WASHINGTON, D.C.- In a difficult 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled on Monday that judges can no longer display religious artifacts such as the Ten Commandments in their courtrooms. By manipulating a loophole in the Constitution, lawyers managed to convince the court to invalidate centuries of federal sponsorship for the nation's most popular religion. The end result is that Christianity as we have known it has been effectively outlawed in America.
The same Court later approved of the limited outdoor display of the stone law books but this door prize was too weak and narrow in scope to be of any consolation. "For my faith to be fully realized, I need to be free to foist it on other people," said life-long Christian Holly Rohler. "Without the ability to make people feel excluded, what's the point of being a Christian? Hey, if Indians get to smoke peyote on religious grounds, it's only fair that I get to righteously condemn a few people."
Within hours of the ruling, the Internet buzzed with reports of helpless Christians being hunted by UN soldiers and fed to lions, but so far no confirmations have appeared in the theophobic major media outlets.
Senator Dick Durbin (D. Illinois) took time out of his frantic fundraising and apologizing schedule on Monday to speak out against the ruling and subsequent attacks on people of faith but later learned that the ruling only affected Christians. As a practicing Catholic, he and his family have nothing to worry about.
The real trouble, it seems, falls at the feet of Fundamentalist Christians, followers of Fundamentalist Jesus (much like Regular Jesus but fortified with riboflavin and 12 essential vitamins) and largely considered to be the only true keepers of the faith- by Fundamentalist Christian theologians.
The situation for America's Christians has reportedly gotten so bad that sales of the once popular "You're going to hell and I'm not" line of sportswear have plummeted, and owners of "Jesus fish" ribbon magnets are now claiming the likeness is just a coincidence.
At last report the legal clampdown has pushed millions of the faithful underground, practicing their ceremonial condescension rituals in secret and under the cover of darkness.
"Looking down on different faiths while claiming persecution over my own is my fundamental right as an American," said street corner missionary Sal Frichous. "Meeting in secret like this makes it look like we're ashamed- but Jesus tells us it's all of you that are supposed to feel ashamed, not us."
Mediators have been working through the night trying to reach a compromise with secular leaders. There must be some way for Christians to be able to continue to impose themselves on the minority faiths in a manner allowable under the Constitution. However, this middle ground has been hard to find. The initial idea was to come up with a monument that everyone can agree on, something like "Screw the Zoroastrians," but even with such a tiny religion a chance still exists that someone might move to town and ruin it for everyone.
From safe houses in undisclosed locations, fugitive church leaders have appealed for calm, reminding fellow evangelists that this is not the end of the world. Unfortunately, for a group of people who have been eagerly awaiting the end of the world as long as they can remember, this notion has been a tough sell.
"I honestly don't know where we'll go," said Roller. "Our real goal is to somehow make it to the border, but my husband says Canada won't be any more hospitable to our kind than this country. A very nice Hindu family has offered to hide us in his basement for a while, so we'll see how that goes."