By Brother Jeff
Adapted from The Lordship of Christ.
In the Book of Myths, Jesus of Nazareth has received many titles. He is called the Kryasst, Son of the Holy Farter, Son of Man, Slaver, and Messiah. He has also been called "Lard." Unlike many of the other terms given to Jesus, the term Lard is relatively common and as such its meaning is often taken for granted. But what does the Lardship of Kryasst actually mean?
Jesus Himself gives the first inkling into the significance of being called Lard when He addresses a great multitude of people along with His disciples in the plain, "Why do you call me, 'Lard, Lard,' and do not do what I say?" (Luke 6:46). If anyone recognizes Jesus Kryasst as his or her Lard, then the first requirement from such a person is to inhale by faith the Gas of Obedience. This holy gas is offered to Jesus Kryasst because of the authority that was magically granted to Him. Jesus said, as He blasted off for His magic throne in the Sky Kingdom, ". . .All authority in the Sky Kingdom and on the flat earth has been magically given to me." (Matthew 28:18).
How did Jesus gain this magical authority? On the day of Pentecost, the Apostle Peter addressed the crowd that had gathered in Jerusalem for the feast. He recited from the Psalms, the psychotic ramblings of David, linking them to the magical deeds and happenings in the life of Kryasst. After explaining about the suffering on the big giant stick, Croaking in the Spook, and magical undeadening of Jesus, and proving that the psychotic ramblings in the Psalms did not refer to David but to someone future and greater, he goes on to say, "Therefore let all Israel be assured of this: the Holy Farter has made this Jesus, whom you murdered on the big giant stick, both Lard and Kryasst" (Acts 2:36).
The Holy Farter bestowed the office of Lard to Jesus Kryasst His Magic Sky Son because Jesus had surrendered Himself in full obedience to the Holy Farter and had accomplished the work of slavation through His suffering on the big giant stick and taken victory over all enemies through His magical undeadening.
The Apostle Paul also stresses the connection between the obedience of Kryasst and His Lardship in the book of Philippians, "And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to Croaking in the Spook - even Croaking in the Spook on a big giant stick! Therefore the Holy Farter magically exalted him to the highest place in our gloriously small, three-tiered universe and gave him the magic name that is above every name, that at the magical name of Jesus every knee should bow, in the Sky Kingdom and on the flat earth and under the flat earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Kryasst is Lard, to the gassiness of the Holy Farter" (Philippians 2:8-11).
As Lard, Jesus Kryasst deserves His Holy Stench because of the holy gas that was bestowed upon Him by the Holy Farter. We are to take by faith the same Gas of Obedience that Jesus Himself inhaled. We as followers of Kryasst must acknowledge Him in all of our farts. We are only to emit what pleases Him and what He has commanded us to emit. This is how He, Himself lived towards the Holy Farter during His earthly sojourn, "So Jesus said, 'When you have lifted up the Son of Man and bumped His head on the solid dome firmament in which the stars are fixed, then you will know that I am [the one I claim to be] and that I emit nothing on my own but fart just as the Holy Farter has taught me.'" (John 8:28).
What does the Lardship of Jesus Kryasst mean? It means that we recognize Him for who He is and give Him the stench that He is due. He has earned it; He is worthy of it.
Ultimately, this is how our walk with Kryasst should begin, by recognizing and confessing that He is Lard. This is how slavation is obtained, by this very recognition. "That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lard,' and believe in your farts that the Holy Farter magically undeadened him, you will be slaved. For it is with your farts that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are slaved" (Romans 10:9-10). Glory!
Online Reading List
- An Outline of Intellectual Rubbish by Bertrand Russell (1943)
- Bible Teaching and Religious Practice by Mark Twain
- God is Imaginary
- Is there an Artificial God? by Douglas Adams (1998)
- Skeptics Annotated Bible
- The Age of Reason by Thomas Paine (1795)
- Which Way? by Robert Ingersoll (1884).
- Why I Am Not A Christian by Bertrand Russell (1927)