Flapjacks for Flo

By Flo

What I'm about to tell you will sound unbelievable and I doubt many of you will believe me but when you witness a miracle from God you have to tell somebody.

My name is Florence but most of my friends call me Flo. My husband and I had just divorced due to irreconcilable differences - doctrinal differences, that is. He was the pastor of a small church. The divorce was nothing compared to the things that had happened during the previous years. I had come home early one afternoon to find my husband molesting our nine-year-old daughter in the living room. At first he was apologetic and told me it would never happen again but then he became threatening and said if I told anyone he would make things very bad for me. I never told anyone.

Perhaps I should have. A few years after the incident, my daughter committed suicide. This was before the divorce and I wonder to this day if he had broken his promise. I never said anything about it to anyone and it doesn't matter now because my husband is also dead. He was only 53. I'm 49 with no brothers or sisters and both parents also dead.

Throughout it all I prayed to God, asking him for help in bearing such a burden. I questioned God, too. I already had my doubts whether Christianity was true or not. Looking back it seemed that God was not interested in answering my prayers.

Recently, I had been studying the Bible from a doubters perspective. I never really studied the Bible before. I just relied on my husband to tell me what I needed to know. I had lost so much in life and was about to lose my faith in God as well. I became desperate and asked God if he was really there, give me an undeniable sign so that I will know he's there.

The next morning I felt strangely better. It was a Saturday so I slept late - later than I wanted to but maybe the extra sleep did me good. I went into the kitchen to make some flapjacks. I got out some bacon and opening the cabinet where I keep the flapjack mix, I saw that I was out of luck. That good feeling just turned sour and I went outside into my backyard to cry. Just as I rounded the corner of the house, I saw something in the yard. Not one thing but several things. At first I thought they were mushrooms. But then it all became clear. My prayer last night. The missing flapjack mix. I walked closer to get a better look. I then began to cry as I had originally planned but not from depression or sorry but from pure joy.

These weren’t mushrooms. I saw five beautiful flapjacks floating just above the grass! All my doubts vanished.

God had provided a sign - and breakfast to boot! There were five flapjacks and I pondered the significance of the number. If he had provided six flapjacks that may have been too many, not to mention that six is the imperfect number of man (I remembered that from one of my husband’s sermons). If he had provided four, that may have been too few and we all know that God provides just what we need right when we need it. It was the perfect number of flapjacks.

God also provided a way to keep them off the ground by supporting each one with its own pedestal. It reminded me of the story in the Bible were God provided mannah to the Israelites. The size of each flapjack was perfect. Roughly seven inches across.

I walked over to the first one and with a shaky hand plucked it from its support. It was a very light tan color but almost white in the bright morning sun, soft and supple just like a good flapjack should be. To my surprise, it felt rather cold. But I didn’t question God because He wasn’t the one who got up late. They probably would have been hot if I had gotten up on time. I gathered the other four and went inside for a breakfast I would never forget.

Once I had all the rest prepared, I sat down and could not keep from crying immediately. God had answered me in spades and I would never doubt again. I gave thanks for what he had truly provided and ate. Now, the flapjacks were a bit bland but who was I to question God’s cooking after he had given me such a wondrous sign? Besides, it was probably all that crying I had done that affected my sense of taste.

As I said, most of you won't believe me but I did take a photograph of these flapjacks as proof that God does answer prayer and he really does exist. I believe now that God wants to give each of us a sign to seal our faith so we can live for him without doubts and my prayer is that each of you would ask God for your own special miracle. Ask him today and expect nothing less than a miracle!

"Flapjacks for Flo" was written by Tim Simmons.


mothpete said...

Truly, there is a god. What a trip.

Anonymous said...

What a trip, indeed. I understand "magic mushrooms" will do that to you.

However, I think it would really be a miracle if god got off his ass and flipped some flapjacks to the thousands of children all over the world dying from starvation. But, I guess that's just too much to expect from an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving diety.

Tim said...

Yeah, I just wrote it as sort of a short story and I got the idea from those mushrooms that sprouted up in my yard. They really did look like pancakes on sticks. hehe I like the idea that Flo "snapped" and saw what she wanted to see. Pretty typical, actually although mostly not that crazy. hehehehe

Yeah, gawd, can you send down some relief to the suffering? Gawd? Hello?

He must be busy working in mysterious ways.


SpaceMonk said...

Mmmm, flapjacks, ghhaaa...

Anonymous said...

Whoa, haha, for a moment there I thought the post was written in all seriousness. But after reading about so many absurd supernatural Christian miracles out there, I wouldn't be surprised.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't be surprised if fundies start spamming the e-mail of their friends, relatives, and co-workers (and anyone else who has the misfortune of being in a fundy's address book) with this "true" testimonial to a miracle.

Well written, Tim.

Anonymous said...

Good writing, Tim. I must say you have talent.

Anonymous said...

That's great. Thanks for posting it. :)

Anonymous said...

I notice that God forgot to provide the butter and maple syrup.

Flo must not have prayed hard enough, or she forgot to give her 10 percent last Sunday.

That's why she got no butter or maple syrup.

Anonymous said...

I am going to submit this to snopes urban legends.

Aspentroll said...


I hope you didn't eat any of those mushrooms. Well I guess you didn't or you wouldn't have been able to post this great story.

I expanded the pic and they look like amanita muscaria
which are very poisonous like
most of the amanita family.

Well, there is the biology lesson for the day.

Tim said...

Thanks, everyone. No, I didn't even touch them. They are currently wilting and rotting in the yard. My dog doesn't seem to care about them either. There was 10 actually but of course you have to lie to write fiction, right?

Yeah, I tried not to make Flo sound too articulate.


Anonymous said...

Hey Tim,

Too bad the mushrooms are poisonous.

Flo might have at least been able to say that God provided the mushrooms so she could put them on a pizza.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the wonderful story. I'm going to send it to the people on my fundy email list and see how they react. They're constanly sending me preachy emails. I used to just take it lying down, but I've decided to start fighting back.
John Johnson, Beijing

Anonymous said...

LOL -- my wife hates mushrooms. It would have been a sign to her that god hates her!

Anonymous said...

Those aren't Amanita muscaria. . .a. muscaria is mycorrhizal, that is it requires a living tree to act as a symbiont.

They also have bright red caps (most varieties) and don't grow in circles like this.

They might be Chlorophyllum molybdites, but unless you took a print, I'm not sure.

Nice story, btw. . . I too expect to get this sent to me by my more religious relatives.

Anonymous said...

Don't you just love people who send all of their christian propoganda to ya?

It seems folks like that have nothing else better to do with their time, but preach the "So Called" good news about Jesus, and how this whole world is damned.

One guy who I use to go to church with use to send me christian crap all of the time, after he discovered that I walked away from the faith.

Well, I started sending him Anti-Christian stuff and he was horrified by some of the stuff that I started sending him.

He finally quit sending me his christian propaganda after I started fighting back. He claimed that it looks like I have left his world, and there is nothing else he can do to help me. He finally admitted his defeat, and has not bothered me since.

Maybe if some of you start doing the same, these fundies will back off.

Don't let these assholes manipulate you with their christian garbage. Stand up to them, or they will continue to shove their christian crap down your throats.


Unknown said...

Flo, I am very sorry for the pain you have endured in the death of your daughter.
As one has said here, God should be able to feed the starving peoples of this world, but I am glad you have found some peace.

Anonymous said...

I hope Flo found some Maple Syrup and Butter too.

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