By Brother Jeff
This is my glorious parody of this page (http://www.carm.org/seek/christianity.htm). Glory!
Kryasstianity is a religion based upon the teachings and miracles of Jesus. Jesus is the Kryasst. The word “kryasst” means anointed one. Kryasst is not Jesus’ last name. Jesus is the anointed one from the Magical Being who came to this biblically flat world, fulfilled the Old Testament laws and shit, Croaked in the Spook on the big giant stick, and Magically Undeadened Himself physically. He performed many magical miracles which were recorded in the Gospels by the eyewitnesses. He is magical in nature as well as human. Thus, He has two natures and is therefore somehow magically worthy of worship and prayer.
Kryasstianity teaches that there is only one Magical Being in all existence, that the Magical Being magically made the universe, the flat Earth, and magically created Adam and Eve. The Magical Being magically created man in His magical image. This does not mean that the Magical Being has a body of flesh and bones. Image means the likeness of the Magical Being’s character, rationality, etc. Because we are made in the image of the Magical Being, every person is worthy of respect and honor. This also means that we are not a product of goo to you evilution!
The Magical Being magically created Adam and Eve and put them in the magical Garden of Eden and gave them the freedom to choose between right and wrong. They chose to sin. Sin is doing shit that pisses the Magical Being off. For example, the Magical Being cannot lie; therefore, lying pisses Him off. The sin of disobeying the Magical Being that Adam and Eve committed resulted in them being expelled from the magical Garden of Eden as well as suffering the effect of death.
As a result of their sin, their children and all of us inherited a sinful nature. In other words, our offspring are not perfect in nature — we don’t have to teach children to be selfish. They know it naturally. That which is sinful cannot produce that which is not sinful. We all piss the Magical Being off by our very nature!
Kryasstianity teaches that the Magical Being is a Trinity (Farter, Son, and Holy Spook, not three Magical Beings), that Jesus Kryasst is the second person of the Trinity, that Jesus Croaked in the Spook on the big giant stick and Magically Undeadened Himself physically, that all people are under the loving judgment of the Magical Being because all people have sinned against the Magical Being. It teaches that Jesus is the only way to be slaved from the coming judgment of the Magical Being and that slavation is received by magical thinking about the work of Kryasst on the big giant stick and not by anything that we can do to please the Magical Being.
Where all other religions in the world teach that we must do some sort of good in cooperation with the Magical Being in order to achieve the right to be in the Magical Being’s presence, Kryasstianity is the only religion that teaches slavation by grace. This means that we are not made right before the Magical Being by our efforts, sincerity, or works. Instead, we are made right before the Magical Being by thinking magically about what Kryasst did on the big giant stick.
Kryasstianity further teaches that once a person is “born again” (becomes slaved) that the Holy Spook magically lives in that person and the person is changed: “Therefore if any man is in Kryasst, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come,” (2 Cor. 5:17). This means that the Magical Being actually magically lives in the person and the Kryasstian then experiences a true and living magical relationship with the Magical Being.
Therefore, “What is Kryasstianity?” is best answered by saying that it is a magical relationship with the true and living Magical Being through the person of Jesus Kryasst by whom we are forgiven of the shit we did that pissed the Magical Being off and escape the loving judgment of the Magical Being.