'Lard, Lard,' and do not do what I say?" (Luke 6:46). If anyone recognizes Jesus Kryasst as his or her Lard, then the first requirement from such a person is to inhale by faith the Gas of Obedience. This holy gas is offered to Jesus Kryasst because of the authority that was magically granted to Him. Jesus said, as He blasted off for His magic throne in the Sky Kingdom, ". . .All authority in the Sky Kingdom and on the flat earth has been magically given to me." (Matthew 28:18).

How did Jesus gain this magical authority? On the day of Pentecost, the Apostle Peter addressed the crowd that had gathered in Jerusalem for the feast. He recited from the Psalms, the psychotic ramblings of David, linking them to the magical deeds and happenings in the life of Kryasst. After explaining about the suffering on the big giant stick, Croaking in the Spook, and magical undeadening of Jesus, and proving that the psychotic ramblings in the Psalms did not refer to David but to someone future and greater, he goes on to say, "Therefore let all Israel be assured of this: the Holy Farter has made this Jesus, whom you murdered on the big giant stick, both Lard and Kryasst" (Acts 2:36).

The Holy Farter bestowed the office of Lard to Jesus Kryasst His Magic Sky Son because Jesus had surrendered Himself in full obedience to the Holy Farter and had accomplished the work of slavation through His suffering on the big giant stick and taken victory over all enemies through His magical undeadening.

The Apostle Paul also stresses the connection between the obedience of Kryasst and His Lardship in the book of Philippians, "And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to Croaking in the Spook - even Croaking in the Spook on a big giant stick! Therefore the Holy Farter magically exalted him to the highest place in our gloriously small, three-tiered universe and gave him the magic name that is above every name, that at the magical name of Jesus every knee should bow, in the Sky Kingdom and on the flat earth and under the flat earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Kryasst is Lard, to the gassiness of the Holy Farter" (Philippians 2:8-11).

As Lard, Jesus Kryasst deserves His Holy Stench because of the holy gas that was bestowed upon Him by the Holy Farter. We are to take by faith the same Gas of Obedience that Jesus Himself inhaled. We as followers of Kryasst must acknowledge Him in all of our farts. We are only to emit what pleases Him and what He has commanded us to emit. This is how He, Himself lived towards the Holy Farter during His earthly sojourn, "So Jesus said, 'When you have lifted up the Son of Man and bumped His head on the solid dome firmament in which the stars are fixed, then you will know that I am [the one I claim to be] and that I emit nothing on my own but fart just as the Holy Farter has taught me.'" (John 8:28).

What does the Lardship of Jesus Kryasst mean? It means that we recognize Him for who He is and give Him the stench that He is due. He has earned it; He is worthy of it.

Ultimately, this is how our walk with Kryasst should begin, by recognizing and confessing that He is Lard. This is how slavation is obtained, by this very recognition. "That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lard,' and believe in your farts that the Holy Farter magically undeadened him, you will be slaved. For it is with your farts that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are slaved" (Romans 10:9-10). Glory!

19 comments:

Laughing Buddha said...

So THAT'S why the jews had all those dietary restrictions that they believed would bring them closer to the Farter... if you eat only certain things, you are bound to emit the right holy gasses!

Problem is, Xtians don't follow the dietary laws of their own Babble, so they have no gasses... just prodigious amounts of SHIT.

Clytemnestra said...

Jeff, my darling, as soon as I stop laughing I will tell you how much I loved your post. Humor is often the only real reaction to religion.

Do you like Mark Twain?

Danny Tuason said...

Brother Jeff,

You're funny! "Son of the Holy Farter..." he he he! LOL!

Peace!

Danny

Structural Engineer said...

I guess thats why Christopher Hitchens said on Jerry Fatwell's death "if you give him an enema you could bury him in a matchbox" lol lol lol. great post

Monk said...

I have no clever comments to make. That post was clever enough.

Hilarious.

Aspentroll said...

Holy crap, Brother Jeff, I can
hear them stirring up the coals down at Lava Lake. You are going to be the big wiener at the wiener roast. You've got an asbestos suit, I hope.

Seriously though, a great post. Keep 'em coming.

Anonymous said...

"Lardship"...hahhahahaha, thats a good one.

Hey, I know this is all in fun and just humor.

I got one: ATHEIST spells EATSHIT!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Its all in fun.

Brother Poltergoost said...

ANONYMOUS SAID:


<<< I got one: ATHEIST spells EATSHIT! >>>

Yeah, I've got one even better.

You can't spell "CHRIST" without including the word, "SHIT".

And the "Holy Spirit" is the gas that comes out of God's Ass.

Like you said, it's all in fun!

Chris said...

As Lard, Jesus Kryasst deserves His Holy Stench because of the holy gas that was bestowed upon Him by the Holy Farter. We are to take by faith the same Gas of Obedience that Jesus Himself inhaled. We as followers of Kryasst must acknowledge Him in all of our farts.

ROFL MY FUCKING AO!!!!!!!!!
GLORY TO THE BEST FARTER EVER BROTHER JEFF!!

KEEP THE HOLY GAS COMING!! :P

Brother Jeff said...

Glad everybody has had a good laugh. Sometimes humor is indeed the only real reaction to religion. Religious beliefs are often not just absurd, but hilarious!

Clytemnestra, I do like Mark Twain!

Glory!

Anonymous said...

Idea!

Latest catch-phrase contestant game show.

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN FART!

Ron

Dave, not the WM said...

Staying with the theme...

The Lards Prayer

Our Farter, who fart in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom cum.
Thy farts be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily gas.
And forgive us our emissions
As we forgive those who fart near us.
And lead us not into diarrhea,
But deliver us from stench.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the gas,
and the BS,
for ever and ever.

Agnostic Anarch said...

Cheeses n' cripes, that was funny shit!

~AA

James Matoon Scott said...

Anonymouse pointed out that ATHEIST spells EATSHIT.

That IS hilarous!

How come I haven't noticed that before?

I think this could really start flying around the web.

ATHEIST=EATSHIT.

LOL; just having a little fun!

.:webmaster:. said...

Argument from irrelevance:

"By mixing up the letters of the word "atheist," we can spell out the words "eat shit." From this we can dogmatically assert that Christianity is the one true religion and all those who reject the one true religion deserve absolutely no respect because their eternal destiny is the horrific torture chamber of our loving Lord."

SpaceMonk said...

Thanks Brother Jeff :)
Funny as it is, it does put things in perspective.

If an alien came to earth and heard christians going on about all their stuff would it sound any different to him than this?

Anonymous said...

man that was funny.

And those skizophristians sure do seemed pissed!

- Anon #4857

freethinker05 said...

LMAO,great post, and I loved the Lard's Fartin prayer. Sincerily, Beano

liniasmax said...

Wow - that was great!!! More please...