Wiping our asses in heaven?

© 2007 Tim Simmons

I’d like to talk to you about a subject that rarely
sees daylight. I meant that figuratively, of course.
Perhaps we just take it for granted. Maybe it's just
not a very interesting activity to discuss on your
lunch break. It's something that most people do every
day but almost no one talks about it among friends.
Of course I'm talking about the taboo subject of…

You're probably thinking there's not much to say about
the subject. On the contrary, I'm thinking about
starting a newsgroup on the very topic -
alt.wipeyerbooty. As I type this, I can think of so
many things I want to say on the topic but let me just
spotlight one of them.

The main point I'd like to make about wiping is that
it is an activity that none of us can really avoid and
is a daily reminder of the dirty reality in which we
live. Wiping is just a bad side effect of the design
of the human body and we all know who designed the
human body, right? What I want to know is, why don't
you ever hear a preacher do a sermon about how we’re
all going to wipe our asses for all eternity once we
get to Heaven?

Think about it. Paul preaches a resurrection of the
dead wherein the spirit of the person is reunited with
their body. Jesus rose from the dead and bodily
ascended into Heaven. It's pretty clear that the New
Testament teaches the notion that we will actually
have physical bodies in Heaven. Now, I like a good
bowel movement as much as the next guy but come on,
don't tell me that I'm going to have to be wiping my
ass in his presence for all eternity! I would think
God has better things planned for us than the
execution of mundane necessities of existence!

But this poses another question. Perhaps we don't
need to eat once we get to Heaven. But if that's
true, then we won't need the thirty some odd feet of
intestines either. Oh, I almost forgot teeth. Won’t
need those. And of course there will be no
procreation allowed. So I won’t need my… um, well,
heck, why WILL we need a body in Heaven?

But this is all speculation, folks.

So you see, this normally taboo subject can be an
interesting topic on its own but it can also lead to
interesting speculation. Now if you'll excuse me, I
think I feel a good bowel movement coming on.


Anonymous said...

Dear Simmons,
in heaven the believers possess spiritual bodies, not physical bodies. Jesus' bodily resurrection does not mean that he has the same flesh and blood body he had when he was in this world. In heaven there are a lot of better things to do than the mundane things you are concerned about.
We used to have a thing called 'propriety', i.e.we don't talk about them socially even though they are very common. One thing atheism does is to take away our propriety. The shamelessness it brought into your life is a classic example of what atheism brings into our lives.

Bob Kowalski said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
twincats said...

So Paul, do nonbelievers have physical bodies? Eternal torment with fire and brimstone and lakes of fire aren't much good without physical bodies...

Bob Kowalski said...

Paul is right. In heaven the believers will possess spiritual bodies.

Spiritual bodies will ingest spiritual food, digest it with spiritually digestive enzymes with spiritual intestines, then make spiritual excrement. Then spiritual posteriors will need to be wiped in a spiritual manner with spiritual toilet paper.

The only bodies that we know are bodies that have corresponding needs. If a body does not eat, digest, and defecate, then in what sense is it a body? ALL BODIES as we know them eat, digest, and defecate.

If what believers will have in heaven will not eat, digest, and defecate, then to call whatever it will be that believers will have/be in heaven as bodies, is simply misleading, deceptive, and quite probably nonsensical.

Let's face facts, bodies do some pretty improper things. I've always suspected that flip-side of an emphasis on "propriety" is scatological humor. Where you have one, you have the other.

Jamie said...

I went to a Christian school from grade 1 to grade 13. Believe it or not, a teacher somewhere between grade 5-8 actually broached this subject. The conclusion? Since our bodies will be perfect in heaven, then the food we eat will be used completely and we will have no need for bowel movements...

So why would we have the plumbing then? I dunno. I can think of one other reason, but I wouldn't want to be accused of impropriety, and the Christians say the gays won't be in heaven anyway...

boomSLANG said...

Paul: in heaven the believers possess spiritual bodies, not physical bodies.

A "spiritual body"? Well-now, although no theist I know of has ever been able to define a "spirit", nor give a location for said "thing", that's never stopped them from trying to describe said "thing"...and in that description they always like to say a "spirit" is non-physical. If this is the case, then a "spiritual body" is most certainly an oxymoron...i.e.."square circle". In other words, an impossibility.

If this "thing", the so-called "spirit", is contained in our physical bodies at the present, then where will it be "contained" in an afterlife? What?...a series of perpetual thoughts?...aimlessly floating around for all of eternity? No sensory intake? The notion is utterly pointless; utterly absurd....and one HAS to suspend logical thinking in order to believe such a thing. In fact, there is not one single shred of evidence that "thoughts" survive the physical death of the body.

Paul: In heaven there are a lot of better things to do than the mundane things you are concerned about.

Oh?.. is that so? Okay, what exactly will you do while perpetually existing as a cluster of "thoughts"? How can you "do" any "thing"? Please explain, and preferable have it make logical sense.(This should be good)

Paul: One thing atheism does is to take away our propriety.

Supporting evidence? Relevance to what it true? That's what I thought...NONE. Baseless assertions.

The shamelessness it brought into your life is a classic example of what atheism brings into our lives.

What's a "shame" is that religion teaches people to suspend logical thinking. You are a "classic example". Paul, you are delusional.

Astreja said...

"Spiritual bodies"?

I'll look into that just as soon as I'm done researching these square circles and married bachelors.

Anonymous said...


Religion and propriety are two words that don’t belong in the same sentence…

Christianity has slaughtered entire civilizations on every continent of the planet with the exception of Antarctica (the fact that it’s uninhabited is the only reason it’s been spared the bloodbath).

Yet Christians claim to be “pro-life”?

Oh… Do you want to talk about greed? If WalMart adopted the business practices of Christianity, they’d promptly blow-up every Target, K-Mart, Sears and even the corner market, then murder anyone that tried to open a new store…

Christians murder and pillage so they can go to a city made of gold and precious stones (Revelation 21).

Are these some of the things your were referring to when you said "we don't talk about them socially even though they are very common"?

How's that verse go Paul? Judge not lest ye be judged? Is that it?

Look at the log in your own eye before you talk to us about our speck or about propriety…

Tim Simmons said...


"The shamelessness it brought into your life is a classic example of what atheism brings into our lives."

Please explain why I should be ashamed of the way God designed my body? Did not God give me my asshole? Why, then, is it to be a shameful thing? You, sir, have not really questioned the beliefs your parents inculcated you with.

On the contrary, if nothing was shameful to DISCUSS, then we'd be much further along in our journey toward maturity of the human race and all that is civil. If you want to remain in the barbaric times of your god, that's your choice.


SpaceMonk said...

Shame is artificial, and subjective.

Anyway, we can't have output without input, and needing to eat would mean a moment of desire, ie. being unsatisfied.
So if heaven is perfect unending happiness forever, then we could never feel the pangs of hunger.

Would we starve? No, because there's no death.

So I think heaven is going to be filled with a lot of anorexic looking people.

I've also been wondering about marriages in heaven.

When someone loses their partner it's often comforting for them to be able to say, "We'll be together again in heaven..."
But, if a christian loses their partner in this life, then remarries, what happens when they all get together again in heaven?
They'll have two husbands, or two wives!
Will they be jealous, or just enjoy the threesome?

It could be quite uncomfortable ...espcially if you're no longer attracted to their anorexic body.

Unknown said...

Don't forget that god is supposedly everywhere. So he's in your ass when you shit, he's IN the shit. He lives in the toilet. He looks up at you when the turd spashes into the water which is also where god is. Nice to think about huh Christians....taking a shit on your god. -Vixentrox-

Anonymous said...

Jamie said : Since our bodies will be perfect in heaven, then the food we eat will be used completely and we will have no need for bowel movements...

Food is not the ony thing we crap out. Our bodies are constantly repairing torn, worn, and dead tissue. Approximately 75% of an ordinary sample of human feces is water. This percentage changes; diarrhea has more water than average and the longer the piece is in the bowels, the more water is taken out. Of the remaining 25%, 1/3 (or about 1/12 of the whole) is dead bacteria. Another 1/3 of the remaining quarter is indigestible food, such as cellulose.

So even buying into the "perfect ballance heavenly food" idea the human body would still produce waste.

Paul said : One thing atheism does is to take away our propriety.
I'm wondering what's so harmful about talking about poop? We all do it, I certianly could have used a few pointers when I had to start tending to my own butt end. Reach under or reach around? Wipe forward or back? 1 wipe? 2? 3 or more? Twirl or strait lines? Back and forth or side to side?

How about tapping? Is more than 3 taps considered masturbation? How come no matter how many times you tap or how hard you shake that last little drop doesnt come out till you pull your underwear up so you get that front crotch pee stain?

Why do people find talking about bodily function so embarrassing? I do as well, but only because I've been conditioned to do so through my family. Wouldn't things be better if they were openly talked about without the taboo? Why do our bodies always have to be viewed as nasty, sinful, and secretive? I think half the wierd sexual fetishes out there can be traced back to strict/enforced control of topics dealing with bodily functions.

Religion definatly fosters ignorance - especially in situations like this where it brands something impropper simply because it embarrasses someone. Grow up. We all poop and pee. Or perhaps its the idea that asking questions like this begin to really point out the ridiculous notions perpetrated by religion with "spiritual bodies" and the idea of "eternal life" when one considers those pesky details of waste management, hunger, bad hair days, and foul morning breath?

Lance said...

Hey Just Rick. That was a wonderful post. Absolutely fantastic. And speaking of morning breath and the bacteria that cause it, I wonder if all the millions of bacteria that help me digest food and create poop will be resurrected with me, or if I will get new ones.

swabby429 said...

Hence the common expletive:

"Holy Shit!!!"

Lance said...

Paul said: "Jesus' bodily resurrection does not mean that he has the same flesh and blood body he had when he was in this world."

So what happened to the fish he ate after his resurrection? How did the fish in Jesus' stomach make it through the locked door when he just showed up in the room with the disciples? What happened to the fish as he flew away to heaven? I'm just wondering.

gimmeadrinkawater said...

My daughter who is 4 years old talks about poop and pee all the time. It's really important to. She needs to know what it is, what's going on, how not to touch it, where it's going, what it smells like, and how to wipe. I'm also teaching her not to say certain of those words in public, only because other people would find it unpleasant, as I do, especially over a restaurant meal. But other than that, where's the propriety, and what does this have to do with religion?

Paul, I'd love to hear your answers. Maybe I'd learn something I should be teaching my little one that I'm missing, although I think I'm doing a fine job. Oh, by the way, this doesn't mean I'm not a Christian. Please post for the sake of everyone who's missing the boat on this site.

eel_shepherd said...

The topic post takes a lot for grunted... I mean granted. For one thing, who's to say that in heaven the excrement will be off-putting the way is is here on Earth? Xtians spend so much of their lives getting sugar blown up their asses that maybe in heaven that will be one of the rewards they'll be reaping. Maybe in heaven the heavenly dung traces will be no more off-putting than so much sun tan lotion. There's so much about heaven that we don't know. Did you know, for instance, that in Muslim heaven the seventy-two virgins will have foam-rubber teeth that look just like real teeth? That way the Muslim men, for whom heaven was designed, will never have to suffer a bite mark if the young heavenly virgin loses her concentration at the moment of truth? You didn't, did you?

As far as eating dinner/lunch/etc. in heaven goes, we always have to wonder if that sort of thing is going to be part of day-to-day life "up there". The denizens of heaven will be, presumably, eternal beings, and, no matter what it is that you like doing, eventually you're gonna get bored with it. Any finite act loses its flavour after a while. No, the heaven dwellers will be doing open-ended types of things, whatever those might be; things that don't have names, let alone go plop in the porcelain convenience...

Anonymous said...

Most Christians won't talk about, or even acknowledge any thing that could include them into the animal kingdom.

Even though, in most of the civilized world, evolution is seldom questioned anymore,or politely called a theory, but is accepted as fact, and by some scientists, as the "law of evolution"

I have noticed that most of the Christian apologists on this site, will simply ignore any reference to being 98% like an ape, because if they do, "there goes the literal word of God."

You will never get one of them into a discussion about the natural biological aspects of Jesus, or anyone else, as they sit around in heaven singing hymns.

J. C. Samuelson said...


Great post! When are you starting that newsgroup? I know a few pastors who need lessons...


"We used to have a thing called 'propriety'..."

All that went out the window when the Bible was written.

Have a nice day!

Anonymous said...

Paul -

"If thine ass offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee, it is better for thee to enter into life with no ass, rather than having your ass cast into hell fire."

In the interests of propriety I will refrain from making a crude comment regarding asses, hell fire, and Mexican food.

Anonymous said...

paul, if it is propriety you want, you shouldn't be in here. There are boys and girls in here who are at least 16 or 17 years old who use words like poop and heck. There are even boys and girls who are old enough to drink and they say goshdarn and geewhiz. This place is mormon hell.

pauley..........have you read the bible? No, I am not joking. Most of your ilk wouldn't know the bible if it was stuffed up their asses sideways. Start at genesis, go through the laws, go through the war stories, and try to keep your corn flakes down. I never could.

My favorite jew war story is from 2 kings 15; about a godly man named menachem. Read it. He was so fucking proper; proper enough to please any xristian.

Propriety. Propriety, your ass. Propriety, shit. Fuck propriety.

And let me tell you a few more things, you proper excuse for a man. Let me address your last sentence: "the shamlessness it brought into your life is a classic example of what atheism brings into our lives".

You xristians invented shame. Your kind invented shame, guilt and weakness. And what does atheism "bring into our lives"? Atheism means pride and strength. Atheism means living on our feet, not trembling on our knees. Atheism puts light in your brain and muscle in your gut. Become an atheist and you will cease to slobber about propriety. You might even become shameless.

Spirula said...

"One thing atheism does is to take away our delusional thinking and absurd, unrealistic, Victorian era prudishness."

There. Fixed.

Anonymous said...

"Everytime we poop we lose a part of our soul".

*A quote from Jesus Ranch.

Micah Cowan said...

A strongly-related post by my brother Christopher (a Christian) from last year. Mostly 'cause his mind works that way. ^_^

Anonymous said...

I believe we will poop our favorite ice cream flavor,...strawberry,vanilla,..but probably not the darker varieties,..that might be to kinky.
peace, freedy

Anonymous said...

Hi, in hell the unsaved will not have the same physical bodies they have now.
The bodies we now have do not tolerate even 100 degree centigrade.
Hell is an eternal fire. God designs bodies for these unsaved souls at the time they enter into hell.
These bodies will not vanish with heat and withstand the torment for an endless age. Because the heaven is only for people who accept God, the alternative is only hell.

Regarding Christians killing people. Christians did a lot of mistakes whenever they did not follow Christ.

Unfortunately they followed Peter who used his sword on the soldier at the time of Jesus' arrest. Whenever Christians abandon the way of Christ they commit horrible sins.

Nature of spiritual body...we don't know. We don't know is not illogical. There are many things we don't know.

Certainly atheism is stupid. With so much complexity and design around us it is foolhardy to believe that God doesnot exist.

That is why Einstein believed in GOd. He ridiculed the atheists for their beliefs. I agree with Einstein.

Anonymous said...

Well... I was hoping that Paul would stick around and try to defend his cult... I can certainly understand why he'd find the task difficult...

When your whole little fantasy world is built on double-standards and lies, it's impossible to sound rational.

So Paul, when did you "have a thing called 'propriety'"?

Would you like to comment on the "propriety" of the Bible?

Let's look at the book of Malachi...

2:2 If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart.

2:3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.

Don't forget 2 Chronicles

21:14 Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives, and all thy goods. And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out.

Anonymous said...

"God designs bodies for these unsaved souls at the time they enter into hell. "

Har har! What the hell?!? How do you KNOW this stuff LOL!! Paul - that's some fantastic weed you're smokin', dude. Yeesh! Please, PLEASE provide proof of this?!? Can you? Hee hee. I have GOT to send this to some people I know! Paul - you're a riot! A RIOT!! Thanks for the laugh!! -Wes.

Anonymous said...

"Certainly atheism is stupid. With so much complexity and design around us it is foolhardy to believe that God doesnot exist."

Religions like to tell their sheep that they're smarter and more moral than everybody else...

History tells us differently though.

Religion also provides an "Easy button": If you don't understand something, attribute it to your magical being...

Anonymous said...

Hee hee! Sorry. That was so funny. I am thinking of asbestos-based flesh. Hee ha har! :-) -Wes.

J. C. Samuelson said...


I said this on the "Ali G" thread, but just in case you don't go there again...

If you're going to be a troll, come up with something original. Good trolls have class & style in spite of their annoying tactics.

The same ol' crap is just boring & lame.

Astreja said...

Paul says that he agrees with Albert Einstein.

Who said:

"I cannot conceive of a personal God who would directly influence the actions of individuals, or would directly sit in judgement on creatures of his own creation."

"The concept of a soul without a body seems to me to be empty and devoid of meaning."

"I consider ethics to be an exclusively human concern with no superhuman authority behind it."

"Through the reading of popular scientific books I soon reached the conviction that much in the stories of the Bible could not be true."


boomSLANG said...

Now let me get this straight---biblegod, aka "Jesus", is going to craft special "bodies", specifically for those he intends to eternally roast in "hell"....this, so they don't get "over-done".

(Then I was thinkin'....well shit....why go through all that trouble when he could just wrap us sinners in Reynold's Heavy Duty Aluminum Foil with the stay-closed tab™ ? lol)

Paul?..you're a f%cking dolt. Scram. BeAt It!

Telmi said...


"Certainly atheism is stupid. With so much complexity and design around us it is foolhardy to believe that God doesnot exist.

That is why Einstein believed in GOd. He ridiculed the atheists for their beliefs. I agree with Einstein"

This shows what an ignorant person you are! You are evidently a person who lives in fantasy.

BTW, Einstein did not believe in God; These quotations were allegedly made by Einstein:

"It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere.... Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death".

"I believe in Spinoza's God who reveals himself in the orderly harmony of what exists, not in a God who concerns himself with the fates and actions of human beings".

"I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own -- a God, in short, who is but a reflection of human frailty. Neither can I believe that the individual survives the death of his body, although feeble souls harbor such thoughts through fear or ridiculous egotisms".

Please update yourself.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't a spiritual body still need to take a spiritual crap?

And I'm real interested in this damnation body. When exactly does god create this? Before we are judged or after? How long do they take to construct? Can you get them in different styles or colors?

You said they are heat resistant but what about puncture proof (One good jab with a pitchfork and your eternity of suffering could come to an end.)

They would have to last an eternity so they would never wear out or age or succumb to diseases.

Hey! Wait a minute! Why didn't he give us those bodies to begin with instead of these raggedy old things.

Damn, what an evil old bastard he is.

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't we have a little compassion for Paul?

It isn't easy being simple minded!

Anonymous said...

I appreciate Telmi and Astreja doing a (vain) attempt to bring paul up to speed. paul's kind delight in pointing out all the great people in history who were believers in the jewzoo. In keeping with the general tenor of this thread, this is shit.

pauley, you have been fed half-truth and have swallowed it whole. Let me give you another example: General Ethan Allen is supposed to have been a "xristian soldier" who took the surrender of Ticonderoga "in the name of jehovah and the Continental Congress". Now, did you know that General Allen (retired) wrote the first anti-xristian book published in this country? It was titled Reason, The Only Oracle of Man.

Go to the 'net, type it in, and educate yourself, for xrist sake. You dislay the mind of a child.

And your appeal to intelligent design is comical. To appeal to a creator is one thing; to prove that this creator is the jew god is quite another. Lots of luck, pauley.

Anonymous said...

This is a WONDERFUL Question!!!! I never thought of that before!!!! Now I have a NEW Question for all those stupid God-Shouters that come to my door wantijng to Convert me.

I used to ask them, since they told me I was Created in God's Image, whether or not God had a belly button. And they'd hem and haw and some would say "Yes" and others would say "No" and still others would not know and the last bunch - the smartest ones, I think - would just give up and walk away.

But NOW I have a NEW Question: "Does God have an ASSHOLE? If so, what brand of toilet paper does he use???? The Cheap Stuff that you find in public restrooms, or the Good Stuff, like Charmin? I'll bet he uses Charmin and that there is a special squad of Angels that Squeezes it for him...

Anonymous said...

Actually, I don't think god wipes his own butt.

He created apologists to do that for him.

Anonymous said...

This is a very ignorant question.

Telmi said...

"Does God have an ASSHOLE"

Anyone believing "that God created man in his image" will have to agree that God has an ASSHOlE. You can't have your cake and eat it, too, can you?

How often does he wipe it? Going by our image and practice, probably once a day, but can be more than once a day on some days. Can he suffer from diarrhea? Probably Yes, judging by our image and the belief he probably has an ASSHOlE, like that of man.

Steven Bently said...

Yes the Bible-God does have an asshole and he stays bent over for all the believers to kiss along beside the preachers' ass to kiss every time they enter a church.

Anonymous said...

Many of the articles here are quite informative. The odd one even thought provoking. This!?
Please! If I wanted my intelligence further insulted I could always go back to church.
If this article were on paper it would definitely have a place in my bathroom where it would be put to good use. Talk about preaching to the chior.

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