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10/21/2006                                                                                       View Comments

RELIGION



George Carlin -- "Religion" and "There Is No God" (1999)

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.

So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.

And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.

I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?

Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.

In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!

30 comments:

Leonard said...

You can´t beat George Carlin.

Is it me, or does he look a little bit like people tend to envision God?

Anonymous said...

LOL! George Carlin is quite possibly the god of stand up comedy. I've yet to see anyone before or since him that can hold a captive audience with no props outside of maybe the chair and microphone he uses.

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious! Thank you for posting that!

Bentley said...

It's so sad that, the people that need to hear this, never will because they are lost in their make believe world of God and Jesus.

What can anyone do to reverse this disease???

Anonymous said...

The problem lies in convencing people that it's not true. People think and want to believe that the bible writers were certainly messengers from God above, therefore they had no reason to lie.

How do we convence Christians that they are trying to believe a lie?

What ammo do we use? Since words are used as the definate weapon of deception.

D Laurier said...

Carlin is briliant

freedy said...

Carlin is my hero,mentor and is an American treasure!
He would be right at home here on ex-christian,....although me thinks he would prefer a more right-winged religious audience to enlighten.
We salute you G.C.!

Jim Arvo said...

This is great stuff. I've long felt that humor is one of the great antidotes to indoctrination. This makes Carlin something of an expert deprogrammer. I say "Well done."

Bentley said...

Since people are indoctrinated by a trusted parent or a religious official, then it will take that same trusted parent or a religious official to denounce and unbrainwash the very same people and that's not likely to happen anytime soon, especially when alot of those same parents or religious officials are now deceased. So sad :(

Vynette said...

Perhaps many people confuse Churchianity with Christianity. It is the false doctrines of the christian churches that have given religion such a bad name. The New Testament does not claim that Jesus of Nazareth was anything other than a normal man born in normal circumstances. Virgin Birth, Trinity and Divinity are all products of the Graeco-Roman church fathers, not of the Hebrew christianity of the apostles.

Why not get rid of all this nonsense first, then we may be able to discuss just what the notion of God really is?

boomSLANG said...

Why not get rid of all this nonsense first, then we may be able to discuss just what the notion of God really is?

'Seems before we can discuss anything you'd need to make your mind whether Jesus was a "normal man", or a "God".

Mel said...

Love George Carlin. He is the father of religious satire.
He makes the complicated seem so uncomplicated and silly. I am sure he has probably deprogrammed more than a few minds over the span of his life and career.

I agree with Leonard...I think he does resembles the appearance of God found in early European art.

Mel said...

"It is the false doctrines of the christian churches that have given religion such a bad name"

In my opinion, it is the tyrannical nature of the alleged Christian/Jewish God, along with the irrational concepts behind the teachings of the entire Bible itself, that give both of these religions a bad reputation.

To go one further...religion is limited (at this time) to being nothing more than a superstitious concept of the human imagination. I think that's why it causes self-doubt, inner fear, anxiety and depression in its adherants and followers.

That alone would cause us to be conflicted with the natural state in which we live, but it often starts off as a seed of confusion and proliferates into full blown religious paranoia.

Religion has never been clearly defined and understood. It claims to have benefits for those being obedient to it's teachings, but that claim is especially questionable.

If 80% of the world considers itself to be "religious", then why is there no proof positive of these miracles and great transformations to be found here on Earth? Why is mankind in such sad shape if most people think of themselves as religious?

The variety of beliefs that have been invented over time should tell us something; religion is unreliable. People kept trying to change it and adapt it to fit the atmosphere of their culture and society, but it never really brought about real solutions.
It had to change to survive.

Religion is universally indescernable in our realm of existence. It is not equally the same for everyone, everywhere. The only thing the have in common is the requirement of having faith in the unseen and unknown.

Passing Through said...

America the Christain Nation, the worlds bright and shinning star for all the world to see.

We set the example of a religious and Godly righteous nation, with 40 million abortions each year or more, teenage pregnancy, murder-suicides, killings, preachers and priests molesting little children every day, the ones that get reported, we have alcohol and beer sales in every store and supermarket and gas station, yet we are not to drink and drive...lol we have drug users and meth labs everywhere, we have homeless people living in cardboard boxes, we have school shootings, we have a milkman killing 13 year old girls execution style, we have break-ins in our homes and cars constantly, we used to leave our doors unlocked 30 years ago, we have road rage and random shootings, we have senators that molest little children and have killed others, but are still in office, we go to other countries and kill them and tell them how wonderful we are and then some of the soldiers rape and kill the native people there.

Yet our Bible God is the best one there is. Why? Because we say it is!!!

Yes I'm proud to be a God-fearing American citizen, I'm just glad there is not Satan that is in charge. We would never get any sleep then.

Is it any wonder the Islamic Nations say we are of the devil?

Vynette said...

Boomslang,

The New Testament claims that Jesus was a normal man in every respect. Not God, nor part thereof.

The only real postulation of the entire Bible is that there is an intelligent being outside of our experience. All the rest is made up of humans trying to come to terms with that concept and discover the nature of this external being.

Can't-find-God said...

Pleeeze,Pleeeze don't even try to find anything that resembles a Supreme Being in ANY of the Abrahamic cults!!!!
There is nothing----diddley squat to be gotten out of the "babble". It does not need to be disected or ripped apart. There is nothing there people!!!! Jebus was just a ten a penny dude hanging around at the time spouting that he was God. Can we get over this for once and for all.!!!! We need to look elsewhere for fuck sake.!!!

boomSLANG said...

The only real postulation of the entire Bible is that there is an intelligent being outside of our experience.

I must've missed that verse. Could you point it out to me? This is not because if the bible says it, then it is definitely so, but just to satisfy my curiousity. Anyway, the first thing I see wrong with it, if there is such a specific verse, is if there is something "outside of our experience", how would anyone know this, to be able to write about it? 'Seems contradictory.

Thackerie said...

Vynette: "The New Testament does not claim that Jesus of Nazareth was anything other than a normal man born in normal circumstances."

Really got me curious. What version of the bible are you referring to? Every version of the NT I ever read was chocked full of stuff about Jesus being the son of god and god incarnate at the same time.

jim earl said...

George Carlin has always been my favorite comedian. Carlin goes where most fear to tread.

I'm with Thackerie on Vynette's comments. I grew up in the church and they taught straight from the bilebull that Jesus was and is "god". That's why it's called Christianity, for Christ's sake!! Jesus himself, according to the new testament, claimed to be god, as in the verse that claims he said that he and the father were one, and that no man comethe to the father except thru him. Most of Christianity believes and promotes this nonsense lock, stock and barrel. I have never heard anyone questioning the validity of Jesus in church.

I don't believe it's a question of what the bilebull teaches, but a question of what the bilebull says that is true and reliable. Very little in MHO. Of course, most people take the bilebull for what it says, without question.

freedy said...

Christians ,from my experience are some of the most ignorant and uneducated of all peoples.
They refuse recently discovered knowledge on biblical times and continue to use the babble as their primary source.
I no longer have any respect for them,and consider them to be intellectual and spiritual infants at best.
George Carlin is doing an awesome job exposing these mental midgets for what they truly are!

Vynette said...

Thackerie

The New Testament writers recorded that Jesus of Nazareth was born out of wedlock. The Graeco-Roman church 'fathers' had no psychological stomach for this perceived embarrassment.

They were also ignorant of Hebrew modes of thinking and expression, in particular the New Testament term 'son of God' when used in reference to Jesus of Nazareth.

This ignorance, together with a predilection for their own national religions, facilitated the creation of 'Jesus Christ', a new god-man, born of a virgin, fashioned according to their image, their likeness, their values, and their delusions of grandeur.

Out of the necessity to explain away the birth of Jesus was born the entire doctrinal structure of Christendom.

Compare and contrast this doctrinal image of Jesus with what the New Testament actually states about the same person:

he was God's 'anointed' who would one day sit on the throne of David and rule over the Kingdom of God on earth;

he was 'born of the seed of David according to the flesh' and therefore entitled to this position;

he was 'anointed' with full power and authority to speak and act in the name of YHVH;

he was a 'god' in the Hebrew sense that all who received the 'word' were themselves 'gods' or 'exalted' ones.

The New Testament writers did not try to hide the truth about the 'humble' birth of Jesus.
Matthew provides a genealogy to demonstrate the Jesus was not the son of Joseph (for a very compelling reason) while Luke's genealogy provides the name of Jesus' biological father to prove his descent from King David.

Note that I am only arguing about what the written record states, not about its veracity or otherwise.

Sammy said...

That's very interesting Vynette. Can you supply a link or a book for reference from what you wrote? Thanks, Sammy

boomSLANG said...

Nazarene Jesus, Hebrew Jesus, Jamaican Jesus, Kentucky Jesus---I still don't see how any of that conclusively leads to "an intelligent being outside of our experience." I reckon there's a Nobel prize waiting if it can be verified, though.

south2003 said...

"Matthew provides a genealogy to demonstrate the Jesus was not the son of Joseph (for a very compelling reason) while Luke's genealogy provides the name of Jesus' biological father to prove his descent from King David."

Blah, Blah, Blah, yada, yada, yada....

Soon we'll be schooled about: Did Herod died before or after? who was the first at the tomb, how many angels and on and on and on.

It feels like Abott and Castello - who's on first, whats on second and they on third. geeezze!!

If this jesus character ever lived, he is sure enough dead..that's it!

The End!

Vynette said...

Sammy,

In 1952, in Australia, E.P.Wixted wrote a book entitled "The Race is Run". The evidence presented in this book totally demolished the major Christian church doctrines. As far as I know, I have the sole remaining copy in existence. This is why I began my own blog, The Race is Run, to reproduce the contents of that book and also to incorporate the numerous pamphlets written by him subsequently.

Boomslang,

The writers of the Bible started out with a belief in a creator. They then attempted to explain man's relationship with this creator. Naturally enough, their ideas evolved over time. From the concept of a warrior god of the Hebrews only who lived on a mountain and had to be carried around in a box to keep him with them, to the New Testament's ultimate expression of a universal god of love for all peoples.

Then, just as now, some believe, some don't. That is immaterial. If there is a god, belief or otherwise won't change the fact. Besides, belief in a god can only ever stem from individual perception or experience.

Notwithstanding the above, and whether or not I believe in an intelligent external being, it is the validity, or otherwise, of what I say here that should be challenged or addressed.

boomSLANG said...

Last try.

vynette: The only real postulation of the entire Bible is that there is an intelligent being outside of our experience.

Boomslang > I must've missed that verse. Could you point it out to me? This is not because if the bible says it, then it is definitely so, but just to satisfy my curiousity. Anyway, the first thing I see wrong with it, if there is such a specific verse, is if there is something 'outside of our experience', how would anyone know this, to be able to write about it? 'Seems contradictory.

Vynette said...

Boomslang

Haven't I answered this in my last comment? Perhaps I should have qualified 'experience'. What I meant was direct knowledge or observation - 'physical' experience. How can there be a single verse? The proposition that there is a god is the theme of the entire Bible.

boomSLANG said...

I guess I haven't been clear enough, as well. 'Sorry.

Your words, verbatim:

>"The only real postulation of the entire Bible is that there is an intelligent being outside of our experience."

Where I take issue: "...IS an intelligent being OUTSIDE of our EXPERIENCE."

Broken down: "God", not Nazarene Jesus, or any other "Jesus", but "God"..i.e.."intellegent being".."is"..i.e.."affirmed to be" in the positive, "outside" of our(thus, your) "experience".

This "God" is "outside" of our/your experience, yet, you just claimed "direct knowledge or observation - 'physical' experience" in your prior post. Vynette, that's not "outside" our experience, that's inside our experience---because our experience IS a physical experience. That means that there would be "direct" objective-physical-evidence of said "being" available in our physical reality, since we are all physical beings living in a natural and physical universe. The bible isn't "physical" evidence, nor are personal testimonies "evidence". Hell, Muslims "experience" Muhammad all the time. Little kids "experience" invisible friends.

Also, the holy book you refer to doesn't "postulate", it makes direct claims. I asked you where it said, specifically, that "God is outside of our experience", since people in the bible claim to have had the very same "physical experience" that you claim, all the while, you're stating that "God" is OUTSIDE of "our" experience because the Christian bible "postulates" this, when it's a contradicting concept to begin with. That's why I asked.

Square circles don't exist.

Vynette said...

Boomslang

I really don't see where we are at odds here. I never said that the Bible is physical evidence for the existence of god. Nor did I say that personal testimonies are evidence for the existence of a god.

What I said was that the fundamental premise - postulate - for the entire bible is the existence of a god.

Sure, the individual writers make claims about their experiences - sometimes physical, sometimes 'spiritual' - but these claims do not 'conclusively' lead to the existence of a god. They are just testimonies of persons who proceeded on the premise that a god existed.

Are you saying that because we are physical beings living in a physical universe then everything must be inside our experience? That it is impossible to conceive of anything outside or external to subjective physical experience?

I'm not sure of your intent.

boomSLANG said...

Are you saying that because we are physical beings living in a physical universe then everything must be inside our experience?

LOL! For the love of Jebus, Vynette!--I'm merely saying that if something, in this case an "intellegent being"(your quote) is "outside of our experience"(your quote)---regardless of whose hypothesis it is---then said "being" CANNOT be experienced precisely BECAUSE it IS outside of the realm of experience. Outside, outside, outside, outside..i.e "beyond".."not part of".."not inclusive". And then, I was asking for a verse or verses in which the redactors of the bible say that this "being" is "outside of our experience", since YOU say that's what the bible "postulates".

Why not get rid of all this nonsense first, then we may be able to discuss just what the notion of God really is?

What "God"? Which "notion"? There's THOUSANDS of different "notions" of what "God" is..... all claiming to be the right notion. THAT'S the "nonsense". It's all subjective.

Look, if you "dont get" any of what I'm inquiring about, then no biggie, we can drop it---unless....unless maybe someone else can explain just what it is you're getting at. Maybe we need a Templar Knight to be an intermediary? lol