9/25/2007                                                                                       View Comments

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

Posted by J.C. Samuelson

An oldie but a goody reposted from http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html:

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

18 comments:

Joseph said...

Nice, Jim. Thanks! I'll be on thr edge of my seat all morning, awaiting her reply.

sirona said...

That was great. Of course christians have a built in excuse for not following these "old rules". Then again, whenever they want to be judgmental and punitive they always pull out quotes from the jewish bible. (AKA the Old Testament)

Bob said...

The nude pics of Dr. Laura that circulated the web a few years ago should be attached.

Spirula said...

Very nice.

Dr. Laura, herself, is an abomination and a major hypocrite (i.e. the guy she had an affair with, who then left his family and moved in with her, which makes her an adulturess and worthy of death (according to Levitical law)).

BTW, technically she is not a Jew. Although her father was Jewish, it is maternal ancestry that determines Jewish status.

Anonymous said...

Did Dr. Laura ever write or call back? I would love to see her face after reading this and some sort of reaction. But this is typical of Christians taking the parts out of the Bible that serve their agenda. They seem to ignore the rest. When confronted, they claim we're taking things out of context. I just think they "believe" because they fear death and they fear taking responsibility for their actions.

Anonymous said...

anonymous, you stupid moron, Dr. Laura was not a Christian, she was an orthodx jew.

Rob. said...

Satan tests us all, especially the hyper-pious types like Dr. Laura.

The point is, many of the laws on the Jewish scripture are not even relevant to Jews, since they have not had a Temple or Priesthood in almost 2,000 years.

Judaism today, even amongst Orthodox Jews, is not their forebearers' religion.

Aspentroll said...

Bob said...

The nude pics of Dr. Laura that circulated the web a few years ago should be attached.

September 26, 2007

I know your tongues are all hanging out about a foot, so here they are:

http://www.pencilnecks.com/Laura.htm

and here is a more comedic approach:

http://www.bartcop.com/mengidx.htm

Enjoy, I know I did, but, not the pics as much as slapping out some self righteous bitch like her.

Jamie said...

Nothing wrong with Dr. Laura claiming to be Jewish...you can convert to the faith, you know.

Also nothing wrong with her posing nude. She was obviously a lot younger. Heck, I became an agnostic in the last year, I hope I don't have to be judged now on everything I said and did in my early twenties. People change...

Although, the last few times I've had a chance to listen to Dr. Laura she was almost unlistenable...the caller invariably would get less than two sentences out of his/her mouth before Dr. Laura would start berating them, working herself into histrionics, and then ending the call. Call after call after call. It's been a few years since I listened to her, though...maybe she's coming around again.

And I'M a Canadian...I don't want to be owned!

Anonymous said...

OMG!! I just looked at those pictures and she is spread Eagle! Holy Moses! Nice Beaver shot Dr. Laura I take it that was before you came to GOD! I can't take anymore of these religous hypocrites! LOL.. LOL... LMAO!

Wow!!! Thats enough Beaver for one Night!

eel_shepherd said...

Interesting factoid: The national animal symbol for Canada is the beaver.

Mike said...

Oh, you'll LOVE this. Here is someone's attempt to answer the questions sent to Dr.Laura. I don't know what's funnier, the actual answers or the serious tone the writer takes in response to questions intended to be tongue-in-cheek.

http://www.christianvoice.org.uk/laura.html

Dr. Feelgood said...

<<< I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. >>>

I suggest asking the "Holy Spirit" for guidance.

If you have enough faith, "The Holy Spirit" will reveal if she is on her period or not.

Anonymous said...

Holy crap. That Christianvoice site freaks me out. Such utter certainty in such utter bullshit.
Such calm, unemotional hatred.
Such slippery delusion (see the spin they put on the Bible? They´re not slaves... they´re bondsmen!)
Brrrr.

Bill said...

Dr. Laura is the biggest cunt that ever lived. Boy oh Boy I love the connections we have on this message board to get the link to that site. I remember seeing those in Larry Flints publication many years ago. Wow would you check out that big 1970's bush was she was sproting. Thank God we are living in the trimmed beaver age. Damn I bet that thing stunk.

Poltergoost said...

I hate Dr. Laura Slutssinger.

Anonymous said...

Just note that Dr Laura is probably an ex-jew now. She maybe regrets with her past comments on homosexuality

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laura_Schlessinger
From Wikipedia

In July 2003, Schlessinger announced on her show that she was no longer an Orthodox Jew. In a series of monologues over the next month, she explained that she did not feel a connection with God and felt frustrated by the effort she had put into following the religion. Her religious approach on the show lessened substantially after this announcement.

http://atheism.about.com/b/a/023771.htm
From Austin Cline

As reported here earlier, Dr. Laura Schlessinger has been moving away from her Jewish faith. She isn't an atheist, but she doesn't follow Jewish rituals anymore. Does this carry any significance for her past work?

Anonymous said...

Just note that Dr Laura is probably an ex-jew now. She maybe regrets for her past work.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laura_Schlessinger
From Wikipedia

In July 2003, Schlessinger announced on her show that she was no longer an Orthodox Jew. In a series of monologues over the next month, she explained that she did not feel a connection with God and felt frustrated by the effort she had put into following the religion. Her religious approach on the show lessened substantially after this announcement.

http://atheism.about.com/b/a/023771.htm
From Austin Cline

As reported here earlier, Dr. Laura Schlessinger has been moving away from her Jewish faith. She isn't an atheist, but she doesn't follow Jewish rituals anymore. Does this carry any significance for her past work?