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10/21/2007                                                                                       View Comments

The Sacred Book of Kush

Keep a copy with you. When confronted by a religious fanatic quoting the Bible, pull out The Sacred Book of Kush and ask what the difference is. You will notice that The Sacred Book of Kush has everything that the Bible has, including circular reasoning, extravagant and unfounded claims, threats and promises (both equally unlikely ever to be fulfilled), arrogance, jealousy, stupidity, and sales pitches for the priesthood. It also has two things the Bible doesn't: a sense of humor and a merciful brevity.

Chapter 1

1) This sacred book was revealed by Kush to his prophet, Rocko S. Fitch, who wrote it down word for word and added the punctuation later. 2) This book is absolutely 100% completely true, and if you fail to believe any part of it, you will be cursed forever by an itchy spot in the middle of your back right where you can't scratch.

Chapter 2


1) Kush is the supreme being — all-knowing, all-powerful, all-present, immortal, and a pretty decent guy once you get to know him.

Chapter 3

1) Kush created the entire universe and all the laws that make it work (such as 1 + 1 2). 2) This doesn't include the laws of economics; even Kush doesn't understand how they work.

Chapter 4

1) Kush points out that all the stuff you hear about this so-called supreme being, God (alias Yahweh, Elohim, Allah, Ahura Mazda, etc.), is simply a fraud perpetrated by people who ought to know better. 2) Don't believe a word of it. 3) Kush is the one and only original supreme being.

Chapter 5

1) Some of you will itch in perpetual torment. 2) Kush knows who. 3) For only $10 American, paid to his prophet, Rocko S. Fitch, Kush will tell you if you're included.

Chapter 6

1) Kush answers all prayers. 2) The most common answers are "yes", "no", "maybe", "it depends," and "not for you, Saddam".

Chapter 7

1) Kush has set an invisible pink unicorn (IPU) in the middle of your dining-room table to watch over you. 2Skeptics will arise who will doubt the existence of the IPU; they will itch.

Chapter 8

1) Kush can peer deep into the future to discern miraculous events far beyond the ken of mortal man. 2) For example, the Mets will win the 1969 World Series. 3) You probably don't even understand these words, but trust Kush; it's gonna happen.

Chapter 9

1) If you lead a reasonably good life, Kush will take care of you. 2) That's if you don't do one of the three things that are guaranteed to make Kush awfully mad at you. 3) Remember not to do any of these three things, ever! 4) Boy, will you be sorry if you do!

Chapter 10

1) Many people have written in asking "How exactly will I know Kush when I meet him?" 2) That's easy. 3) You can't see him, hear him, smell, taste, or feel him. 4) When you meet someone who matches that description, that's Kush. 5) He's one of a kind. 6) Accept no substitutes.

This version of The Sacred Book of Kush was published in September, 2007, and is distributed by Atheists and Agnostics of Wisconsin. Click here to download a printer-friendly .pdf version of The Sacred Book of Kush.

15 comments:

MothandRust said...

Ha, that's an instant classic.

R. Black said...

HA! I already have a copy, that means I am better than everyone. Except Kush of course.

Proof of God's existence said...

Jesus loves us. You know how I know?

Because the bible tells me so.

Astreja said...

Hi, Kush! Pleased to meetcha. Come on by to My Jól party. (And bring Rocko so he can tell us where You are in the room, please.)

As for you, PoGE, may the IPU (mHhhnbs!) turn away and giggle when you ask Her to scratch that itchy spot in the middle of your back.

John of Indiana said...

I said lawd take me downtown, I'm just lookin' for some Kush...

Ellytoad said...

Hobbits exist. Do you know how I know?
Because 'The Lord of the Rings' says so!

Jason/Marc/Computer/Anonymous said...

But, but, but "The Lord Of The Rings" is a movie that was made by the evil city known as "Hollywood", and "The Lord Of The Rings" is not the bible.

The bible was written 2,000 years ago by people who had good morals and those who heard from God on a personal level. I know he doesn't speak anyone today, however he said to have faith, and that is good enough to me.

So don't try to get me to listen to your logic, because faith outweighs logic, and it outweighs fact, and evidence.

Anonymous said...

The Head Priest of Kush from the Reformed Branch says to Jason/Marc/Computer/Anonymous:

FOOL! DID YOU NOT READ IN THE SACRED BOOK THAT YOUR GOD IS A FRAUD! YOU WILL PERISH, PEOPLE OF THE OTHER BOOK! COME JUDGMENT DAY, YOU WILL BE SORRY YOU TOOK THE HIGHWAY INSTEAD OF MY WAY! REPENT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

---

The Head Priest of Kosh from the
Orthodox Sect says to the Head Priest of the Reformed Sect:

HA! YOU SHOULD TALK, PRIEST FROM THE REFORMED BRANCH! YOUR FORM OF KUSH WORSHIP IS A HERESY! HOW DARE YOU NOT BOW TO THE MAGISTRATE OF MUNICH AND MOCK THE VENERATION OF THE INVISIBLE PINK UNICORN BY CALLING IT IDOL WORSHIP! COME JUDGMENT DAY, YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU EVER SPLIT FROM THE ONE, TRUE CHURCH OF KUSH!

Ryan said...

This is too good to be true. jason,marc,computer,anonymous.......did I get them all? Let the xian talk long enough and he will damn himself out of his own mouth. So faith outweighs logic, fact and evidence? And does it also outweigh reason, intellect and education?

So you are saying that you have closed your eyes and ears, as well as your mind? Are you saying that a good xian is one who has stopped thinking or questioning? Okay, fine with me.

And about the bible being such a great book: no it aint. That book has turned you into a silly child who comes in here and consistently makes a pathetic fool of himself.

ellytoad said...

Well, I was really referring to the book, not the movie, which means that Tolkien is the divine author/maker here, not Hollywood. But... oh well.

Jason/Marc/Computer/Anonymous... I having a bit of a hard time deciding whether your comment was humorously sarcastic, or serious. There's elements of both.

.:webmaster:. said...

I'm confident that the person who posted as "Jason/Marc/Computer/Anonymous" was just spoofing.

The real "Jason/Marc/Computer/et al" has a completely different writing style and takes his religion very seriously.

Christian Mocker said...

You are right Webmaster, I was actually making fun of Marc, Jason, Computer, and Anonymous Christian Posters who post on here, along with their faulty belief system.

It was more less a joke.

I sometimes wonder if Marc, Jason, Computer, and the Anonymous Fundies are all the same person. That is why I posted it under all 4 of those names.

Sorry WM. I could not resist doing that.

ellytoad said...

That's great to know. You were quite convincing!

crystal said...

what is it about the bible that makes you guys so bent on destroying it, if it wasn't so sad, i would actually find this page amusing. Do you know how long the struggle to discredit Christianity has been on? Guys bigger and badder than you have tried and we still here...i'll pray for y'all and the followers of the sacred book of kush.

.:webmaster:. said...

Crystal,

Do you have any idea how long people have been trying to discredit the Koran or the Book of Mormon or the Bhagavat Gita or the Tao De Jing or the Iliad, yet all these religious tomes continue to exist.

Crystal, do you know realize how asinine your comment sounded?

Just thought you should know.