The Bible for Dummies

By John

Image by Brent Nelson via Flickr

I was a Christian for a dozen years. The following is my attempt to summarize in a nutshell what I read in the Bible:

1. God creates the universe. Billions of years later, he tells humans that he did it in six days: first the earth, then light, and then the sun and stars to serve as calendar.
2. God forbids the knowledge of right and wrong to Adam and Eve. Then, he blames them for their wrong choice, and condemns them and all their offspring to death.
3. Ever since Adam and Eve’s fall, God hides himself from most of mankind. But he blames anyone doubting his existence.
4. God drowns all living creatures in a flood, including koalas, giraffes, kids and grannies, minus the eight members of Noah’s family and couples of every species. Later, he provides the commandment “You shall not kill.”
5. Abraham is willing to sacrifice his son at God’s command, and God praises his faith. Later, Jesus blames believers for blindly observing God’s commandments, saying that “God wants mercy, not sacrifice.”
6. Abraham’s nephew Lot offers his two daughters to appease a rapist mob. Later, he has sex with them while drunk. He is what God calls a righteous man.
7. God delivers his people Israel from slavery and genocide in Egypt. Then, he allows them to own slaves, and commands them to exterminate the Canaanites, the Jebusites and the Amalekites.
8. God gives the Israelites a law that commands them to kill homosexuals. In another law, he allows them to sell their daughters as sex slaves.
9. God sends Jesus to offer his life as a sacrifice. Then, God gives Jesus his life back. Perhaps, he cancelled the condemnation of Adam and Eve's offspring and the need for Jesus' sacrifice when he decreed that the sinner alone would die for his own sin.
10. Jesus promises that whatever we ask in prayer will be granted. He has not yet given us a cure for cancer, though. Fortunately, human medical research is advancing.
11. Jesus tells his disciples to sell all their possessions and give everything to the poor, as he will return within “this generation.” The first generation of his disciples does so, but the current 80th generation holds on retirement plans.
12. God is love and commands us to love one another. If we don’t, he will torture us forever in hell.
13. God inspires penmen to write all the above–plus a few stories about stopping the sun for one day and spending three days in a fish–in a book. Then, he expects us to use that book as a guide for our life, hope, ethics and family values.

That's it. How come I needed twelve years to come to my senses? How come that book is still taken seriously today?

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