Brother Jeff in 2008!

Bless the Lard! I am pleased to announce that the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him has magically inspired me to enter the race for President of the United States! Glory!

I am running as an independent candidate. I represent not the Republicans or the Democrats or even the Libertarians - but the One who Croaked in the Spook and Magically Undeadened Himself for us all! I represent KRYASST, and I pledge to do what must be done to restore our nation to the greatness it enjoyed when the Lard and His Word were revered in this country. As your future president, I rest my campaign upon the following Twenty Promises:

  1. If elected, I will restore mandatory prayer in our public schools. Our children will start their mornings off right with a humble prayer of thanksgiving before Alrighty Gawd acknowledging His Lardship, followed by the Pledge of Allegiance with the words “UNDER GAWD” clearly stressed.
  2. If elected, I pledge that no child will be left spiritually behind. Every child will have the opportunity to hear and respond to the Gospel and receive spiritual counseling, and they will receive a free KJV Bible, courtesy of the new Federal Bible Program, which will be funded through taxes levied against Atheists.
  3. Creation Science will be given its rightful place in our public schools, and the teaching of the Satanic Doctrine of Evilution shall cease, with the exception of courses designed by Creation Scientists to expose the many flaws of that Atheist religion.
  4. If elected, I pledge to see Biblical Justice implemented in this nation. Homosexuals, adulterers, and disobedient children shall be publicly stoned to death just as the Lard commands.
  5. Anyone who dishonors the Holy Farter and works on the Sabbath or dares even to pick up sticks on that Holy Day shall be put to death.
  6. Anyone who angers Kryasst by wearing sinful fabrics shall be put to death.
  7. Anyone who teaches the Satanic Doctrine of Evilution shall be put to death.
  8. Anyone who takes the Lard’s Name in vain shall be put to death.
  9. Anyone who blasphemes the Holy Spook shall be put to death and forever damned to Our Lard’s loving Lake of Fire.
  10. Witches and sorcerers shall be put to death.
  11. Anyone who worships a false god - which is really an evil spook - shall be put to death.
  12. Atheists who refuse to convert shall be put to death, as they are immoral and an offense to Gawd and not fit to be citizens of our Christian nation.
  13. Anyone who teaches the cosmological heresies that are married with the Satanic Doctrine of Evilution and denies the smallness of our universe or the flatness of our world or the solidness of Our Lard’s great starry firmament shall be put to death.
  14. The mentally ill (demoniacs) and those seized by fits shall be put to death, as they have been infested by evil spooks.
  15. Anyone who masturbates shall be put to death.
  16. Anyone engaging in sex before marriage (which, by definition, is between one woman and one man) shall be put to death.
  17. Any married woman who fails to properly submit to her husband as the Lard commands shall be put to death.
  18. Anyone who marries a divorced woman shall be put to death, as they will have committed adultery.
  19. Any woman who dares to speak in church shall be put to death.
  20. Any man who angers Kryasst with his sinfully long hair shall be put to death.

Furthermore, if elected, I pledge to integrate Church and State and form the glorious Christian theocracy that our Christian founding fathers clearly envisioned. Glory!


Anonymous said...


SpaceMonk said...

The mad king!

Anonymous said...

OMG! I'm in LOVE!

Marry Me in the name of our Lard Kryasst!

Unknown said...

Very funny! Or it would be, if it weren't *exactly* what the Dominionists are trying to do (minus the disparaging language, of course).

Anonymous said...

Brother Pat of has agreed to be my Vyasst President. Glory!

Anonymous said...

Amen, Sister Eris!

You shall be the First Lady of our Christian nation! Glory!

Anonymous said...

This is so sad :-(

I prey that you are kidding!!!!

What you need my friend is a relationship with goid, not a spirtiual relationship, but a physical relationship with him, of course this would make you out to be a openly flagrant homosexual, but would it not be better to be a homo than to burn forever in the lake of unconditional love (fire)?

I think you also forgot to mention that you would promise to declare war on all nations that do not adhere to the teachings of the buybull and kill them instantly.

Also you forgot to mention to take up a collection from all the believers in his precious name to show their love towards him.

You will also needing a fleet of cadilacs.

I will be preying fort you, that goad will lead you and bless your heart and give you the wisdom that you need to become the next lunatic to lead this country.

In his precious blessed oily name this I prey...apeman and apeman

Cousin Ricky said...

Tempting Poe’s Law again, i see—with an electric cattle prod! :-)

Anonymous said...

Hail to da cheef
In da holey name of Jebus
Who magic-lly flies
In da power of da Spook!
Hail Brother Jeff
Our anointed Kryasstian Leader
Ruling the nation with
the One Holey Book!

Anonymous said...

Paaaaraaaaaise ! Glory to Gosh on high!

Brother Jeff you need something special for those who will be doing the hard laborious dirty work of slashing and hacking and ripping babies out the mother’s womb as the God of Mo’ass commands. In Numbers 31, Mo’ass tells us that God says

17Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.

18But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

So every loser that can’t actually develop himself to be worthy of woman’s love and respect now doesn’t have bother with nonsense like showering regularly or brushing his teeth (tooth) or exercising and who the heck has time to read books on relationships anyway. I figure after a hard day of following the example of Mo’ass, I just want to come home and have my hot new young sex slave do my bidding. I suppose I’ll feel a little awkward about having to have killed her family members but, hey , it’s right there in the Holy Bible.
Now you know Mo’ass is right because God gave him the Ten Commandments so you know he is God’s chosen really, really, REALLY special chosen person.
So if you could add free sex slaves ( or maybe call them submissive servants if that sound kinder and gentler) to your vision , I’m sure that will get a few more votes.

If this post troubles you, Google: bible is repulsive

Anonymous said...

Dear Brother Jeff,
You get my vote. However, I take exception to your irreverent reference to the magical three persons of the Trinity. It should be Heavenly Farter (Holy Farter is the guy with the big hat in the Vatican); the Holy Goat, (Mary didn't really have sex with a ghost, did she? See what a little ancient typo can do? BTW, after having sex with a goat, can she still be consdered a virgin?); and Cheesy Crust (There's been something cheesy about that guy from the beginning. Besides, pizza's good.) Geezus Crutch is ok, too. (You'd be walking around on crutches for a while too if you got nailed up like him.)
Where can I vote?

Anonymous said...


Don't forget about me, Kush!!!

Anonymous said...

Brother Jeff, you left out the shellfish eaters. They are an abomination to the Lard. They must be stoned as well. Jim Earl

Anonymous said...

...with that platform, you'll carry Alabama for sure!

NightFlight said...

I will support you in the churches and the tabernacles, Bro. Jeff!

If you like, I will be your Minister!

Andre Linoge

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