You're Kidding Me... Right?

by Astreja

It invariably comes as a bit of a shock to our Christian visitors when their words of wisdom are accorded a less-than-civil reception.

Sometimes a zealous teenager swings by to warn us that we'd better straighten up and fly right, lest we be seized by demons and dragged off to an eternal all-expenses-paid vacation in a Very Hot Place.

Or we're set upon by a gushy but seemingly well-meaning woman who assures us that we just practiced the wrong *version* of Christianity, and please keep looking for the True Church™ (Oh, and by the way, it's a ree-lay-shun-ship, not a religion).

Another fairly common theme is the man who sees "miracles" in everything, and honestly believes that his unverifiable personal testimony is sufficient to convince total strangers over the Internet.

And then there are folks who:
  • Think that wars, earthquakes and other common calamities are proof of "End Times";
  • Can't or won't imagine a non-supernatural explanation for Life, the Universe and Everything;
  • Classify all non-believers with a handful of the many 20th Century tyrants but distance themselves from the likes of Constantine, Torquemada, various not-so-Innocent popes, Charlemagne, Olaf Tryggvason, Columbus, the Puritans, Cromwell, Catherine de Medici, John Calvin, Richard the Lion-Hearted... Pinochet, Franco, Charles Taylor, Jim Jones... and the countless co-religionists who enabled their barbarism;
  • Don't know what the word "theory" actually means in a scientific context, but insist that an ancient book contains The Truth;
  • Insist that the spilling of one particular individual's blood somehow "purifies" people, but only if those people agree that the spilt blood is a wonderful gift that they don't actually deserve;
  • Or are obsessed with bananas.
Okay, listen up, all of you.

We. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Like. You.

You are not the droids we're looking for. You are not exhibiting traits that we want to emulate. Rather, you personify many damaging behaviours and beliefs that we've already discarded.

We are EX-Christians. Any faith we may have once possessed is not merely tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk... It is bereft of life, and pushing up the daisies. Yea verily, what part of "EX" dost thou not understand?


mothpete said...

Great post.

Enthusiastic teenagers that put all their energy into trying to convert others into their new found delusions. It's so sad that they can wasting this part of their lives. I fell into Christianity at 17 and it took 16 years to see it for what it was.

mothpete said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ryan said...

Hi, and just a few words to back up a great post.

I become infuriated with these little dopes who talk to us as though we have never been to church; never read the bible; never prayed; never read a book. They talk to us as though we were just arrived from the jungles of the Amazon, naked and stinking, with raw meat on our breath. And then they proceed to preach and tell us about jesus and say "why don't you try jesus? You have never tried jesus, that's your problem."

My favorite little dopes are the ones who tell us that we have not searched hard enough for the answers. This, of course, is a subtle variation of "xrist is the answer". Now if xrist is the answer,
why must we search for the "answer"?

No matter what we say; no matter what our story is; no matter what we have endured; no matter what we have suffered, they will re-define xristianity to put us in the wrong.

To all you little dopes who may read this: if your god was real, he would have come to the aid of a poor hurting teenage boy. He had his faults; he didn't have perfect faith; he liked girls; he smoked; he masturbated. But he reached out as best he could. And found nothing.

And in the name of whatever gods you worship, please read the posts and testimonies before you yourselves post. We are not ignorant of your religion. We have heard it; we have been there; done that. It doesn't work. Hear me? It doesn't work.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post!! I found myself laughing out loud. I love this "It's not a religion, it's a relationship" crap; can you say, "equivocation?"

Also, I was picturing an old-fashioned black and white TV ad (someone with those skills should do this) with the announcer extolling, "Try Jesus™! Jesus is preferred two to one over the other brands of saviours!"

Unknown said...

What a great little trinket of information to share with our Christian posters. I loved it !!!!

ryan said...

About this nonsense about "relationship". This goes back to when I was coming of age during the 'sixties. It was cool to talk about your lover as your "relationship". One might say, for example, "I have a new relationship" or "My relationship has ended".

At about the same time, there was a social curiosity that got the name "jesus freaks". They resembled hippies, outwardly, and used hippie jargon mixed with what sounded like evangelical xristianity. They had a "relationship with jesus".

'scuse me while I regain control of my stomach.

I defy anyone to show that the use of the word "relationship" as a euphemism for "religion" can be found before 1965. It is an equivocation(thank you chucky)and is easily seen through. And whoever comes in here to challenge me on this, be ready to answer the following: if I die without this relationship, do I go to hell? If your answer is yes, then you have a religion. Call it as you wish; talk like a hippie; talk like a jesus freak, you still have the same sorry, tired shit that we were all raised with.

Stephen_Richard_Webb said...

My father...who is a north eastern fundamental baptist bible school zealot, and his "flock" of mislead bretheren continuously call their christianity "a way of life" and absolutely dispise the word religion. Religion simply means to do something of significance over and over again because it holds a special meaning for an individual. So I say to my dad - you continuously go between house and church, and then I remind him that this behaviour is called acting religiously, and he always replies - "It's not a religion, its a way of life..." -talk about ignorance, the fundies go so far as to eliminate or change the very meanings of words and their applications to suit their own ideals...whats next? I think they'll take an assault on the system of mathematics and try making 2+2=10...maybe that way, if they change the self-evident science of math, they will find an algorithm that proves that the world is only 5,000 years old...LOL

ryan said...

Stephen, in the years I am talking about, the phrase "life-style" was also in vogue. The aforementioned little jesus-freaks would blither about their "life-style".

This has been going on since the days of that cheap swindler called St Paul. He made a flimsy attempt to convince his naive converts that his religion, or his relationship, or his life-style, was somehow new and different. We do not follow the law; we live in liberty, and bullshitbullshitbullshit. Well, you don't canonize 27 more books of the bible to give people liberty. Do we want liberty? Then let's take our bibles and wipe our asses with them and flush them into the sewer.

Jim Arvo said...

Astreja, great post! I will be directing some of our unwitting visitors to it.

mentalguru said...

Embarrasing as it is. I used to be one of those 'little dopes'. I became cn at 14 and started to be one o those people a year later when it became apparent I couldn't handle face-to-face preaching. Yep from the ages of 15-17 I was an 'e-preacher' practically. I was one of those 'dump into a conversation with the good news then run like the wind' kind of people. (I couldn't handle debates)


It is really shaming looking back. I only stopped at 17 when I became sort of backslidden and disillusioned with it all. I was 19 when I left for good...

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to all I may have met on the net during those days I wasted both my time and yours...



ryan said...

guru, let me share a little with you. I was a dope until the age of 30. I did not have the balls to think for myself. When I think back on those terrible days I can hardly hold my head up.

This might be overly dramatic, but I know what it must be to be raped. To continue the analogy, you have to be a masochist to be a xristian.

Emanuel Goldstein said...

Does anyone know why PROMETHEUS books has delayed publication of the Loftus book?

twincats said...

Super excellent post! It belongs in the "Introductory Stuff" for sure!

mentalguru and others who have a past of preaching; I (and I'm sure most of the rest of us here) rejoice that you were able to end your "relationship" with jesus and walk away from your xtian "lifestyle" or "way of life" or whatever you may have called it.

Always great to hear from all of you!

Bill B said...

You did leave out Pascal's Wager in your little note to the Christians. This is the favorite tool of the more lukewarm Christian. I've had few of my friends who are not very devout say, "Bill why not just believe because if you are wrong, you have lost nothing bla bla bla bla."

Then of course I proceed to blast Pascal's Wager full of holes leaving them sorry they ever mentioned it.


freethinker05 said...

Great post Astreja; I hate it when religions of all types
think it's "their knowledge" and man-made books that we don't (ALREADY) understand to be bullshit, that will convert us.
Ain't going to happen, because all religions are bullshit.


Telmi said...

Excellent post, Astreja.

I have specially saved it for use as a reference.

Angela said...

Life, the Universe and Everything.


First thing I thought of :-)

Astreja said...

Angela: "42... First thing I thought of."

Well, some of the OT books *do* sound like they were composed by Vogons... ;-)

leotracks said...

One certainly needs a babble fish to understand all the bullshit!

Jayson said...

I was one of the teenagers who did that...then, when I became a youth pastor, I encouraged them to do the same. It is sad...very sad.

I really did waste much of my life. If it were not for religion, I would have finished my degree and be teaching in the public schools now...instead, I got religious degrees that mean nothing to me now!

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