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Rapture takes two

from Lark News:

OTTAWA — The Rapture occurred March 31, 2005, at 9:43 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time and took both people on the planet whose theology was exactly correct.

Dan Wilson of Ottawa, Canada, was snatched away while sleeping. "He spent years refining his eschatological scheme," says his wife. "Just last week he told me he had it all right, but I still disagreed with him on a minor point. I regret that now."

Rejna Thanawalla of New Delhi, India, also experienced the Rapture, say friends. "She knew exactly what the books of Revelation and Daniel meant," they say. "Sadly, none of us listened to her."

In a surprise, Tim LaHaye says he was "slightly wrong on the subject of the Beast," and was left behind. Other prophecy experts say they, too, botched minor points in their end times charts.

"Looks like we'll have to stay and wait this out," said one disappointed pastor.

The anti-Christian bias in our society has reached absurd proportions.

Thanks be to Khan for posting this!


1. During the 1988 election campaign, George Bush said that Christians should not be considered patriots or real American citizens.

2. Bill Clinton steadfastly refused to give any speeches at local churches.

3. Both major political parties are dominated by anti-Christians. The Republican party, for example, gave us such hard-core atheists as Pat Buchanan, Dan Quayle, Phyllis Schlafly and Ronald Reagan. And the Democrats have given us such personalities as the Rev. Martin Luther King and the Rev. Jesse Jackson-- both noted for their vicious attacks on all forms of Christianity.

4. Let's talk about the media. On Sunday mornings, nearly all major television channels broadcast pro-atheist shows; it is nearly impossible to find religious programming during that time period. Further, Madalyn Murray O'Hair has her own cable TV channel, while Pat Robertson has been unable to obtain one for himself.

5. Most major newspapers run a special weekly section devoted to atheism. There are no equivalent sections for religious news.

6. Anti-Christian shows such as the American Atheist Forum are broadcast by major national networks. Meanwhile, Billy Graham is only able to get on the air through public access TV, which is watched by few people.

7. On news programs and "reality" TV shows such as Rescue 911, nobody is ever shown giving thanks to God after surviving a disaster.

8. It is almost impossible to find a shopping mall with a Christian Armory book store, while Atheist Book Centers are featured prominently on every corner.

9. While atheists couples who marry rarely have any difficulty finding a place to do so, it is nearly impossible for Christian couples to find a church where they can marry.

10. For that matter, churches themselves are extremely rare, while atheist meeting centers can be found every few blocks.

11. Jurors must take an oath upon a copy of the Skeptical Inquirer before they can serve. There have even been court cases thrown out because one of the jury members was a Christian who insisted on swearing on a Bible.

12. Christians often find it nearly impossible to get time off work for religious holidays such as Christmas.

13. Even our language reflects the radical anti-Christian bias that pervades our society. For example, when somebody sneezes, most people say "Darwin bless you". Similarly, "Voltaire dammit!" is a common cussword.

14. All of our money has the atheistic slogan "We do not trust in God" printed on it.

15. In school, our children are made to recite the pledge, "One nation, anti-God, indivisible...."

16. One cannot rent a hotel room without finding a copy of Nietzsche's The Anti-Christ in the room.

17. Organizations such as the Boy Scouts deny membership to Christians.

18. In the military, it is nearly impossible to obtain Conscientious Objector status for religious reasons, even though those with philosophical reasons can obtain C.O. status relatively easily.

19. Christian churches are forced to pay exorbitant taxes.

20. You can't drive anywhere without seeing a Darwin fish or a "Jesus Was A Fraud" bumper sticker stuck to a car.

21. Georgia recently passed a new law requiring schools to have a "moment of noise" during which children are encouraged to degrade Christianity.

22. College campuses usually have dozens of atheist organizations, but few if any for Christians.

23. Many Christians are afraid to admit their Christianity to their parents and friends, for fear their kin will consider them immoral Christian scum and want nothing to do with them.

24. At presidential inauguration ceremonies, Madalyn Murray-O'Hair (that well-known friend of several presidents) gives a short pro-atheism speech.

25. For decades, high school and college commencement ceremonies have included brief speeches at the beginning and end of the ceremony in which atheism is praised and Christians deemed irrational. Christians who object to the practice, or who ask for an opening prayer instead, are regarded as cranks at best and subversives at worst.

26. "There are no Christians in foxholes" is a popular slogan in our society.

27. Communities set up atheist brainwashing facilities, and apply social pressure to citizens to report to these facilities every Sunday morning. Furthermore, attendees are expected to contribute money to support these facilities, and to build others through "outreach" programs.

28. At baseball games, you can often spot people carrying signs that read "Origin Of Species, page 34".

29. Businesses often refuse to admit that they are Christian owned and operated, for fear of being boycotted by their atheist customers. Meanwhile, atheist-owned businesses often feature Darwin-fish logos in their ads.

30. Atheists have often invented "deathbed deconversion" stories about famous Christians, claiming they became atheists just before they died.

31. Insurance companies refer to natural disasters as "Acts of Darwin".

32. Forms for job applications, government aid and so forth often ask what type of atheist you are, with checkboxes for "atheist", "agnostic", "humanist" and so forth. If you are a Christian, the only thing you can do is check the "other" box-- if one is provided.

33. Sports teams often read from the Humanist Manifesto prior to the game, in the hopes that doing so will increase their chances of winning.

34. Atheists constantly threaten television and movies producers with boycotts whenever they portray Christianity in a positive light.

35. Well-known atheists like Michael Martin and Quentin Smith have set up ministries to witness to Christians, but it is virtually impossible to find Christians who specialize in debating atheists.

36. The word "Christian" is recognized as a term which represents the worst of human attributes: cynicism, pessimism, selfishness, and moral turpitude. The word "Atheist," on the other hand, is used to signify all that is virtuous, as in, "That's mighty Atheist of you!"

37. On sitcoms and movies of the week, the parents make references to how their lack of faith in God helps them get through life's troubles. Meanwhile, Christians are portrayed as pathetic folks who end up converting to atheism.

38. Atheists who convert to christianity are often told by their parents "It's just a rebellious phase. Once you move through this stage of life you'll realize that you never really believed in God." Similarly, people who are raised as Christians are condesended to, and told that if they would give atheism a chance, it would fill the empty hole that Chistianity must be leaving in their lives.

39. Most people assume everyone else is an Atheist and are unbelievers as they are. It makes for uncomfortable social situations for Christians and other religious types.

40. Despite the overwhelming number of Atheists in the general population and in powerful legislative positions, when they don't get their own way, Atheists whine that this is an anti-Atheistic country.

41. Atheists constantly cite, out of context, books of philosophy by noted Atheists to prove that Christians live irrational lives.

42. Atheists do everything possible to get laws passed that will prevent irrational Christians from making their own choices in matters of sex, procreation, life-styles, family units, etc.

43. In small towns and communities all over the U.S. Atheist horns awake Christians at midnight on Saturdays preventing them from getting a good night's sleep before their Sabbath. Fortunately for much of the population, few church bells wake Atheists who want to sleep in on Sundays.

44. Atheist Army (and other Freethought) soup kitchens force homeless Christians to listen to Atheist propaganda before serving them a meal.

45. Hundreds of self-help groups replace codependence with the 12 Steps of A.B.A. (Atheist Brainwashing Anonymous), convincing people they don't have the power to help themselves but must rely on the power of Darwin to overcome addiction.

46. U.S. Atheist organizations send missionaries to underdeveloped countries to convince people to renounce long-held local religious beliefs and become Atheists.

47. All prisons have a resident atheist philosopher, and inmates are encouraged to participate in weekly philophical dicussions on Bible Contradictions. This is often reported to parole board, who consider it a good indication of contritenes on the prisoner's part.

48. A political candidate who declares himself a Christian will have far less chance of winning an election than one who flaunts his atheism.

49. Whenever an atheist commits a crime, invariably people will argue that this is not a sign that teaching atheism might not guarantee a better society, because anyone who would act that way "isn't a true atheist."

50. One often sees bumper stickers like, "Thomas Paine said it, I believe it, that settles it," but seldom sees Christian bumper stickers.

Heaven Less Opulant Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope

HEAVEN—The soul of Pope John Paul, which entered heaven last week following a long illness, expressed confusion and disappointment Saturday, upon learning that the Celestial Kingdom of God to which the departed faithful ascend in the afterlife is significantly less luxurious than the Vatican's Papal Palace, in which the pope spent the past 26 years of his earthly life.

"Where are all the marble statues, sterling-silver chalices, and gem-encrusted scepters?" the visibly disappointed pope asked. "Where are the 60-foot-tall stained-glass windows and hand-painted cupolas? Where are the elaborately outfitted ranks of Swiss Guards? Why isn't every single surface gilded? This is my eternal reward?"

Heaven, according to the New Testament, has "brilliance like a very costly stone... of pure gold, like clear glass..." with "twelve gates... each gate a single pearl." Yet the pope, who spoke from the afterlife, said heaven is nothing like the "solid-gold city" detailed at length by John of Patmos in the Book of Revelations.

"Evidently, the Bible was not intended to be taken literally, after all," John Paul II said. "Don't get me wrong: It's very nice up here—quite beautiful and serene. It's just not as fancy as what I'm accustomed to. If I'd known heaven was going to be like this, I would've taken one last tour through my 50 rooms of velvet-draped thrones and priceless oil paintings before saying 'Amen' and breathing my last."

According to the pope, heaven is merely a place of unending peace and happiness, wherein all the spirits of the Elect live together forever in perfect harmony and goodness, basking in the rays of God's divine love.

"Up here, everyone is equal," John Paul II said. "No one has to go through an elaborate bowing ritual when they greet me. And do you know how many times my ring has been kissed since I arrived? None. Up here, I'm mingling with tax collectors, fishermen, and whores. It's just going to take a little getting used to, is all."

The pope said it is amusing to think that he has been waiting for this "so-called Paradise" his entire life.

"I spent almost 84 years reciting novenas and Hail Marys to get to this restful place," John Paul II said. "If I'd wanted peace, quiet, and pretty clouds, I could've moved to the Italian Riviera. Frankly, this afterlife represents a significant drop in my standard of living."

"Well, they always said you can't take it with you," he added.

The Onion

Oh, how I can not wait to worship at His Feet

sent in by Sarah

My favorite bible story in the bible is Noah's Ark--What a demonstration of God's unconditional love and such a scientifically based logical story to say the least. The fact that two of every kind unclean animal and seven of every kind of clean animal, a male and its mate were able to live in a boat for 40 days outside their natural habitat and survive. The fact that Noah, his family, and all the animals were able to live peacefully on the boat for 40 days and nights without having a serious waste contamination and water borne illnesses. And oh the unconditional love of God outpouring on his creation as he let it rain and rain and rain for forty days and nights, "To wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made." Genesis 7:4 What Grace and Compassion!

That is the type of God I want to spend eternity with. But be careful everyone, he can strike you down at any moment, just because, he is, well... God. Don't question him. In fact, don't question me I am just a angry ex-christian, that's all.

So make sure you pray for mercy for your sins every second you are not sinning or else. Oh and Smile! because God loves you regardless of the fact that he created you wicked and depraved, sinful, and degenerate. After all, "every inclination of [your] heart is evil from childhood." Genesis 8:21b

Someday, if you say the sinner's prayer, live a life worthy to the call, you might be privileged to spend eternity worshipping at the feet of this mighty loving God. Just imagine you get to kneel down for eternity on a slab of gold!!

How wonderful and if you are believing the right Christian theology, you might have the priviledge of having spiritual jobs and a house made of gold and maybe even a crown. But don't worry, God will never leave you or forsake you if you toe the line. And forget about your earthly relationships, who can tell who will have the priviledge of kneeling on a hard slab of gold for eternity in front of a big throne? Who can tell who will go to heaven? But for sure not the exchristians. No one know a heart, except GOD!!!

Our life is like a blink of an eye compared to the spectrum of eternity, so watch out! You might be in hell sooner than you think and there for eternity.

Trust God! And remember that all your unbelieving relatives and friends will be tormented, burned, and sentenced to a life in the lake of fire, HELL with the evil one for eternity. Did you hear me eternity!! Just because they refused to believe in such a loving God like you did. Talk about amazing Grace! I think I want to become a Christian again, what about you?

I commited the unforgivable sin... I became a skeptic

sent in by Matt

I will start now by saying that I have not had a bad experience with Christianity. It made me feel good and it gave me an answer for the inexplicable. I don't blame people for being Christians, nor do I hate them when they 'witness' to me. I was one of them, too. Some of my best friends are still Christian, and most of my family is Christian, with a significant portion of them Fundamentalist.

My most intense Christian experience came when I just started High School. My youth pastor invited me to a Bible Camp. I happily agreed, and my life was suddenly changed. Looking back now, a whole week of nothing but the Bible is enough to brainwash a person, but at the time, the Truth was revealed to me. In my mind and heart, it was Jesus time all the time. And I felt complete. I felt like I was finally in on something great.

Throughout high school and the beginning of college, I was the leader of anything Christian in my community and campus. I led mission trips around the world. I prayed for colleagues, and became close friends with them. I even saw miracles. Even now, looking back, these were positive times in my life. I see them from a totally different perspective now, but I wouldn't trade my life's experience for anything.

Then I met her. Tiffany. I fell in love with her (we're still in love, btw), and she took a shining to me. But she was a Witch, and I was a Christian. I saw it as a challenge. She didn't want me to 'witness' to her, but she was perfectly fine discussing our differences and what we believe. She listened patiently as I told her about Jesus and all the historical evidence and how He was God and was resurrected and all that happy horse shit. She said, "Prove it."

I did my research, read the Bible even more, and I prayed for her. In the meantime, she told me about her doubts with the Christian faith (I won't go into them, there are too many to remember). I began to think critically about the faith and beliefs I had held as truth for so long. I began to see the world as a joke. Nothing should be taken seriously. Who cares about us anyway? We die, and that's the end. Nobody will remember me, and I love that idea. I just want people to quit controlling me, and I'll get out of their face in return.

Thus I heard the voice of our mother Eris, she what done it all, the Goddess of Discord. I don't worship her, though. I just give her lip service so she doesn't get bitchy.

The End

Rapid City
South Dakota
Christian since I was born
Left gradually from about 3 years ago
Was a Lutheran, United Campus Ministry, Methodist, etc...
Now a Discordian
I believed because it was the only thing I knew
I left becuase I actually thought about what the Church and the Bible was saying, and I was repelled by it.
Email: mattfred at gmail dot com

Fervent Effectual Prayer

sent in by Nathan

This is not exactly a testimony. It's actually a short story, but has to do with issues of religion. Any feedback is greatly appreciated!

“Joshua, coffee’s ready!” Anne called to him. It was six o’clock in the morning and Joshua still had some last minute preparations to make for his Sunday morning sermon. After drinking his coffee, the preacher knelt by his bed to offer his morning prayers. He could feel the presence of God stirring a holy message inside of him that he planned to share in just a few hours. Having finished his prayer, Joshua pulled back the pages of his Bible and immediately, the twenty-first verse of Matthew twenty-one grabbed hold of his spirit.

“I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done.”

Joshua planned on using this verse for his sermon. He knew that the anointing of the spirit was on him that morning, and that this verse would speak volumes to his congregation.

At nine-thirty Joshua and Anne wandered into the seats of their car both meditating silently on the goodness of God. Anne drove this morning, giving her husband a chance to pray silently as they made their short methodical journey to the Charlottesville Community Church.

As they passed a homeless man at twenty miles per hour, Joshua prayed silently for the nameless man on the other side of the glass. “Jesus,” he muttered under his breath, “I know that you love this man. Please put your peace upon him. Be with him, Lord. I love you, Jesus. Show this man your love as you have shown it to me. Thank you, Jesus.”

Each person on the other side of the glass that looked needful of God’s love was bombarded by spiritual uttering as Anne and Joshua drove slowly to church. Just a few blocks from the church their car was forced to a stand still by a traffic light. Looking out his right window Joshua noticed a Muslim imam stopped parallel to him and his wife.

Joshua began to pray again, “Lord please help this lost man who has been deceived. I know you love him, Lord. He knows no better that the path he has chosen. Jesus, please have mercy on him and show him the way of your true light.” He continued to pray as the light turned fluorescent green and Anne edged out into the intersection in harmony with the Muslim. “Father, I love you. Jesus, please give this man your peace, your peace that passes all—“

Joshua’s prayer was cut short mid-sentence by Anne’s screaming, “OH MY GOD, JESU—“ and in the next moment their spirits were taken away as was that of the imam in the car next to them. A truck driver had failed to notice the red light on his side of the intersection. Wondering why he was still alive he stepped out of his vehicle to see blood pouring out of the two cars, out of the three bodies. Shards of glass had burst into Joshua’s skin, cutting through him like a sharpened knife through a ripe fig.

* * *

The gates of heaven were just as Joshua had imagined. Made of pure translucent gold, they towered up beyond the limits of perception, so that no spirit could scale them. There were jewels embedded in the gate in glorious patterns of unearthly splendor. Joshua looked over at his wife and smiled. She knew now that all her prayers had not been in vain. She looked deep into her husband’s eyes and could see with perfect clarity his infinite joy, just as he could see hers.

Suddenly, a sadder thought came into Joshua’s mind. He looked just past his wife and his gaze landed on the Muslim imam whom they had seen just before their spirits were whisked away to Heaven. Joshua began to continue his prayer that had been cut short by death, “…your peace that passes all understanding. Please have mercy on this man, Jesus. Please allow him to enter your kingdom. Do not let his ignorance keep him from your beautiful love.”

A glowing white figure appeared in front of the gate. The light emanating from him was so bright that Joshua could hardly keep his eyes open. The glowing figure raised an arm and pointed at the Muslim man. Fear welled up inside of Joshua’s heart. He wanted so badly to see this man enter Heaven but deep inside he know that God is completely just and ultimately only those who have had communion with the spirit of Jesus would be able to enter. But as the white figure stood by the gate he began to beckon the Muslim man forward with his hand, and Joshua’s heart began to teem up with uncontrollable joy. “Could it be?” he thought to himself, “that God will have mercy upon this man? Oh, the great mercy of God!”

The gates were opening and the Holy man was walking through. Out loud Joshua spoke boldly, “Jesus, all praises be to you! Your mercy is everlasting! All creation will worship you from Alpha to Omega and again forever. Your mercy is everlasting!” The glowing figure turned his face toward Joshua, and the preacher could scarcely look upon him without feeling that he must bow down before him. He dropped to his knees in worship and continued to speak praises loudly. “Jesus, you are glorious! Oh what a mystery your great Love and Mercy are to the hearts of men!” “STOP!” yelled the glowing figure. Joshua knelt in silence as the figure continued, “I am not Jesus, I am Mohamed.”

Joshua’s eyes began darting around, to his wife with a look of terror on her face, back to the white figure, and then to the gate that had just begun to close. He could see thousands of veiled women on the other side of the gate. He looked back at Anne, now with terror in his own eyes. She couldn’t open her mouth. Neither of them could say anything.

Mohamed was now extending his arm to them, only now the beckoning hand that he had shown the Muslim imam had transformed into an open palm of rejection. Immediately the floor opened up beneath them and they fell down and down and down. Joshua thought back over his life. He thought of all the prayer, all of the dedication. He had sacrificed his own life for Jesus! How could this be that he was wrong? The darkness increased as the man and his wife fell further into the abyss. They could no longer make out each other’s faces in the blackness. The end that awaited them was one that they had never anticipated in life. Joshua had never imagined that Muslim hell could be so terrible.

Evangelist Sues Critic Over Charge

A best-selling Christian author and radio evangelist known as the "Bible Answer Man" has filed a defamation lawsuit against a longtime critic who had accused him of being under investigation for mail fraud.

Controversy surrounding Hank Hanegraaff's Rancho Santa Margarita-based Christian Research Institute arose earlier this year after he sent out an urgent fundraising letter, saying that a "bizarre error" by postal workers caused donations to be thrown away.

Critic and former Christian Research Institute employee Bill Alnor, a journalism professor at Texas A&M University-Kingsville, posted a story on his online magazine, the Christian Sentinel, saying that Hanegraaff was the focus of a federal mail-fraud investigation.

According to Hanegraaff, that was never true. Citing Alnor's "escalating personal attacks," he filed suit this week in Orange County Superior Court because, he said, Alnor's allegations have "crossed the line." He is seeking unspecified damages.

"The statement he made is patently false," Hanegraaff said. "There's no truth to it whatsoever."

Alnor said he recently spoke to a postal inspector who told him the case remains under continual review.

U.S. Postal Inspector Randy DeGasperin, who did not speak to Alnor, said a formal investigation was never opened, but added that "those conditions can change as more information comes in." Postal officials did review Alnor's complaint about the Christian Research Institute, but did not find enough evidence to file charges, DeGasperin said.

"I've always said that if there's anything wrong with my story, I would correct it," Alnor said. He stands by his original story, but will update the language on his website to say that the case is under continual review. The lawsuit, he said, was an attempt to keep him quiet.

"I'm the whistle-blower," Alnor said. "They're trying to shut me up. I have no hate in my heart against them, but I do think there are things that are gravely wrong."

The fundraising letter said the Christian Research Institute may have lost "hundreds of thousands of dollars" over a three-month period, and that the U.S. Postal Service had accepted full responsibility. At the time, however, postal officials said they knew of no delivery problems and had not spoken to ministry officials.

The Christian Research Institute has faced criticism for more than a decade that it misused donor money. In 2003, the industry watchdog group, the Evangelical Council for Financial Accountability, conducted an audit that resulted in a "significant reimbursement" to Christian Research Institute.

Employees had accused Hanegraaff of using donations to pay for personal expenses, including a new Lexus, as well as repairs to his children's computers and birthday flowers for his mother.

Since then, Hanegraaff said, the organization has improved its bookkeeping practices and has been given high marks by the Evangelical Council.

"To the credit of CRI, we've monitored them, and we're satisfied that they brought themselves back into compliance," said Paul Nelson, president of the council. "That was a tough period for them, but they did what they needed to do."

Nelson said he also investigated the mail-fraud issue, but was satisfied that the Christian Research Institute did not violate laws or dishonestly solicit money.

The solicitation letter citing lost mail might be "offensive to some, but it was not dishonest," Nelson said. "It wasn't a fabricated piece of correspondence."

Alnor said the Evangelical Council never called him as part of its investigation, and he questions its impartiality.

L.A. Times

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