Countermeasures: Dealing with fundy-in-laws
By exfundy
Story #1
My wife and I threw a birthday party for our daughter's 14th birthday. We specifically designed the birthday party as a cook-out because we didn't want loads of kids running through our house. We wanted our nephew (Nick) and niece (Kristy) who are 5 and 2 respectively to be there because at this point they are still just kids and they adore my daughters. This of course meant their parents, the fanatical fundy-in-laws (John and Jane), would be in attendance.
As everyone arrived we were very clear that the only reason to go into the house was for a trip straight to the bathroom and back. We told John, Jane and their kids twice just to make sure. About thirty minutes into the party Nick asked Jane if he could go in and watch TV. Noticing that I was standing nearby she said no and told him to go play.
A few minutes later Nick ran to Jane and told her he was tired and he really wanted to go in and watch TV. This time Jane was unaware that I was standing behind her. Thinking no one would hear her she told Nick to quietly go upstairs to my daughters room and to make sure he kept the volume down. She of course also gave him instructions on what channel to watch as he was not allowed to watch many things. She also told him to go to the bathroom first and wash his hands before touching anything.
I slipped inside the house without being noticed while Nick was in the bathroom. I picked up the TV remote in my daughters room and looked at the guide. On the local PBS station there was a show all about evolution scheduled to start in 5 minutes time. I set the DVR to record the episode. I hid in a room across the hall and watched my nephew go into the room. He turned the TV on to whatever station he had been instructed. Sure enough a couple of minutes later the station turned all on its own because it was set to record NOVA. Nick never thought twice about it.
About an hour later Nick came out of the house just as I expected. What happened next though was better than I could have imagined. Nick ran straight to Jane and started telling her something. I was too far away to hear the words, but he was very animated.
As Jane listened to her son a look of horror slowly spread over her face. When she had heard all her fundy brain could handle words literally exploded from her. Everyone looked as Jane shrieked, "Nick, that is a lie straight from the pits of hell. God made everything. That wasn't on the channel I told you to watch. Why didn't you watch the station I told you to watch?"
Sensing it was time for me to step in I ran over and went into action. Of course I feigned complete ignorance of the whole thing. I asked Nick which room he was in while he was watching TV. He told me. I immediately explained to Jane that I had set a show about evolution to tape up in my daughters room. I even told her I did it specifically because I knew she wouldn't want one of her kids to see it and I was afraid one of her kids may stop and turn on the TV downstairs during a trip to the bathroom.
Jane was fuming. I think she knew that she had been had and was irate over it. Before she had a chance to react I had one more thing to say to Nick. I asked him why he was in the house watching TV when I had told him and his mom that he wasn't supposed to do that.
I'm pretty sure Jane was praying her god strike me dead that very moment as Nick quickly informed me that his mommy had told him it was OK to go in and watch TV. I looked at Jane and told her I thought we had made it abundantly clear that no one was to be inside for any reason other than to use the bathroom.
Jane hollered for John and Kristy. After John and Jane had a quick whispered exchange they determined it was time to leave even though no cake had been eaten and no presents opened.
I can't be sure, but it seems like the party got much better after they left. I know it did for me.
By the way, before any one tells me that tricking the fanatic fundies kid into watching a show about evolution is no better than the way christians do things allow me to say something. This story does not give you any indication of the extreme amount of disrespect these people have shown me. They have no respect for me at all. Not even in my own home. They must really think that my non-belief entitles them to completely ignore and disregard my rules in my home. My purpose was not to convert their son. Jane is the one that came to our house and blatantly disregarded our rules. Her son should have never been in the house watching TV in the first place. If she had the simple decency to respect us it never would have been an issue. But this is an ongoing and long standing problem. As long as the fanatical fundy-in-laws continue to act this way in my home I will continue to take their disrespect and use it to turn the tables on them and make them the ones that are upset and uncomfortable.
Story #2
My fundy-in-laws have a habit of taking extreme advantage of any kindness shown to them. Let them borrow something and your lucky if you ever see it again. I'm sure you know people like that and can imagine many of the other things they do. However, the one they are absolutely the worst about is when someone agrees to watch their kids.
The first couple of times they asked my wife and I to watch their kids we told them before agreeing what time they had to be back to pick them up. Yet both times they showed up far later than the time they agreed upon. My wife was ready to tell her own sister that she would never again babysit for her. However, I had a bit of a countermeasure brewing inside my brain. So I told my wife to wait and give it one more chance because the next time I would make them seriously regret doing it.
Just a few days later we got another request to watch their kids. We agreed. My wife and I were both adamant as to what time they must be back to pick up their kids. We even told them they would regret it if they didn't show up in time. They didn't like it at all. They tried to explain that they were attending some type of church event and they would have to leave earlier than they wanted to leave. They even tried to convince us it would be sinful of us to not allow them to stay for the whole event because they were doing something for god. Any other time a statement like that would have been cause for me to throw them all out of the house immediately telling them to find another babysitter. That wouldn't have allowed me to carry out my plan though. So instead I just said, "Then god should have known that and supplied a different babysitter." They finally told us they agreed to our terms. Though I knew they had no intention to actually follow through.
Nick and Kristy love playing with our dog since their parents won't let them have one. Not too long after they showed up both kids were on their hands and knees playing with the dog. I was counting on it. I snapped a picture of both of them in that exact position. I immediately took the picture and uploaded it to the computer and with a little bit of Photoshop, Nick and Krista were not on the floor playing with the dogs, instead they were both on their hands and knees locked into dog kennels. The pictures were ready if I had to use them, and I was pretty sure I would. My wife even asked if I would print separate pictures of the kids, the kennel, and the Photoshopped image out onto a single sheet of paper. I wasn't sure why she wanted it, but I obliged.
Of course the agreed upon time came and went without so much as a phone call from the fundy-in-laws. I'm sure in their mind attending a church event was a righteous and godly thing so it was OK to break their promise to us. Just to be nice we tried to call them. We got the result we expected. They didn't answer their phone. They ignored our calls. That is what they had done both the other times. Sporting a huge smile I set my plan into action. I took the Photoshopped picture and transferred it back to my phone. I sent a text to both John and Jane. It said: 'Had to go. Key under mat in back. Kids can't get into any trouble.' I attached the kids in the kennel picture and hit send.
Within 15 seconds both my wife and I were receiving phone calls from John and Jane. We followed their example and ignored their calls. We got text messages from both threatening to call the police. I wasn't really worried about it. I had all the original pictures to prove there were actually no children locked into kennels.
A few minutes later we heard a car come to a screeching stop in front of our house. Within moments the back door was open and John and Jane both came running into our house as fast as they possibly could. When they saw their kids playing a game on the Wii and not locked into dog kennels they realized we had played them like puppets.
It was obvious that both John and Jane were really pissed and wanted to say something. I could have sworn I saw steam coming from their ears. But both knew they had no legitimate argument. They had broken their promise to us and we had called them out on it. My wife however did have something to say. She stood up and handed Jane the paper with the three pictures. In a very calm voice my wife said, "I want you to keep this picture as a reminder. A reminder of the last time I will ever babysit for you because I won't allow you to use my kindness to take advantage of us anymore. Now, take your kids and leave my house."
At that moment I'm sure the Cheshire cat would have been extremely jealous of the huge smile on my face. I couldn't have been more proud of my wife at that moment. Nor could I have been any more thrilled to see the look of complete and utter defeat present in John and Janes' expressions and body language.
That has been over two years ago and we have kept our word. We have not babysit for them again. They won't even ask us unless they are completely desperate. As a matter of fact Jane was so desperate a few weeks back she called me and asked if I would watch her kids. Asking me specifically is a very rare event indeed. What did I say? I barked twice and hung up.
Story #1
My wife and I threw a birthday party for our daughter's 14th birthday. We specifically designed the birthday party as a cook-out because we didn't want loads of kids running through our house. We wanted our nephew (Nick) and niece (Kristy) who are 5 and 2 respectively to be there because at this point they are still just kids and they adore my daughters. This of course meant their parents, the fanatical fundy-in-laws (John and Jane), would be in attendance.
As everyone arrived we were very clear that the only reason to go into the house was for a trip straight to the bathroom and back. We told John, Jane and their kids twice just to make sure. About thirty minutes into the party Nick asked Jane if he could go in and watch TV. Noticing that I was standing nearby she said no and told him to go play.
A few minutes later Nick ran to Jane and told her he was tired and he really wanted to go in and watch TV. This time Jane was unaware that I was standing behind her. Thinking no one would hear her she told Nick to quietly go upstairs to my daughters room and to make sure he kept the volume down. She of course also gave him instructions on what channel to watch as he was not allowed to watch many things. She also told him to go to the bathroom first and wash his hands before touching anything.
I slipped inside the house without being noticed while Nick was in the bathroom. I picked up the TV remote in my daughters room and looked at the guide. On the local PBS station there was a show all about evolution scheduled to start in 5 minutes time. I set the DVR to record the episode. I hid in a room across the hall and watched my nephew go into the room. He turned the TV on to whatever station he had been instructed. Sure enough a couple of minutes later the station turned all on its own because it was set to record NOVA. Nick never thought twice about it.
About an hour later Nick came out of the house just as I expected. What happened next though was better than I could have imagined. Nick ran straight to Jane and started telling her something. I was too far away to hear the words, but he was very animated.
As Jane listened to her son a look of horror slowly spread over her face. When she had heard all her fundy brain could handle words literally exploded from her. Everyone looked as Jane shrieked, "Nick, that is a lie straight from the pits of hell. God made everything. That wasn't on the channel I told you to watch. Why didn't you watch the station I told you to watch?"
Sensing it was time for me to step in I ran over and went into action. Of course I feigned complete ignorance of the whole thing. I asked Nick which room he was in while he was watching TV. He told me. I immediately explained to Jane that I had set a show about evolution to tape up in my daughters room. I even told her I did it specifically because I knew she wouldn't want one of her kids to see it and I was afraid one of her kids may stop and turn on the TV downstairs during a trip to the bathroom.
Jane was fuming. I think she knew that she had been had and was irate over it. Before she had a chance to react I had one more thing to say to Nick. I asked him why he was in the house watching TV when I had told him and his mom that he wasn't supposed to do that.
I'm pretty sure Jane was praying her god strike me dead that very moment as Nick quickly informed me that his mommy had told him it was OK to go in and watch TV. I looked at Jane and told her I thought we had made it abundantly clear that no one was to be inside for any reason other than to use the bathroom.
Jane hollered for John and Kristy. After John and Jane had a quick whispered exchange they determined it was time to leave even though no cake had been eaten and no presents opened.
I can't be sure, but it seems like the party got much better after they left. I know it did for me.
By the way, before any one tells me that tricking the fanatic fundies kid into watching a show about evolution is no better than the way christians do things allow me to say something. This story does not give you any indication of the extreme amount of disrespect these people have shown me. They have no respect for me at all. Not even in my own home. They must really think that my non-belief entitles them to completely ignore and disregard my rules in my home. My purpose was not to convert their son. Jane is the one that came to our house and blatantly disregarded our rules. Her son should have never been in the house watching TV in the first place. If she had the simple decency to respect us it never would have been an issue. But this is an ongoing and long standing problem. As long as the fanatical fundy-in-laws continue to act this way in my home I will continue to take their disrespect and use it to turn the tables on them and make them the ones that are upset and uncomfortable.
Story #2
My fundy-in-laws have a habit of taking extreme advantage of any kindness shown to them. Let them borrow something and your lucky if you ever see it again. I'm sure you know people like that and can imagine many of the other things they do. However, the one they are absolutely the worst about is when someone agrees to watch their kids.
The first couple of times they asked my wife and I to watch their kids we told them before agreeing what time they had to be back to pick them up. Yet both times they showed up far later than the time they agreed upon. My wife was ready to tell her own sister that she would never again babysit for her. However, I had a bit of a countermeasure brewing inside my brain. So I told my wife to wait and give it one more chance because the next time I would make them seriously regret doing it.
Just a few days later we got another request to watch their kids. We agreed. My wife and I were both adamant as to what time they must be back to pick up their kids. We even told them they would regret it if they didn't show up in time. They didn't like it at all. They tried to explain that they were attending some type of church event and they would have to leave earlier than they wanted to leave. They even tried to convince us it would be sinful of us to not allow them to stay for the whole event because they were doing something for god. Any other time a statement like that would have been cause for me to throw them all out of the house immediately telling them to find another babysitter. That wouldn't have allowed me to carry out my plan though. So instead I just said, "Then god should have known that and supplied a different babysitter." They finally told us they agreed to our terms. Though I knew they had no intention to actually follow through.
Nick and Kristy love playing with our dog since their parents won't let them have one. Not too long after they showed up both kids were on their hands and knees playing with the dog. I was counting on it. I snapped a picture of both of them in that exact position. I immediately took the picture and uploaded it to the computer and with a little bit of Photoshop, Nick and Krista were not on the floor playing with the dogs, instead they were both on their hands and knees locked into dog kennels. The pictures were ready if I had to use them, and I was pretty sure I would. My wife even asked if I would print separate pictures of the kids, the kennel, and the Photoshopped image out onto a single sheet of paper. I wasn't sure why she wanted it, but I obliged.
Of course the agreed upon time came and went without so much as a phone call from the fundy-in-laws. I'm sure in their mind attending a church event was a righteous and godly thing so it was OK to break their promise to us. Just to be nice we tried to call them. We got the result we expected. They didn't answer their phone. They ignored our calls. That is what they had done both the other times. Sporting a huge smile I set my plan into action. I took the Photoshopped picture and transferred it back to my phone. I sent a text to both John and Jane. It said: 'Had to go. Key under mat in back. Kids can't get into any trouble.' I attached the kids in the kennel picture and hit send.
Within 15 seconds both my wife and I were receiving phone calls from John and Jane. We followed their example and ignored their calls. We got text messages from both threatening to call the police. I wasn't really worried about it. I had all the original pictures to prove there were actually no children locked into kennels.
A few minutes later we heard a car come to a screeching stop in front of our house. Within moments the back door was open and John and Jane both came running into our house as fast as they possibly could. When they saw their kids playing a game on the Wii and not locked into dog kennels they realized we had played them like puppets.
It was obvious that both John and Jane were really pissed and wanted to say something. I could have sworn I saw steam coming from their ears. But both knew they had no legitimate argument. They had broken their promise to us and we had called them out on it. My wife however did have something to say. She stood up and handed Jane the paper with the three pictures. In a very calm voice my wife said, "I want you to keep this picture as a reminder. A reminder of the last time I will ever babysit for you because I won't allow you to use my kindness to take advantage of us anymore. Now, take your kids and leave my house."
At that moment I'm sure the Cheshire cat would have been extremely jealous of the huge smile on my face. I couldn't have been more proud of my wife at that moment. Nor could I have been any more thrilled to see the look of complete and utter defeat present in John and Janes' expressions and body language.
That has been over two years ago and we have kept our word. We have not babysit for them again. They won't even ask us unless they are completely desperate. As a matter of fact Jane was so desperate a few weeks back she called me and asked if I would watch her kids. Asking me specifically is a very rare event indeed. What did I say? I barked twice and hung up.
Comments
They must really think that my non-belief entitles them to completely ignore and disregard my rules in my home.
That is precisely what they think. They're God's chosen; it's entirely about them. It's a belief system that attracts the most narcissistic, yet at the same time the most broken personalities in our culture.
My purpose was not to convert their son.
Why not? And why don't these people just spring for a baby sitter instead of exposing their kids to you hell-bound heathens, then fuming about it afterward? Is it because they know that neither their friends nor any professional babysitter would put up with their nonsense?
And how freaking stupid does one have to be to think you'd actually put the kids in dog crates? You're much better off without these people, although I'm sure the kids would benefit from knowing you. My suggestion - go back to babysitting, then take them to museums, watch documentaries with them, etc. Expose them to as much of the wider reality as you can. When the parents find out, they won't ask you to babysit any more, but the kids will have had some exposure to objective reality, and perhaps you'll have planted the seeds of their eventual awakening. It has the potential to be a win-win.
And I just spewed coffee all over the place. I absolutely love your sense of humor and the way you and your wife are dealing with your fundy-fiend in-laws. As the commercial says, "Priceless!"
Thank you for sharing these stories with us. I'll be chuckling all day.
BP
Great idea. Although I understand and admire exfundy's countermeasures, I did find myself feeling sorry for the kids. With parents like John and Jane, those poor kids don't have much of a chance.
Maybe that will change in the future. I must confess that I really love your ideas though. I would love to take them to museums and such. It is something to think about for when they are a little older and could understand what they are seeing and hearing.
Classic stories! Thanks for posting those. The dog kennel photo belongs in the prankster hall of fame.
On a lighter note: Glad you like the stories. Maybe more to come at a later date.
It also leads to the question - why, when they have so little regard for you, are they so eager to have you babysit? Are they that unwilling to spend a few bucks on a sitter, or do they care so little about the kids' welfare? You may want to ask them.
I believe they love their kids, but they most definitely view them as weights around their necks.
Priceless!
It reminded me of my fundy mother. She was babysitting for a friend's grandson one week (while they had to be out of town). This was back in the 1970s and men's hair styles were longer. Of course in the church world long hair meant 'sin' so mom took the poor kid to the barber shop and had the barber give him a good ol' 'christian cut'.
My mom and her friend almost broke their friendship over that one! My mom has real 'balls' when it comes to pleasing god (really pleasing her).
Thanks for the laughs!
XPD
--Brent
Well said.
Well said.
I'm proud of your ingenuity, George Hayduke (author of: The Complete Book of Dirty Tricks, Don't Get Mad, Get Even, and other related titles) has nothing on you. I loved your previous tale of putting TBS on password protection on your tv's remote control. You have unique talents and creativity, please keep these stories coming.
A good example of possibly being more harmful is an elderly or sick person about to die and they truly believe there is an afterlife. Whatever their concept of an afterlife maybe, could be giving them comfort in their last days. To take that away from them might be very disturbing to them and set them mentally off balance in their dying days.
As Picard said in TNG's "Up the Long Ladder" to Riker inquired in response to Picard's laughter, "Of all the reactions that's not the one I expected."
PICARD; "Number One, there are times in life when you have to simply bow to the absurd."
By the same token, bringing backwards, superstitious, and primitive thinking to modern times takes an awful LOT of tack in order to avoid BIG problems.
Why do I relate this particular episode, in particularly the Bringloidi, to Xian thinking? Many Xians are primitive in thought and sometimes in their ways, as well as and esp. absurd.
Yes, I have a double standard here. Screw it; it's funny.
The first story is even better bc it directly sabotages the in-laws' religion.
I really didn't realize that people like that existed, I thought they were only in American movies!
Here in Australia I've never heard of people like that and hope that I never get to meet any!
Love the stories. Well done!
I think most of us would put extreme bible fundamentalists into similar category of "mentally disconnected from reality" so no harm in helping out a little here and there if you can.
As many of us x-xtians know, it was really just a few courageous people that dared to open our eyes long enough to get us moving in the right direction. (Although in my case I'm embarrassed to say it took decades for it to all come together). I actually got to enjoy a personal conversation with The Amazing Randi one evening. He didn't bother trying to convert me to atheism, rather he simple engaged my mind into seeing how men create illusions by redirecting another's mind.
I didn't reject the Dark Empire's Bible 'til many years later , but that one conversation did have a very important effect on my ability to even consider thinking outside the bars of Bible prison.
So good for you exfundy. That one TV show, or maybe the clips of the Hubble Telescope on youtube or something that is not directly confrontational may give them the key to step out of the Bible-cage their parents want to keep them locked in.
As one of my sisters was descending into extreme biblical fundamentalism, I gave her kids a big box of magic tricks, with the secret agenda of hoping the children would learn the art of misdirection so they might one day see how it is used on them.
Remember Jim & Tammy Bakker and the original PTL Club?
I remember the day that Jim came on the live T.V. broadcast (1980s) and praised God for the 'Special Blessing' that he had received that afternoon. Later, we discovered Jim was referring to his afternoon with Jessica Hahn, his 18 year old office worker (and virgin at the time) that he had drugged and raped that day.
He was so warped that he actually believed it was a gift from God!
"Oh, thank you Lord for allowing me to experience what you did with virgin Mary. You know Tammy is old and worn out; besides she looks like a clown! Praise Jesus!"
Your point is well taken!
XPD
swabby
but for me I am far to laid back and would need prompting from my wife if they decided to leave their kids over indefinitly.
You sir, are brilliant.
When I read example #2 to my fundy husband, I was laughing so hard I actually started snorting ! He too found this unbelievably funny, and couldnt help laughing at the ingeniousness of your plan.
I too have observed the casual attitude some fundies have with the commitments they make with actual people. It seems that whatever "God" wants them to do, trumps everything else, even common respect and courtesy for others.
Kudos to you and your wife for taking a clear stand against this nonsense and maintaining your personal boundaries. I loved the caveat of you barking into the phone when she asked one too many times for you to babysit again.
Sharon
Please read this, take a couple of chill pills, and leave us alone.
I laughed as much this time as I did when you first posted this article. Didn't you write a couple with the same basic theme? Absolutely hilarious!
When I read example #2 to my fundy husband, I was laughing so hard I actually started snorting ! He too found this unbelievably funny, and couldnt help laughing at the ingeniousness of your plan.
I too have observed the casual attitude some fundies have with the commitments they make with actual people. It seems that whatever "God" wants them to do, trumps everything else, even common respect and courtesy for others.
Kudos to you and your wife for taking a clear stand against this nonsense and maintaining your personal boundaries. I loved the caveat of you barking into the phone when she asked one too many times for you to babysit again.
Sharon
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