Brother Jeff in 2008!

Bless the Lard! I am pleased to announce that the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him has magically inspired me to enter the race for President of the United States! Glory!

I am running as an independent candidate. I represent not the Republicans or the Democrats or even the Libertarians - but the One who Croaked in the Spook and Magically Undeadened Himself for us all! I represent KRYASST, and I pledge to do what must be done to restore our nation to the greatness it enjoyed when the Lard and His Word were revered in this country. As your future president, I rest my campaign upon the following Twenty Promises:

  1. If elected, I will restore mandatory prayer in our public schools. Our children will start their mornings off right with a humble prayer of thanksgiving before Alrighty Gawd acknowledging His Lardship, followed by the Pledge of Allegiance with the words “UNDER GAWD” clearly stressed.
  2. If elected, I pledge that no child will be left spiritually behind. Every child will have the opportunity to hear and respond to the Gospel and receive spiritual counseling, and they will receive a free KJV Bible, courtesy of the new Federal Bible Program, which will be funded through taxes levied against Atheists.
  3. Creation Science will be given its rightful place in our public schools, and the teaching of the Satanic Doctrine of Evilution shall cease, with the exception of courses designed by Creation Scientists to expose the many flaws of that Atheist religion.
  4. If elected, I pledge to see Biblical Justice implemented in this nation. Homosexuals, adulterers, and disobedient children shall be publicly stoned to death just as the Lard commands.
  5. Anyone who dishonors the Holy Farter and works on the Sabbath or dares even to pick up sticks on that Holy Day shall be put to death.
  6. Anyone who angers Kryasst by wearing sinful fabrics shall be put to death.
  7. Anyone who teaches the Satanic Doctrine of Evilution shall be put to death.
  8. Anyone who takes the Lard’s Name in vain shall be put to death.
  9. Anyone who blasphemes the Holy Spook shall be put to death and forever damned to Our Lard’s loving Lake of Fire.
  10. Witches and sorcerers shall be put to death.
  11. Anyone who worships a false god - which is really an evil spook - shall be put to death.
  12. Atheists who refuse to convert shall be put to death, as they are immoral and an offense to Gawd and not fit to be citizens of our Christian nation.
  13. Anyone who teaches the cosmological heresies that are married with the Satanic Doctrine of Evilution and denies the smallness of our universe or the flatness of our world or the solidness of Our Lard’s great starry firmament shall be put to death.
  14. The mentally ill (demoniacs) and those seized by fits shall be put to death, as they have been infested by evil spooks.
  15. Anyone who masturbates shall be put to death.
  16. Anyone engaging in sex before marriage (which, by definition, is between one woman and one man) shall be put to death.
  17. Any married woman who fails to properly submit to her husband as the Lard commands shall be put to death.
  18. Anyone who marries a divorced woman shall be put to death, as they will have committed adultery.
  19. Any woman who dares to speak in church shall be put to death.
  20. Any man who angers Kryasst with his sinfully long hair shall be put to death.

Furthermore, if elected, I pledge to integrate Church and State and form the glorious Christian theocracy that our Christian founding fathers clearly envisioned. Glory!

Pageviews this week: