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12/20/2007                                                                                       View Comments

Christianity Outlawed!

From the hilarious site, Ridiculopathy.com:

WASHINGTON, D.C.- In a difficult 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled on Monday that judges can no longer display religious artifacts such as the Ten Commandments in their courtrooms. By manipulating a loophole in the Constitution, lawyers managed to convince the court to invalidate centuries of federal sponsorship for the nation's most popular religion. The end result is that Christianity as we have known it has been effectively outlawed in America.

The same Court later approved of the limited outdoor display of the stone law books but this door prize was too weak and narrow in scope to be of any consolation. "For my faith to be fully realized, I need to be free to foist it on other people," said life-long Christian Holly Rohler. "Without the ability to make people feel excluded, what's the point of being a Christian? Hey, if Indians get to smoke peyote on religious grounds, it's only fair that I get to righteously condemn a few people."

Within hours of the ruling, the Internet buzzed with reports of helpless Christians being hunted by UN soldiers and fed to lions, but so far no confirmations have appeared in the theophobic major media outlets.

Senator Dick Durbin (D. Illinois) took time out of his frantic fundraising and apologizing schedule on Monday to speak out against the ruling and subsequent attacks on people of faith but later learned that the ruling only affected Christians. As a practicing Catholic, he and his family have nothing to worry about.

The real trouble, it seems, falls at the feet of Fundamentalist Christians, followers of Fundamentalist Jesus (much like Regular Jesus but fortified with riboflavin and 12 essential vitamins) and largely considered to be the only true keepers of the faith- by Fundamentalist Christian theologians.

The situation for America's Christians has reportedly gotten so bad that sales of the once popular "You're going to hell and I'm not" line of sportswear have plummeted, and owners of "Jesus fish" ribbon magnets are now claiming the likeness is just a coincidence.

At last report the legal clampdown has pushed millions of the faithful underground, practicing their ceremonial condescension rituals in secret and under the cover of darkness.

"Looking down on different faiths while claiming persecution over my own is my fundamental right as an American," said street corner missionary Sal Frichous. "Meeting in secret like this makes it look like we're ashamed- but Jesus tells us it's all of you that are supposed to feel ashamed, not us."

Mediators have been working through the night trying to reach a compromise with secular leaders. There must be some way for Christians to be able to continue to impose themselves on the minority faiths in a manner allowable under the Constitution. However, this middle ground has been hard to find. The initial idea was to come up with a monument that everyone can agree on, something like "Screw the Zoroastrians," but even with such a tiny religion a chance still exists that someone might move to town and ruin it for everyone.

From safe houses in undisclosed locations, fugitive church leaders have appealed for calm, reminding fellow evangelists that this is not the end of the world. Unfortunately, for a group of people who have been eagerly awaiting the end of the world as long as they can remember, this notion has been a tough sell.

"I honestly don't know where we'll go," said Roller. "Our real goal is to somehow make it to the border, but my husband says Canada won't be any more hospitable to our kind than this country. A very nice Hindu family has offered to hide us in his basement for a while, so we'll see how that goes."

19 comments:

biblethumper said...

This is moronic

2Bornot2B said...

Of course you would say that biblethumper. It takes a moron to know something moronic. I actually found it very funny. Good satire.

nm156 said...

Good stuff, reminds me of something that could have come from the Onion as well!

biblethumper,
would you mind quoting some random Bible verses? You don't seem to be living up to your name. I'm feeling a little shortchanged..

R. Black said...

Hilarious

Rob. said...

If you outlaw Christianity, only outlaws will have Christ.

Ray the Viking said...

Great stuff! Biblethumper's comment and lack of anything to back it up just helps hammer the hilarious point down! Thanks Biblethumper!

Huey said...

biblethumper said:

"This is moronic"

Any more moronic than the xtian propagandic stories, like the idiotic story about the atheist and the bear in the woods? Or those stupid little xtian comic books that came out in the 70's? Why is it okay for xtians to make up inspirational yet meaningless little snipits that are then touted as "truth", yet when an atheist writes something humorous you have to be insulting?

At least we know and understand satire when we read it.

biblethumper said...

Ray the viking

If you need someone to provide evidence that this is moronic than I am afraid it is already too late for you.

Huey said...

biblethumper said:

"Ray the viking

If you need someone to provide evidence that this is moronic than I am afraid it is already too late for you."

He is not asking for evidence. He is stating that you make a blanket statement with saying why you feel it is moronic. It would better help your situation here and in other posts if you would take the time to read and comprehend what you are responding to instead of making facetious comments.

Astreja said...

Unfortunately, for a group of people who have been eagerly awaiting the end of the world as long as they can remember, this notion has been a tough sell.

I give it two thumbs up.

imaginary sky daddy said...

You christians who are reading this thread. You might as well give up waiting for your armageddon, because I am never coming back. LMAO!!!

It is so refreshing to be able to say that! Thank reason for making me lose the fear!

Praise Atheist Toothfairy, you deserve all the glory, not me!

Anonymous said...

When people disbelieve God why do they with strong sentiments attack all religions. Why cant they not believe and be quiet. Its seems that atheism too is a religion postulating its ideas. I tell you, i can never be an atheist it demands too much faith to believe in not to believe.

AtheistToothFairy said...

Anonymous wrote:
Why cant they not believe and be quiet. Its seems that atheism too is a religion postulating its ideas

Any-moose,

If religion would be QUIET, then we wouldn't have a reason to make NOISE, just that simple!!

>I tell you, i can never be an atheist it demands too much faith to believe in not to believe.


Actually, it requires zero faith, but it does require one to use their BRAINS, for a change.

ATF

Dave, not the WM said...

Annoy-me

"Why cant they not believe and be quiet.'

Why can't you xtians just believe and be quiet?

cscws said...

Imaginary Sky Daddy Said:
"Praise Atheist Toothfairy, you deserve all the glory, not me!"

However without "Shit" you cannot spell Christ.

Just think, "Shit" is what makes "Christ" Possible.

GLBT Supporter said...

I think I will wave my rainbow flag in victory!

A non mouse said...

Yeah many religious people think religious tolerance means they have a right to do whatever they want as long as it relates to their religion. Personal freedom allows them to be deluded, but as soon as the freedoms of other people enter into the equation, you play by different rules.

Nevermind that those ten commandments involve "not working on the sabbath" and so on. What the hell is that.

And nevermind that the religion they're promoting is repulsive. You'd have as much right to require your local school to put Mein Kampf on the curriculum.

pekingjohn said...

Anonymous,
Atheists have been quiet for too long. Why is it that we should take a back seat while silly religious people keep making decisions for the rest of us based on what they think God's will is? e.g., George W. Bush: "God told me to go into Iraq." Demanding that our leaders make decisions based on logic and clear thinking as opposed to "the voice of God" is not unreasonable.

hereticzero said...

I think this is satire and not a real story.