Physics for fundies

By Patrick

I was thinking back to my university days and specifically to the difficulties I had with physics. I chose a scientific discipline as my course of study and this required one to have a good foundation in mathematics, especially algebra and calculus. Not having ever been an "A" student in either, this made the mandatory courses in physics rather difficult. I began to wonder what physics would have been like at a fundie Evangelical university (Nazarene University in Syracuse, Oral Roberts etc) and I began to laugh. I designed a few questions for Introductory Fundie Physics. I would have achieved an A+ in this course in my Xtian days.

    1. Bubba casts a 0.2 kg stone at the skull of a non believer. Bubba is 8 metres from the non believer and the stone is cast from Bubba' s hand at a distance of 1.71 metres above the ground, at a velocity of 16 m/s and at an angle of 51 degrees from the horizontal. At what velocity and with how much force does the stone contact the non believer's skull?

           a) 5 m/s and 900 Newtons

           b) Whatever velocity and force is required to kill the non believer as God will accelerate the stone in flight and ensure it finds its target.

           c) Satan will protect the non believer and it will miss

           d) none of the above

Correct Answer: b

    2. An object dropped from a height in a vacuum will accelerate due to gravity at a rate of:

           a) 9.81 m/s/s

           b) 2.78 m/s/s

           c) Whatever rate satisfies God

           d) It will not accelerate at all if God feels there should be no gravity at that moment

Correct answer: c or d

    3. A Catholic is decorating their Christmas tree and places a false idol lighted Virgin Mary on the tree, instead of a figure of our true Saviour, Jesus Christ. The circuit has a potential of 125 volts, a current of 5 Amperes, and a resistance of 25 Ohms. There is a break in the insulation of one wire and a short to ground occurs while the heretic Catholic is touching it. Resistance in the circuit now decreases to 0.02 Ohms. What amount of lethal excruciating current does this unsaved Catholic receive in Amperes? Show all calculations.

Answer: 250 Amperes


Anonymous said...

and you were a PHYSICS major?????

Anonymous said...

Thats a pretty immature distingusting lampoon of Christians. I have never known such filth be desired from a Christian.
Is this a case of create your own depraved caracature strawmen? You aren't advancing the cause of atheism, it comes across as fundamentalist and hateful. Not

Anonymous said...

Bwahahaha!! Good one. I wish university physics was this easy, otherwise I would have graduated with distinction :P

RSM said...

Patrick, that does not come across as realistic. For two years I was in an MA class with an Oral Roberts graduate and she had a decent education. She was very sharp and asked good stimulating questions. I doubt you would do any better in their physics courses than you did where you studied. One thing fundamentalists are good at is practical hands-on stuff *such as physics.* Why? THEY NEED IT TO PROVE THE BIBLE CORRECT.

If you want to poke fun at the fundies you might want to pick a point you can actually defend.

Anonymous said...

Jesus annoy! First, it was a joke. Second, are you telling us that you are a Christian naturalist? Doubt it. A Christian MUST AT LEAST ENTERTAIN the possibility of such divine intervention. As far as never knowing such filth to be desired by a Christian, I remember vividly from my Christian days several retellings of the demise of this or that unbeliever/blasphemer/heretic via like suspension of natural laws. This isn’t a caricature; Patrick has just rhetorically stripped the sugar off the bullshit of supernaturalism to been seen as it is. Hell, what strikes me most about the original post is just how biblical the possibilities are. Yep, religion is just that silly. Now, come back here and deny the POSSIBILITY that God would do such a thing. I dare ya. Because, if you do, you're operating on the same premises as us dirty little naturalists.

Anonymous said...


Thanks for a good laugh.

To a non-believer, Christianity is just another form of superstition, like believing that black cats are bad luck, but woe unto him who tries to point this out to a fundie.

I’ve heard claims that there are lots of research scientists who are Christian and who presumably believe that gods interfere with the laws of nature from time to time. However, I’ve never seen any published research that lists gods’ intervention as a possible source of experimental error. If they believe it, they aren’t saying so in their research and they are committing intellectual fraud by not including this important exception to their work.

It’s more likely that they don’t really believe what they say they believe.

SEO said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SEO said...

Anony #2. Are you Kidding? This is the very science that Sherri Shepherd of The View subscribes to.

Anonymous said...

Anony #2, you sound angry, now just go and turn the other cheek and let me smack it, and while you are at it, carry my load for 2 miles instead of just one, and forgive us 70 times 7....

Larry said...

Thanks for the laugh Patrick,
Some of the people on here need to lighten up and relax some.

eel_shepherd said...

Hey early anonymice, how did the light from distant stars get here in time, if the world is only 6,000 years old?

Anonymous said...

Most christians don't think God has a sense of humor. According to them he walks around with a cob stuck up his ass.

AtheistToothFairy said...

eel_shepherd wrote:
Hey early anonymice, how did the light from distant stars get here in time, if the world is only 6,000 years old?

As hard as it is to believe that the fundies could come up with an answer for this, believe it, they have indeed.
When they could no longer deny that we have stars/galaxies further away than 6000 light-years distance, they had to conjure up some explanation.
Are you sitting down for their answer?

They now say that while god did create stars so far away that their normal light would not have reached the earth yet, god fixed that problem by creating each star's light-waves close enough to earth so that it would APPEAR to be coming from those distant stars.

Okay, are you done laughing yet?
So let's ponder this strange excuse for a second.

That means for every one of those distant stars, this god had to create a duplicate, but nearer, source of *continuous* light.

Perhaps by creating a 'ghost' star that would not only line up exactly with the true distant star, but would itself be invisible to our telescopes.

So that means that when we look at very distant galaxies through our telescopes (or other electronic sensors for wavelengths other than visible light) what appears to be the light coming directly from that galaxy, is really the 'picture' of that galaxy as contained within the 'ghost' light source instead.

To put it another way, god creates these distant stars who's light would not have arrived on earth yet, so god runs over to all these stars, grabs a handful of "star-beams" and fly's to a closer proximity of our earth and then releases those light beams so they will travel towards earth and let's us only imagine we are seeing the true light from that distant star(s).

Does it all sound confusing and impossible.
Well of course it does!!

First off, why would god need to create such a fantastically HUGE universe, with stars and galaxies so distant from us.
Okay, but for some reason this god did just that.

OH OH, but now he done-did-it.

He created a problem by doing that, cause we never would notice them out there if their light isn't due to arrive on earth for a long time yet.
So just so we could take notice of god's grand creation of far away stars, he grabs those star beams and hunkers them closer to earth, just so we would be fooled by them.

Wouldn't it make far more sense if god exists, and wanted such a huge universe to boot, that he would just let nature take it's course when it comes to whatever stars were visible to us in any given century.

Do you see the type of mental gymnastics these fundies must go through in order to pretend their bible is the literal word of god's creation.

Come on you fundie xtians, can you tell us why god went through all this trouble to make stars so far away, and for what human purpose they would serve and why god would take a star that is only something like 6000 years old and make it SEEM to be many more thousands of light years away from us?

Just more evidence here that the universe makes far more sense with the bible god removed from the equations of reality.

Oh, the other excuse I've heard, is that the speed of light has changed in the last 6000 years.
Meaning, photons used to move much much faster than they do presently...hahah.

ATF (who also wonders why YOUNG 6000 year old stars would be already turning into supernova's and black holes etc. ?)

eel_shepherd said...

Thanks for the warn... er, I mean, update on Fundie Astrofizzix 101. Kind of lends new meaning to the old Perry Como song, "Catch A Falling Star And Put It In Your Pocket", doesn't it?

What are these same people going to think up if it turns out that there really are "gravity lenses"? Gravity lenses, for those who might be hearing the term for the first time, are massive celestial objects whose gravitational pull is so strong as to bend light coming from distant stars and galaxies so that we may, in fact, be seeing more light-emitting objects in the sky than actually exist. i.e. some of what we're seeing might just be "copies" of other things that we're also seeing directly in another location. God's probably thinking to himself that the next time he creates a universe, he's gonna set a limit on the maximum mass that any object gets to have. Save on all the later legwork for himself, while at the same time making his minions' cover stories a bit more streamlined here on Earth.

Anonymous said...

eel_shepherd wrote:
"Hey early anonymice, how did the light from distant stars get here in time, if the world is only 6,000 years old?"

Maybe God traveled back in time, and changed the time line a bit. Maybe that is how the light got here in time.

Chuck Darwin said...

Hey anon and rs martin: first, get the sticks out of your ass and lighten up. Second, I was not a physics major but one who had to take several courses as a requirement of my degree. Third, I know a lot of Baptists who do believe that the answers on this test are true. Don't like it, too bad. Go pray to your invisible friend and keep your mind closed to all but what your preacher tells you to think about.

Anonymous said...

I am an old earth creationist so I imagine the light from stars got here by over time.
Also I don't have a preacher to fill my 'closed mind'

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