The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

by Tyrone Williams (aka Checkmate)

The Bible is a book of vile trash. From cover to cover, Old Testament and New, from the mouths of Moses, Jesus or Paul, the “word of God” is an “inspired” mish-mash of instructions and commandments that promote MURDER, GENOCIDE, RAPE, ABORTION, INFANTICIDE, SLAVERY, HATRED, MISOGYNY, MANIFEST DESTINY, CONQUEST, INTOLERANCE, RACISM, BIGOTRY, CLASSISM, IGNORANCE, GULLIBILITY, SELF-MUTILATION, THE BELIEF IN MAGIC and just about every IMMORAL and HEINOUS DEPRAVITY a sick mind can imagine. And there is not one HONEST person, who has read the Bible, who can deny this fact.

However, I am being told by the Liberal Christian (Liberal, in this case, meaning any Christian who ISN’T a Fundamentalist.) that I need to ignore all these “bad” things, and simply focus on the “good”. Yes, the Liberal agrees, the Bible is guilty of having a few “blemishes,” but why not simply throw out these “aberrations” and focus instead on the “good moral teachings/lessons” we can learn from the Bible?

“Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water,” the Deluded Liberal will advise us. That sounds SO magnanimous and wise, doesn’t it? What a lovely compromise. Keep the good and get rid of the bad.

Well, I have a few problems with applying this specious “logic” and this trite cliché to something so influential as the Bible.

First off, this Holy Bible is SUPPOSED to be the “word of God.” An “inspired” tome from the mind and office of the Supreme Being. And you would think that something from “God” would be “good”. In other words, there shouldn’t BE anything “bad” to “throw out.” Admitting that there IS something “bad” to be avoided and discarded is an admission that this Bible is NOT inspired. It has not been vetted and proofread by the office of the Supreme Being. It is wholly a book of narrow-minded and ignorant goat herders who didn’t know their anus from a hole in the ground. Why should I labor to sift through their mess in the hopes of finding a “pearl” or two?

Secondly, who decides what is “good” and what is “bad”? Evil men, looking to validate their behavior, will view as “good” all commandments to murder the enemies of “God”, enslave races, steal property, subjugate women and discriminate against “God’s enemies” (gays, atheists, pagans, etc.). Everything becomes relative and excusable. We are once again left with individuals determining “morality” and “ethics” for themselves, while placing the blame for their behavior on “God”. It is precisely this “Buffet Style”, pick-and-choose methodology that has given rise to persecution, bloodshed and the 40,000 distinct Christian denominations world-wide. All of whom claiming to be the ONLY ones holding to the “truth of God’s Word.”

Third, the Deluded Liberal Christian is assuming facts NOT in evidence. That being the unproven assumption that there IS something “good” (the “baby”) in the Bible (the filthy bath water). Aside from the inherent flaw of determining what is in fact “good”, I grow weary of people trying to convince me that this “Jesus” was a great moral teacher and that his words and ways are to be emulated and revered as noble.

Such teachings as...

Telling people to love their enemies, while telling them to hate their families? Is that “good”? Telling people to accept abuse and a beating from evil people, thus short-circuiting your “GOD”-given survival instinct? Is that “good”? Telling people to go into poverty, abandon their familial responsibilities and follow “Jesus” the cult leader into a life of sacrifice and death? Is that “good”? Telling people to mutilate themselves for having “lustful” (and again “God”-given) thoughts? Is that “good”? TERRORIZING people by telling them they must follow and believe in him, even though he speaks in riddles thus making it impossible to believe in him, or else his “Father” (who is also “Jesus”?) will cast you into the Lake of Fire for an eternal torment? Is that “good”?

Of course not. THESE are clearly examples of “bad bath water” to be thrown out. Which only brings me back to my first two complaints. If this “Jesus” is supposed to be this brilliant, moral paragon of virtue, then WHY do we find him spouting such INSANE drivel that any rational person would cast aside? One moment he has flashes of brilliance (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. A “Golden Rule” common to MOST cultures BEFORE “Jesus” came along, by the way.) and the next moment this “Jesus” devolves into madness by telling people to gouge out their eyes and cut off their hands as punishment for lewd thoughts. WTF?

According to the Gospel accounts, even the "Virgin Mary", Jesus' siblings and John the Baptist had their doubts about his veracity and sanity. It seems to me that even the “Baby Jesus” needs to be chucked out, too!

This cliché about babies and bath water is not applicable. It assumes that there is something inherently “good” to be preserved, when no such thing has been proven. A more accurate analogy is that of a man rooting around in pig crap in the hopes of finding some food to eat. And personally, I wouldn’t be the one to EAT that food, even if you did manage to find it.

Allow me to take a page from the Christian’s Play Book, and use one of their own fables that they tell around the pulpit. It’s the story of the “Poo-Poo Brownies.” This hackneyed saw is used by Christians to demonstrate that even a LITTLE bit of sin should NEVER be tolerated.

The story goes: One day, in a loving Christian home, the children ask their mother if they could watch a certain TV show. The mother is against the idea, since the show is laced with violence, profanity and nudity. Not very “Christian”. But the children beg their mother, saying that there wasn’t THAT much violence, profanity and nudity. Just a little bit. Surely not enough to harm them and their walk with “Jesus”. The mother thought a bit about this and then said, “Alright, you can watch that show. And I’ll even make you some Special Brownies to eat while you watch.” The children were overjoyed.

Later, just before the show was to air, the mother had finished baking the Special Brownies. When she offered them to her children, they asked her what made these brownies so “special”? The mother then told them that she added a unique ingredient to the mix — a tablespoon of dog poop! Immediately the children recoiled from the brownies in disgust, refusing to eat them.

When the mother asked them why they refused to eat the Poo-Poo Brownies, they answered, “They have dog poo in them! That’s disgusting!”

“Well,” mom answered, “it’s only a LITTLE dog poop. Not a lot. You probably won't even taste it. And it's surely not enough to hurt you or make you sick.”

“How do you know that, Mom?! We think even a little bit of dog poop is bad!”

The Mother smiled. “Exactly right. Just as even a LITTLE bit of SIN from that TV show is bad.” And the light dawned in their little minds, as they saw the wisdom of the mother and her Poo-Poo Brownies. After that they decided not to watch the TV show after all.

Christians simply LOVE that story. I do, too, but for my own “sinister” purposes. Let’s change the object of the story from a naughty TV show, to the vile and objectionable Bible. Look at the feculent ingredients that went into making it.

Do you REALLY think it’s wise to “eat” this “word of God” with all this feces smeared upon it’s pages? Look how sick it has made the human race thus far. The moral of the “Poo-Poo Brownies” is that even a LITTLE bit of crap shouldn’t be acceptable. I say the same rule should be applied to the Bible. Why should our minds be less protected than our stomachs? Why is it considered wisdom to protect ourselves from "bad" TV, while simultaneously exposing ourselves to this horrid, horror story from "God"? Why is the "PG-13" rated "Harry Potter" counted as "evil", while the "R" rated snuff film "The Passion of the Christ" and the holy book that inspired it are considered "family entertainment"?

Our government has forced the tobacco companies to place warning labels on their product, telling people that they could die from smoking. The FDA and EPA enforce health and safety regulations making the producers of consumables warn their consumers of any and all potential health risks associated with their products. The Bible should be equipped with similar warning signs.

“Danger! Literal belief in this book is dangerous to your health! Contents may conflict with reality, decency and common sense. Parental Advisory: Contains scenes of violence, sex and immorality, not suitable for children. For entertainment purposes ONLY. Rated NC-17.”

I wonder how many people would buy a “Holy Bible” then? Would it still be the world’s number one seller? Would parents feel comfortable allowing their children access to such a thing if they knew what was in it? Probably so. People are stupid that way. After all, I don’t see much of a drop in sales for cigarettes, alcohol and cocaine.

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