Wiping our asses in heaven?

© 2007 Tim Simmons

I’d like to talk to you about a subject that rarely
sees daylight. I meant that figuratively, of course.
Perhaps we just take it for granted. Maybe it's just
not a very interesting activity to discuss on your
lunch break. It's something that most people do every
day but almost no one talks about it among friends.
Of course I'm talking about the taboo subject of…

You're probably thinking there's not much to say about
the subject. On the contrary, I'm thinking about
starting a newsgroup on the very topic -
alt.wipeyerbooty. As I type this, I can think of so
many things I want to say on the topic but let me just
spotlight one of them.

The main point I'd like to make about wiping is that
it is an activity that none of us can really avoid and
is a daily reminder of the dirty reality in which we
live. Wiping is just a bad side effect of the design
of the human body and we all know who designed the
human body, right? What I want to know is, why don't
you ever hear a preacher do a sermon about how we’re
all going to wipe our asses for all eternity once we
get to Heaven?

Think about it. Paul preaches a resurrection of the
dead wherein the spirit of the person is reunited with
their body. Jesus rose from the dead and bodily
ascended into Heaven. It's pretty clear that the New
Testament teaches the notion that we will actually
have physical bodies in Heaven. Now, I like a good
bowel movement as much as the next guy but come on,
don't tell me that I'm going to have to be wiping my
ass in his presence for all eternity! I would think
God has better things planned for us than the
execution of mundane necessities of existence!

But this poses another question. Perhaps we don't
need to eat once we get to Heaven. But if that's
true, then we won't need the thirty some odd feet of
intestines either. Oh, I almost forgot teeth. Won’t
need those. And of course there will be no
procreation allowed. So I won’t need my… um, well,
heck, why WILL we need a body in Heaven?

But this is all speculation, folks.

So you see, this normally taboo subject can be an
interesting topic on its own but it can also lead to
interesting speculation. Now if you'll excuse me, I
think I feel a good bowel movement coming on.

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