Christian Paranoia
By Lorena
When I was a Christian, I was in a permanent semi-paranoid state. The heathens, I’d been told, were always watching me, to see if I really was a faultless Christian.
My fellow Christians were always watching me for signs of backsliding, so they could straighten me out with “wise” words of timely, “loving,” advice.
God was always watching me; after all, that was his job: to keep me in a short leash, so he could protect me from danger and keep me accountable for my sins.
The devil and his angels were always watching me, hoping that I would leave the straight and narrow and I could be mercilessly attacked, since once fallen, God couldn’t protect me anymore.
Quite honestly I was going insane, because I had sincerely believed all that. When the psychologist told me that I was in an unhealthy, permanent state of stress, I didn’t believe him. He said that I had an on-going case of fight-or-flight response, in which my nervous system considered all outside stimuli an almost death threat. I, he said, was producing a high amount of cortisol that was depressing my immune system. That, he believed, was the reason for my multiple aches and pains.
I carefully considered the guy’s statements for a while. I started to watch myself. I noticed, for example, that when I was driving, my shoulders where always tense. I was normally worried about what the driver behind me thought of my driving. Also, when entering a room with strangers, I thought I was being closely scrutinized and judged.
I must admit that the way of thinking was instilled in me systematically by my undiagnosed insane mother. Christianity, however, didn’t help appease my affliction; on the contrary, it encouraged it. The paranoia I was taught as a child was magnified by the Christian belief system. A Christian would say, “Well, that is your problem, because I’ve been a Christian for xx years and I don’t have any of the problems you report.”
To that I would respond, “Sure, you don’t. You didn’t grow up in my house, did you?” I would also add that they didn’t go to any of the churches I attended or didn’t experience my life losses and my disappointments.
But I would have to assure the well-meaning Christian that his growing-up years were not trouble free; otherwise, why would he or she believe fairy tales of a god who says he loves us but will still send most of the world’s population to hell for not believing in his so-called son?
If I could, I would enlist the help of anthropologists, sociologists, and psychologists to help me answer that question. Since that isn’t possible, I will venture an observation of my own: many people who cling to Christianity come from homes were they were spanked, severely controlled, or otherwise abused. They were conditioned to obey and follow, making the structure of the church appealing to their submissive nature. I have observed that children who have controlling parents get used to being told what to do and become lazy at using their brain for even simple endeavours such as which flavour of ice cream to order. For these people, having a black-and-white, completely thought-out belief system like that of Christianity is handy. They really don’t want to think. They’re not used to it.
I know that was the case with me and with many Christians I know: we found our dysfunctional family of origin reproduced in the church, and that provided a high level of comfort and familiarity. Psychologists do say that children of dysfunctional families feel more comfortable in settings similar to that of their early memories. That’s why daughters of alcoholics end up marrying alcoholics.
Christians go to my blog to hassle me for writing against the Christian church—I should move on they say. Well, why wouldn’t I speak out against an institution which makes use of a person’s miserable life’s experiences to send him or her even deeper into emotional trauma?
Is it only me? Am I the only one who suffered emotional consequences from my involvement with Christianity? Am I just a bitter asshole trying to insult a “good” group of people? I think not. I think anybody who has studied history will realize that Christianity has always been on the side of the privileged, that while some good has been done in the name of Jesus—much more harm has been accomplished.
You, Christians, disagree with me? That’s too bad, because that’s my opinion and I am sticking to it.
When I was a Christian, I was in a permanent semi-paranoid state. The heathens, I’d been told, were always watching me, to see if I really was a faultless Christian.
My fellow Christians were always watching me for signs of backsliding, so they could straighten me out with “wise” words of timely, “loving,” advice.
God was always watching me; after all, that was his job: to keep me in a short leash, so he could protect me from danger and keep me accountable for my sins.
The devil and his angels were always watching me, hoping that I would leave the straight and narrow and I could be mercilessly attacked, since once fallen, God couldn’t protect me anymore.
Quite honestly I was going insane, because I had sincerely believed all that. When the psychologist told me that I was in an unhealthy, permanent state of stress, I didn’t believe him. He said that I had an on-going case of fight-or-flight response, in which my nervous system considered all outside stimuli an almost death threat. I, he said, was producing a high amount of cortisol that was depressing my immune system. That, he believed, was the reason for my multiple aches and pains.
I carefully considered the guy’s statements for a while. I started to watch myself. I noticed, for example, that when I was driving, my shoulders where always tense. I was normally worried about what the driver behind me thought of my driving. Also, when entering a room with strangers, I thought I was being closely scrutinized and judged.
I must admit that the way of thinking was instilled in me systematically by my undiagnosed insane mother. Christianity, however, didn’t help appease my affliction; on the contrary, it encouraged it. The paranoia I was taught as a child was magnified by the Christian belief system. A Christian would say, “Well, that is your problem, because I’ve been a Christian for xx years and I don’t have any of the problems you report.”
To that I would respond, “Sure, you don’t. You didn’t grow up in my house, did you?” I would also add that they didn’t go to any of the churches I attended or didn’t experience my life losses and my disappointments.
But I would have to assure the well-meaning Christian that his growing-up years were not trouble free; otherwise, why would he or she believe fairy tales of a god who says he loves us but will still send most of the world’s population to hell for not believing in his so-called son?
If I could, I would enlist the help of anthropologists, sociologists, and psychologists to help me answer that question. Since that isn’t possible, I will venture an observation of my own: many people who cling to Christianity come from homes were they were spanked, severely controlled, or otherwise abused. They were conditioned to obey and follow, making the structure of the church appealing to their submissive nature. I have observed that children who have controlling parents get used to being told what to do and become lazy at using their brain for even simple endeavours such as which flavour of ice cream to order. For these people, having a black-and-white, completely thought-out belief system like that of Christianity is handy. They really don’t want to think. They’re not used to it.
I know that was the case with me and with many Christians I know: we found our dysfunctional family of origin reproduced in the church, and that provided a high level of comfort and familiarity. Psychologists do say that children of dysfunctional families feel more comfortable in settings similar to that of their early memories. That’s why daughters of alcoholics end up marrying alcoholics.
Christians go to my blog to hassle me for writing against the Christian church—I should move on they say. Well, why wouldn’t I speak out against an institution which makes use of a person’s miserable life’s experiences to send him or her even deeper into emotional trauma?
Is it only me? Am I the only one who suffered emotional consequences from my involvement with Christianity? Am I just a bitter asshole trying to insult a “good” group of people? I think not. I think anybody who has studied history will realize that Christianity has always been on the side of the privileged, that while some good has been done in the name of Jesus—much more harm has been accomplished.
You, Christians, disagree with me? That’s too bad, because that’s my opinion and I am sticking to it.
Comments
The whole "praying for God's will" confused me even as a Christian. If God knows everything that's going to happen, then is my prayer supposed to change God's mind?? I also felt that this philosophy had me always feeling that when it came to making somekind of choice, there was an obvious "good" choice and a "bad" choice - you had to pray to discern which is which. Once the choice was made, I was left in anxiety whether or not I heard God correctly, or if my decision was "flesh" based, etc.
My journey towards healing really began when I read a book called, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. One of the things she discussed was that there really aren't good or bad choices - either choice you make, whatever the outcome it makes - it's all a *learning experience*. There is something to be gained from all of our experiences. This helped me let go of so much anxiety and fear which had lead my life up until then.
Thank you for sharing - you're not alone in your experience.
Unlike you though, i can't really point at my controlling adoptive mother for my easy conversion. I had always rebelled against that authority since i was a small child. When i said the sinners prayer at fourteen, it was only out of fear that the world was going to end on Sept. 13 of that year and that i was going to Hell. That was not a true conversion. On the contrary however, when i was "saved" at sixteen it was because of a sincere love for this God and his son. It wasn't until I converted and began to read the Bible that I became confused and tormented and paranoid. I always thought there was something wrong with me, because as you said, other Christians just couldn't relate to my fears and confusion. They seemed to be members of some elite group that were merely tolerating me and my childish rants. THEY got it so why couldn't I? THEY never had problems with certain scriptural inconsistencies so why did I? My problem was that I thought too much, they would say. I tormented myself, they said.
I think you have a good point when you bring up the dictatorship some adults experienced as children and that is why they find it so easy to be controlled by religion, but it's not my personal experience. What does seem a reality though, is that those of us who have left Christianity have been, from birth, highly analytical people as opposed to the highly emotional people who can sit in a Baptist pew for 40 years of their life singing the same old tired hymns and never questioning the poison that is preached every Sunday. That is why so many people easily accept a vision of Mary on the side of a building, a crying statue, or a vision of Jesus in a peanut butter sandwich. That is why so many people can be duped into believing all of the lies the Roman government has perpetuated all these years. My friend asked me why, if there were other stories of crucified saviors long before Jesus, did Christianity survive. He was trying to make a defense for Christianity when he asked this. My answer was that the Roman government hadn't sunk their teeth into the other myths. The Romans were experts at controlling the masses by fear, and they are still doing it to this day. Protestants are so blind but many of them choose to be. I have tried to tell others about the origins of their faith. I've tried to tell other Protestants about the origins of their "Christian" holidays and Sabbath. I've tried to tell them of the origin of their "rapture" doctrine and the origins of their "Hell" doctrine. They choose to remain ignorant not because they truelly love Jesus so much, but because of fear!
I too went to a therapist. She said I had a "Madonna/Whore syndrome", meaning that I was stuck between wanting to be spiritually chaste and wanting to break out of religion. I only saw her twice, but she had a point. Christians make us think there is something wrong with us wanting to exert our individualality. We are all supposed to be drones. Christianity discourages individuality. Sure, it talks about the different "gifts of the Holy Spirit" but there is a vocabulary and lifestyle we are supposed to adhere to. I would look at these attractive, dronish pastors' and deacons' wives and wish I could be like them. I related more to someone like Joyce Meyers. I was rough around the edges. If I didn't agree with my ex-boyfriend on Biblical "truths" it was because "I didn't trust the man of God he was" and was not submitting to him! It was wrong to enjoy the fact that men found me attractive! A Godly woman would play down her attractiveness. Nicolas was threatened by everything about me that made me stand out above him. I've been the center of attention since Kindergarden. Boys would fight over who was going to sleep next to me at naptime. I was always the class clown and at thirty-two-years old, I still am. I love to make people laugh. I love to love everyone and to make them love me. I love relationship. Why was any of this wrong?
That's the reality of Christianity. We are supposed to be like Christ and Christ wasn't a woman! So we have to stuff down our ethnicity or our sex or our sexual preference or our taste in music or entertainment. We have to watch how we dress and talk (especially as women). We should sport some kind of Christian symbol on our cars and pray with our families at the Golden Corral to make sure we are showing God we're proud of him and his son. We have to make sure we give Him ALL of the glory and take none of the credit for ourselves, because without Him we are NOTHING. If our hand causes us to jack off or double click the mouse (so to speak) occassionally than we need to cut it off, because it's better to lose our hand than to be thrown into Hell. If we are divorced women we better not remarry until our ex-husband is DEAD, because even if he left us and is porking another woman, we will always be considered an adulteress while our first husband is alive. It doesn't matter if we have children to raise all by ourselves and have a natural desire for a husband to love and cherish us and make love to us. Also, if our spouse doesn't cheat on us we are not allowed to divorce even if the bastard beats the Hell out of us or if the slut is a crack whore. Give me a break! Us women are supposed to be wearing head coverings in church and we're not allowed to speak in church unless we're Joyce Meyers or Paula White. Then we can write books and go around the country preaching and living in mansions and driving Mercedes and Hummers, because for whatever reason, our message sells. Christians are supposed to not pray out loud in the synagogues like the hypocrites do unless they're Benny Hinn. See, if you're making money for the church than you are exempt from the rules the rest of us are expected to follow. These men and women are highly esteemed and we aren't supposed to speak against "God's annointed." What SHIT!
Fear has kept so many of us from enjoying the short time we have here on Earth. I'm not suggesting the we ex-Christians go out and be hedonists. Why is it that a person can't abstain from promiscuity, drugs, etc. just because common sense demands it? DUH! Promiscuity leads to disease and often heartache. Drugs often lead to addiction, health problems, or death. I don't need a god to tell me something is wrong. Experience tells me that walking into a door over and over is going to give me a headache when all i have to do is turn the damned door knob, pull open the door, and walk through the door way. Experience also tells me that, for me, my body responds violently to drugs, so if i don't want to kill myself I'd better stay away from the shit. Experience tells me that when i am lied to it hurts and offends me, so I don't want to hurt and offend others and therefore abstain from lying. Experience tells me that it hurts to be abandoned and have promises broken, so I try to be a woman of my word and keep my promises. I am faithful and honest in my relationships, because i know from experience that it sucks to be cheated on. DUH! "Do unto others..." is not unique to Christianity. Many other enlightened ones have suggested the same lifestyle long before Jesus was a thought. Christianity is not the only religion that practices asceticsm (lets face it, that is EXACTLY what it practices and teaches). Jainists teach "nonattachment" as do the Buddhists and many of the world's religions. Nearly all of the world's religions rule by fear. That's how they continue to support their temples, their monks, their priests, and their ministers. Even when a nation is a communist one the leader of that nation is usually held up to be divine. Fear controls us. Human Beings want to revere someone or something else and there are always men that will allow the masses to worship them. Ironically though, many of the world's religious founders did not say they were God and did not expect to be worshipped, but the followers are the ones who, after the teacher's death, exalt them to a higher position then the teacher himself aspired to.
I love my fellow man, because I just can't help myself. I appreciate the beauty around me, because I can't help myself. I don't need to have a fear of God in me to compel me to feel love, compassion or appreciation.
Great post Lorena! I get all heated up when it comes to this topic. Any excuse for me to rant :-)
Keep on blogging, Lorena...like the old gospel hymn says, "someone you may rescue".
Lorena:
Thanks piprus. I need all the encouragement I can get.
rj:
During the worst of it all I would beg Jesus to ease my troubled mind.
Lorena:
I used to beg too. But once I stopped going to church, I just felt better miracuously.
sarge:
he people who come up, no matter what the venue, and ask for hymns are usually recognisably in need of something psychotropic.
Lorena:
I was one of those hymn lovers sarge... "a wretch that was saved."
Anonymous:
My journey towards healing really began when I read a book called, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers.
Lorena:
I will try to make time to read that book, thanks.
NeverGoingBack:
We are so similar, sister. I, too, used to like Joyce Meyer--the woman tells it like it is. Thank you for your post. I could write a book agreeing with you point by point.
MuttMutt78:
Because the abuse is emotional there are no visible scars, but the scars go much deeper and hurt for much longer.
Lorena:
Yes, most people are ignorant about psychological issues. I have learned not to tell anyone (in person). Nobody ever understands.
You never know, I could make my blog into a book.
I would be glad to help you edit your book. Let's become famous together!
Someone else come up with a good title for their book,...we's got to encourage one another,..right?
You go girls!!!!!!!!!!!!
The writers would have to donate the copyrights to him, so he can use the money to continue to fund the exchristian websites.
I would be more than willing to let him publish anything of mine.
We are the future, you know! Since no religion is based on truth, we are the ones with the future in our hands. We should do all we can to expose religion for what it is. You never can tell who we might "save."
I think your idea of a book by the webmaster is a great one. Some of my best reading has been done right here. A suggestion for a title: "Musings from the Future" or how about "Former Cretins Speak Out"?
How about it Mr. Webmaster, what say you?
(it's true)
I have gone through my share of psychiatric issues such as depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, which were created by my own inherent personality and experiences and exacerbated by my belief in christianity.
The kinds of thoughts that ran through my head were crazy, such as being afraid of walking past churches for fear of "the spirit" possessing me and making me speak in tongues like a maniac. I would literally get full-blown panic attacks because of this. Or on the other hand, becoming obssessive/compulsive about thinking of the phrase "fuck god" and suddenly becoming possessed by the devil! These were just a couple of examples of my mental state, all the while trying to maintain an outward appearance of normalcy of holding down a job, having friends, and attending school.
Fast-forward to today; I have never felt more sane by just being myself, without any religious beliefs or concerns. I still have a few small residual psychological issues, but I accept them as something that's part of my personality and just work through them in a more calm and rational state of mind.
Thank you for posting this very revealing story! I would really encourage you to write a book--you have a very eloquent and descriptive style that I enjoy. And thanks for helping me reaffirm that as long as I'm no longer psychologically bound by christianity's paranoia, everything else in life is a lot easier to handle.
I hope you have a terrific day!
Michelle Mybell
"i just want you to know that no matter how you feel around you that no one has a right to judge you. Weather you believe it or not God made you and in that He knew sin was going to come in. All people have messed up and they shouldnt look at other people to try to make themselves fell better. You were made by the almighty just try to remeber that even thpough you dont want to. He isnt against you and who could stand a chance against Him. But that is your choice. God Bless."
Awww, that's beautiful young lady/little boy. So, essentially what you're saying here is---God created us flawed and in dire need of God's help for a reason, and that reason is, we should "let" God help us because if we DON'T let God him help us, we don't "stand a chance against Him", for God will send us to the lake of fire for not letting Him help us. And all this is a choice.
Please come back and correct me if this is inaccurate.
I thought god created us to force us on our knees and glorify his dick!
Now, I love sex, but I do not like being forced into it by any egotistical maniac!
I did read in a recent Billy Graham article in which he stated that our only reason on earth is to give him glory. This is the most ridiculous notion that any christian can make. It is absurd logic. I do not demand this of my offspring so why would an all loving creator DEMAND this of his children, unless we are his servants in slavery! Fuck that!
Yikes!!...now if it was a "SHE" and paraded around in nothing but some red strappy Jimmi Choo stilettos?... I could get on my knees for that....::wink::
Yes, and that is also what Rick Warren wrote in the Purpose Driven Life, which is a pile of b.s., by the way.
I wanted to better understand the paranoia Christians seem to embrace. I am still a Christian, but I noticed a large number of the Christian community constantly engrossed by fear of what others may do.
I am very laid back about Christianity, and as such am not plagued by constant fear.
Thank you very much for the article though, it was very helpful for me.
I will continue to pray for you.
I wanted to better understand the paranoia Christians seem to embrace. I am still a Christian, but I noticed a large number of the Christian community constantly engrossed by fear of what others may do.
I am very laid back about Christianity, and as such am not plagued by constant fear.
Thank you very much for the article though, it was very helpful for me.
I will continue to pray for you.
I feel sorry for you and will think about your ignorance. I think you have been misled into believing the christian cultists. I hope you can escape and discover the truth someday…before it’s too late. Nothing bless…;-). The good news is, once you begin to think for yourself, there’s nothing anyone in the christian cult can do or say to make you give up your reasoning capabilities. You see, at this point you are still thinking like a child, believing in all those Christian fairy tales and scary stories. God still…and always will be…just in your imagination.
When you get up off your knees from praying for us, could you tell us what a "true christian" is? Thanks.
WOW...what a convincing argument! You must have thought about that for, what, 20 or maybe even 30 seconds before your wrote it.
But before we all head back for our bibles, and return to church, I'd like to ask a few questions...
1. Where did you get the idea that you are a sinner? Who accused you?
2. If jesus is alive right now, where is he physically living?
3. This relates to question 2, if he lives in you and through you, where in you does he live? Do you charge him rent by the month or the week? How do the two of you occupy the same space? How does he live in you and "through" at the same time? Are you a tunnel?
4. You claim he has amazing plans for you, but can you tell us why he didn't have amazing plans for any of the kids who are dying in our local childrens hospital? He only cares about you, is that it?
Anony, don't bother praying for us. All praying does is make you feel as though you've done something when you haven't done jack-sh*t!
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