AN ATHEIST’S GUIDE TO BECOMING RELIGIOUS
Lately, I’ve had many atheists write to me, asking if now is a good time to become religious again. It seems that the departure of the Bush Administration has awoken the vast majority of the atheist community to the simple fact that theocracy is no longer a threat here or abroad. It is high time to embrace what we once called superstition, dust off that Bible lifted in protest from the Holiday Inn, and delve once more into the church, dear friends. For some, a conversion or reconversion to reverence seems a daunting task. As freethinkers, we’ve gotten a bit rusty in the worship department. When working out the faith muscle, we must start slowly so it doesn’t get overtaxed. Start out at the Joel Osteen level, before you consider going full Falwell. If you’re one of the 5% still on the fence about taking this sacred surge, ponder the inarguable, massive benefit of taking the faith train to Godville.
Huge time savings. Take into account how much time you spend thinking. Now cut that in half. Now cut that in half, and repeat until you reach zero, because you now have a handy-dandy book that makes your decisions for you. As Ted Haggard said: “We don’t have to have a debate about what we should think about homosexuality. It’s written in the Bible.” Add up the time it would have taken you to mentally debate this, and use it to go golfing. It is estimated that by eliminating thinking by 95%, the average American would save 14 hours per week. Based on the new U.S. minimum wage increase, that translates to $5,278 per American each year. That’s almost enough to purchase a Smart Car.
It should be quite clear that there has never been a better time to stop and smell the rosary. Though there are obstacles ahead for the skeptical mind, here are some simple, tested guidelines to help you go from “infidel” to just plain “fidel” in just a few short weeks.
Make meaning out of small things, so that you can be trusted to make meaning out of large things. Before you can calm your inquisitive mind and embrace the idea of a loving, caring, and jealous God, you’ll need to start with baby steps. Reading tea leaves and taking fortune cookies literally is a good start toward making meaning out of everyday situations. Is a tearful image of God’s only Son right there in your bag of Funyons? Has an outline of the savior shown up on your shower curtain? Did your lawnmower leak lubricant, only to leave a loving image of God’s only Son on the garage floor? Course through all snack foods, pre-made burger patties, tortillas (both corn and flour), breakfast flakes, nut mixes, or hastily topped frozen pizzas. If the image of Christ or Mary appears, remind yourself that it is not simply coincidence.
Re-read The God Delusion with a more critical eye. Maybe Richard Dawkins himself was sent to test your faith. Have you considered that maybe the only reason Dawkins even writes books is because he thinks he’s better than you?
Develop your ability to follow orders. For freethinkers who have not been in the military, you have a problem with obedience to authority. This can be remedied by wearing a rubber band around your wrist. Simply snap it against your flesh each time you become inquisitive. Do this every day for 21 days, and obedience will become your second best friend. The virtue of obedience will also prepare you quite well for the workforce should something open up.
Watch The Flintstones. Seeing humans and dinosaurs co-exist again will help free the mind from any previous knowledge of anthropology, paleontology, or history. Likewise, shows like Two and a Half Men will leave you with no compulsion to watch documentaries and other shows that contain information.
Be stingy with your new virginity. Since virginity is restored when you become a Christian, don’t just go and give it away now. You need to save it for marriage or Senior Prom. Post a pledge to Bristol Palin’s abstinence organization, and join Promise Keepers right away to build a solid, iron-clad moral and ethical foundation. Additionally, the purchase of a Smart Car is a great way to keep from losing your virginity in the backseat this time around.
Invent a new controversy. If it’s possible to revive a formerly settled debate such as creation vs. evolution, surely there are scores of other settled controversies to renew. These new debates will bring more validity to your newfound belief system, and balance out all the science that’s stuck in your head. Next time you hear people arguing about abortion, say something like: “Whoa! This is almost as heated as the ‘prayer vs. single payer health care’ debate!”
Use the “caps lock” on your keyboard. Many atheists are prone to using a lower case “g” when typing the word “God.” This habit, left unchecked, is an embarrassing mistake for the newly anointed. Using the caps lock is a foolproof solution, making it impossible to mess up a phrase such as: “MAY GOD BLESS E. E. CUMMINGS.”
White-out the violent parts of the Bible. Let’s be honest. Any book that condones rape, murder, genocide, and incest can be a real bummer. Just memorize the parts with the word “love” if you want to really make a difference.
Put “under God” back in the Pledge. You may have loudly objected to the addition of those two words added to the Pledge of Allegiance during the McCarthy era. Noble at the time, but you’re a believer now. Besides, why not prepare yourself for a visit to Ireland? They’ve just passed a bold new Anti-blasphemy Law. It would be rude and illegal to omit “under God” when saying the Pledge in the Emerald Isle.
Write down what you would like your City of Gold to look like. You’re going to get one when you die (Revelation 21:18), so sit down and design your city intelligently. Gold is currently near an all-time high, so guess who just picked a great time to be a Christian?
Purchase a firearm. God loves you now, and you’ve taken an oath to “treat your body as a temple.” If someone is loitering near your temple, you better have the stopping power to keep it looking good. A .50 caliber Smith & Wesson will clear out anyone’s temple. Though Christianity is a religion of peace, there’s a nugget of wisdom in the phrase: “Kill ‘em all, and let God sort ‘em out.”
Try a night of gay sex. If you end up liking it, you will meet more people to share your faith with. If you end up disliking it, then your repentance and faith will just get stronger. Either way, God wins.
(Note: Though it’s our responsibility to vote against same-sex marriage, same sex-one-night-hookups are not specifically forbidden by name in the Book of Leviticus.)
It is my hope that these steps to religiosity can help spark a return to the peacefulness of the Middle Ages. I am currently compiling some tips for nonbelievers with a background in Islam, so that they, too, can enjoy the massive benefits of a religious society. So, my fellow former-faithless friends… I am glad that we can all be a part of this new “beginning of faith” together, and I look forward to seeing you all at the Sunday meetups. I’ll be the guy in the Smart Car.
Troy Conrad is a comic, writer, and filmmaker living in Los Angeles. He is the creator of The Comedy Jesus Show, which toured internationally, and has just received distribution on DVD. He is featured in the upcoming Paul Provenza book “Satiristas” with Janeane Garafalo, Stephen Colbert, and George Carlin. To see videos from The Comedy Jesus Show, go to www.atheistcomedy.com or subscribe to “comedyjesus” on Youtube. This article was originally written for The Metro State Atheists and is posted here by permission of the author.
Comments
Uh, yeah - it is. If you couldn't tell from the tone, you could from the author's bio at the bottom of the article: "Troy Conrad is a comic, writer, and filmmaker living in Los Angeles. He is the creator of The Comedy Jesus Show... ".
I'm still a litttle ticked about my religious experience, too.
I'm still a litttle ticked about my religious experience, too.
Love it!!!
Christians can be nice. My family is Roman Catholic, Opus Dei. My family is very nice. However, niceness does not negate the fact that they live in a fantasy world and deserve to be treated as mental outpatients who refuse meds and therapy. I firmly believe that if they accepted psychotherapy and group counseling, the neurotic behavior would stop.
Here is a list of my family's wacko religious behaviors:
1. My relatives talk to god daily...non-stop and even in the car...rosaries in the car while driving. This is more dangerous than chatting on a cell phone. They put themselves and others at risk. They should have their licenses revoked.
2. Yahweh (He who created the universe) TALKS back to them...daily!!!! It's a 24/7, non-stop, chat-fest that would make any gum-snapping teenager blush with shame.
3. They eat and drink Jesus' body and blood in the consecrated host and the wine. They won't bite down on the Eucharist; they let it dissolve in their mouths because biting the cracker would mean tearing into Jesus's body.
4. They see ghosts/spirits of dead people...When my grandfather was dying at age 99, my relatives claimed that they had SEEN the ghost of my great-grandmother coming to get her son so he could cross over. The sad part is that my nephews and nieces think it is normal to SEE dead people slipping in and out of rooms.
5. They purge their homes of evil spirits through the sprinkling of holy water and prayers.
6. They pray to the sternum of a lunatic nun (a holy woman...she was taken out of the ground to see if her body had decomposed. Entropy failed. The nuns discovered that the cadaver had not rotted. Thus, she was holy and her sternum was removed for worship).
I could go on with the list...some of the nutty behavior has me laughing hard. My family is still nice...crazy as March hares, but nice.
I could care less what a person believes as long as they keep their spiritual fantasies and god-talk out of public policy. Once they spill their delusion into the public sphere, I will view them as my enemies...particularly if they get in the way of women's health issues.
Just my 2 cents.
Christians can be nice. My family is Roman Catholic, Opus Dei. My family is very nice. However, niceness does not negate the fact that they live in a fantasy world and deserve to be treated as mental outpatients who refuse meds and therapy. I firmly believe that if they accepted psychotherapy and group counseling, the neurotic behavior would stop.
Here is a list of my family's wacko religious behaviors:
1. My relatives talk to god daily...non-stop and even in the car...rosaries in the car while driving. This is more dangerous than chatting on a cell phone. They put themselves and others at risk. They should have their licenses revoked.
2. Yahweh (He who created the universe) TALKS back to them...daily!!!! It's a 24/7, non-stop, chat-fest that would make any gum-snapping teenager blush with shame.
3. They eat and drink Jesus' body and blood in the consecrated host and the wine. They won't bite down on the Eucharist; they let it dissolve in their mouths because biting the cracker would mean tearing into Jesus's body.
4. They see ghosts/spirits of dead people...When my grandfather was dying at age 99, my relatives claimed that they had SEEN the ghost of my great-grandmother coming to get her son so he could cross over. The sad part is that my nephews and nieces think it is normal to SEE dead people slipping in and out of rooms.
5. They purge their homes of evil spirits through the sprinkling of holy water and prayers.
6. They pray to the sternum of a lunatic nun (a holy woman...she was taken out of the ground to see if her body had decomposed. Entropy failed. The nuns discovered that the cadaver had not rotted. Thus, she was holy and her sternum was removed for worship).
I could go on with the list...some of the nutty behavior has me laughing hard. My family is still nice...crazy as March hares, but nice.
I could care less what a person believes as long as they keep their spiritual fantasies and god-talk out of public policy. Once they spill their delusion into the public sphere, I will view them as my enemies...particularly if they get in the way of women's health issues.
Just my 2 cents.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QF88nB1SRCM
ROTFLMAO
BP
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QF88nB1SRCM
ROTFLMAO
BP
in these days of near constant christian troll attacks a little levity is good for the bowels. I can now relax in peace on my ceramic pulpit. Watch out Benny Hinn, this one's for you. Bombs away!
RLC
I love the part about the Flintstones ! Yes, man & dinosaurs back together again ! Wonder what a T-Rex burger tasted like 6,000 years ago ? Gosh, they should have written down recipe's....darn.
I do believe you're taking this article far too seriously. Also, the authority he refers to is "being submissive to the authority of the Bible". The old addage says, "Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions."
Gee... What was my first clue, I wonder?
OK, so if we used 35,000 different brushes would it be OK?
How can you say we can't lump all christianity into one category?
All christians as far as I know believe in a savior they call jesus christ, who was said to be born from a virgin.
Do you believe in this impossible birth?
Do you believe he was killed and then rose from the dead three days later?
Do you believe, although there is no evidence outside the bible, that he actually existed?
Is he your savior?
These are requirements for christianity, that is what the word means, belief in christ.
This lumps them all in one category, DELUSIONAL!
Niceness has nothing to do with it.
I am patiently awaiting your answer, paint brush in hand, holding a large can of tar and ready to smack you with a feather pillow.
RLC
(stuck behind a ridiculously slow, not so smart car, ready to pass over him in my monster truck!)
The "35,000 brushes" comment was referring to how many different denominations of protestants there are.
35,000 different flavours, all preaching that they have the "One True Word" and the other 34,999 are teaching "false doctrine".
Oh, and as for not knowing many Xians who own guns? Never been to Indiana, I take it?
you're a TROLL, aren't you?
In fact it's atheists such as yourself caused me to be scurrying into christianity in the first place so I could be among people who were kind and loving (albeit at first) rather than those who sneered at anyone who wasn't totally cocksure of themselves or had beliefs in something outside of themselves.
No I haven't been to Indiana because I live in another country where it's illegal to have personal possession of a gun.
In fact it's atheists such as yourself caused me to be scurrying into christianity in the first place so I could be among people who were kind and loving...
Oh -- now there's a perfectly legitimate (massive sarcasm) reason to join an ignorant superstitious organization.
--S.
"yes but".
Need I say more?
RLC
I know very few christians who type in capitals in e-mails and forums, go to gay nights in clubs for a pick-up and keep guns at home.
Ohhhh, you know, huh? Then it must be true.
Generalizations steeped in stereotypes based on personal testimony does NOT -- a valid characterization -- make.
--S.
Soupy Sales?
As in, Hey kids, send me the green paper in your Dad's wallet....HAHA
ATF
How was I to know that christianity was superstitious when I had gone to christian schools? Also if christians were ignorant then many people without religion were ignorant as well. Homophobia and sexism was pretty rife in the seventies and eighties among both christians and non christians.
So get your story straight -- was it atheists who caused you to become a christian? Or was that just a lame accusation that was not based in reality?
And you also admitted you went to christian schools -- was that after or before atheists supposedly caused you to scurry off to christianity in the first place?
--S.
As for typing in capitals; anybody who does it is just as likely to be non religious as christian and contrarily to what some atheists belief they are just as capable of committing crimes as christians.
perhaps this will clear things up. Last night Lemsip and I had a rather heated discussion. She didn't like my replies, so she complained. Webmdave in his wisdom removed several comments of both hers and mine.
RLC
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