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3/07/2009                                                                                       View Comments

Jesus and I broke up, and he’s dating again already!

Submitted by The New Heretics

So, Jesus and I finally broke up.

I really thought that things were going to be different this time. He said that he changed… loosened up a little, stopped all his bad habits, said he was nothing like his dad.

I broke it off, and now I am going through all that crazy movie-like post-break-up nonsense.

I went through that moment of feeling empowered, like I can break out on my own and be single, or maybe even start seeing other people again. You know, get back into that religion dating pool. I am pretty sure that Vishnu was eyeing me up the other day pretty hard in the grocery store, and Buddha did slip me his number last month. He’d actually be kind of cute if he lost a bit of weight.


Losing your religion can be quite a depressing event. I mean, I got “saved” at the age of 5. Then all the sudden out of nowhere I got all crazy and started listening to sad emo music, watching bad romantic comedies alone in the dark while eating a tubs of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, and I can’t seem to get out of my sweatpants!

Am I better off alone? Is he going to call? Is he even thinking of me? Am I getting fat?

And oh my God! What are my parents going to do when they find out? They loved him! Heck, they were the ones who set us up in the first place. They are going to flip. Oh man, and all of our friends are mutual friends - so how are they going to treat me? We even all hung out in the same places. It’s like I am going to be a total social outcast now.

Losing your religion can be quite a depressing event. I mean, I got “saved” at the age of 5. I can not look back to any time in my life when my religion was not there with me. The earliest memory I have - it is already there… like it or not. I actually have no sense of being or identity apart from it, and no idea as to what life was like without it.

I feel like my dog died. Sure he was a crappy dog, even a bit of a jerk at times, but he was still my dog. He bit me, ruined my stuff, hated and attacked all of my friends, and pooped all over my carpet; Yet, he was still my pet, and although it was a crappy relationship - at least it was company of some sort.

This also makes me think of people who stay in bad or even abusive relationships. Why do we? Because it beats being alone, or because this bad relationship is the only one they ever knew? Or maybe we do it because the evil of this relationship we know to be tolerable, and that is less intimidating than what unknown evil may be out there.

I just don’t know if I should take some time to be alone, some “me time”, or if I am really ready to start seeing other gods again. From what I hear they are all are just after the same thing anyway. Pfft… men!



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