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6/19/2007                                                                                       View Comments

How to choose a god in 5 easy steps

By Bob A

Choosing a god is a very important and difficult task as there are so many to choose from. Picking the wrong god could result in eternal damnation and fire. Can you take that chance? I thought not... Let's get started...

1. Assemble a complete list of all the gods ever worshipped. Many of these are well documented, so the task shouldn't be too difficult. Google GOD. I'd estimate somewhere in the neighborhood of 10,000 gods, not counting all those minor ones. This should be easily achieved in a few days or weeks. If any of those pesky JW's knock on the door, just ignore them. Ask the boss for some time off , if necessary, and tell him what you're doing. I'm sure he/she will understand.

2: List all the attributes associated with these gods. Some are maniacal punishing thugs, gods of hate, fire and all manor of brutality and damnation, eliminate these types, we'll just stick with loving and rewarding gods. This may be somewhat more difficult than step one, but remember, the reward will be worth it. Don't be influenced by the god your parents chose, they could be wrong, too. Lets keep it fair and honest. It may be necessary to hire a few unemployed scribes to help for a few months, but what the hell, er heck.

3. Having once assembled all the good gods, the list may still be unmanageably long, so eliminate those whose names you cannot pronounce or spellings that seem weird and unreasonable. A real god should be easy to pronounce. I'm suspicious of gods whose heads and bodies are from differing species too, but who knows? This should bring the list to a few hundred or perhaps a thousand.

4. To be fair, put the list in alphabetical order.(This will put Athena towards the top, she's my favorite, anyway).

5. Pray to the first god for 10 minutes, If he/she's listening this should be enough time and then wait for 24 hours. If nothing good happens, move on to the next god and repeat the process. In a year or two, you should have narrowed the field to a mere handful at which time you again repeat the process keeping only those deities who seemed to show promise. The real god should show repeatability. Scratch all the others. By now you should have determined which god to keep and which to eliminate. I'm confident the real god will appreciate all your effort and determination, at least, he should. Having successfully determined the real god, ask him for the winning lotto numbers just to make life a little easier.

If none of this seems to work, you can give up and become a heathen atheist, at least forgoing all that guilt and fear and with the 10% tithing money you save, you can buy a good book or one of those new electronic gadgets. I assume all the gods have the same 10% service charge..?

By the way, if you think this seems silly, perhaps you'd do well to step back and review your god. Can any god look less silly than any other god? I think not.

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4 comments:

Joe said...

I think the current administration is already ahead of you on this one. Having sorted through the pack, they seem to have settled on Mars. Wanted a war and he delivered one.

Anonymous said...

Very nice! Sums it up!
This would make a great email chain letter.

Noell

webmdave said...

My guess is that you are serious, so I applaud your openness and passion. Strangely, when reading this posting, I found myself wanting to read more, so I will. For what it is worth, here are some thoughts I had in response to your five points.
1. Thank you for acknowledging that there are a lot of gods. Some have been invented by humans, one however has a very intriguing pre-history, history.
2. Thank you for recognizing that each of these gods have attributes. One god has been called the GOD among gods, who primary attribute is love, whose compassion is from everlasting to everlasting, whose name is beginning to end and also ever present. Who by the way, is not very happy with religion and religious systems.
3. Thank you for promoting the counsel to go with the gods who have human, not animal faces.
4. Athena is all right, Sophia is better. All the wisdom, none of the warfare.
5. Have you considered that prayer is not so much about asking for stuff, but more about relationship and conversation?
One more thing, did you know that tithing is about food to be shared, food to be eaten, and all about celebration and merriment? It is not as it has been promoted, a tax to be paid to your religion or religious system.
Once again, thanks for your posting.

webmdave said...

"1. Thank you for acknowledging that there are a lot of gods. Some have been invented by humans, one however has a very intriguing pre-history, history."

That distinction, however, in no way proves that this "one" wasn't *also* invented by humans.

"2. Thank you for recognizing that each of these gods have attributes. One god has been called the GOD among gods, who primary attribute is love, whose compassion is from everlasting to everlasting, whose name is beginning to end and also ever present. Who by the way, is not very happy with religion and religious systems."

But this notion that "one god has been called the GOD among gods" in no way proves that said "GOD" actually exists. Also, if the primary attribute of this one "GOD" is "love", then this being wouldn't do things like drown children or make it possible that human beings end up in eternal torment. And BTW, since you claim to know that this one "GOD" is displeased with religion and religious systems, I'm assuming that you can confirm this knowledge. Well?

"3. Thank you for promoting the counsel to go with the gods who have human, not animal faces."

Relevance? What?....a god with human body parts makes him or her more honest? It makes him or her more worthy of praise? It makes him or her less likely to lie to you and screw you over? Please.

"5. Have you considered that prayer is not so much about asking for stuff, but more about relationship and conversation?"

Yes, I suppose when one doesn't get what one asks for in Jesus' name(as the bible promises that you will), one can revert to believing that "prayer" is about "relationship and conversation"(with one's self)