1/09/2008                                                                                       View Comments

Entrée to Eternity

By Bored Again

With a posthumous clue from Alfred Hitchcock, I have solved the mystery of the missing body of Christ. In a 1958 episode of “Alfred Hitchcock Presents,” ominously entitled “Lamb to the Slaughter,” the jealous wife of a local police chief bludgeons him to death with a frozen leg of lamb. She then cooks the lamb and serves it to the homicide detectives, who can’t seem to locate the heavy, blunt murder weapon. Watching the episode recently, I had an “ah-ha!” moment: The disciples of Christ had the motive, the means, and the opportunity to dispose of his body: by eating it!

You may find this theory a bit tough to swallow, but the forensic evidence from Holy Scripture itself is damning. For starters, look at what Jesus himself said is necessary for eternal life:
“I am the living bread which came down from heaven; if any one eats of this bread, he will live for ever; and the bread which I shall give for the life of the world is my flesh." The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, "How can this man give us his flesh to eat?" So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you; he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is food indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so he who eats me will live because of me. This is the bread which came down from heaven, not such as the fathers ate and died; he who eats this bread will live for ever."
(John 6:51-58)


Apparently it takes a long time to say “bite me” in Aramaic, but the message from Jesus is absolutely clear and unequivocal. At least 6 times in this passage he says that the only way to live forever is to “eat his flesh” and “drink his blood.” The Jews who were listening understood this to be a literal requirement. Picture how this must have struck the disciples. They were a roving band of semi-literate, unemployed, homeless men, hungering for a better life beyond this one. This Jesus, whom they followed and trusted, told them exactly what they had to do to achieve their life-after-life goal. And it would make perfect sense for them to take The Word at his word and do what he asked. Jesus would be their entrée, if you will, to eternity.

But the disciples faced two super-sized problems that must have given them pause. First, there’s the general human abhorrence to eating other people, especially close personal acquaintances and individuals who can turn water into wine. However, most would agree that there is also a general human abhorrence to flying airplanes into occupied buildings, so fantasies of heaven obviously trump even our most basic inhibitions. Compared to terrorist martyrdom, however, what Jesus was asking was a piece of cake: just sup on the Savior, and you’re in.

Thus, the apostles clearly had the motive to devour the divine one, and could easily have overcome their initial distaste of the idea. Their next problem was finding the right opportunity to munch on the Messiah. Marv Albert notwithstanding, social mores typically discourage people from running up and biting other living creatures without provocation. But providence must have been smiling on the apostles because the opportunity for their grisly “first communion” was handed to them on a silver platter.

Right before their eyes, the flesh of Jesus was prepped for their dining pleasure. The “tenderizing” process of poking, piercing, and pounding of Jesus’ flesh prior to his crucifixion rivaled what any good chef would do to soften up a tough slab of rump roast. Then, as a subtle sort of marination, a by-stander had the good sense to dab the dying Christ with wine vinegar, creating a kind of savior vinaigrette. Next, Jesus was baked on a stick for 3 hours in the sizzling mid-east sun, basting in his own juices. Finally, with his last words, Jesus himself announced his table-readiness. His “It is finished” is alternatively translated “I am so cooked” in some early texts, indicating to the disciples that he was a well done, good and faithful servant. As a further test, the piercing of his side by a Roman soldier produced only clear body fluids, a sure sign there was not much Jesus “au jus” left to savor.

What happened next, of course, is left to our imaginations. In a sort of Last Supper redux, the apostles likely smuggled the “corpus Christi” back to the upper room and began the heavenly feast. The apostle Thomas probably couldn’t believe his eyes: those who had just argued about seating at the right hand of God were now eating at the right hand of God (i.e. finger sandwiches). And there was Peter, Peter, Prophet-eater chomping away on the loin of Judah, and John remarking, “This tastes just like chicken ala King of Kings.” The others agree that the dining is simply divine, as they wolf down the soft buns hot off the cross. It’s not inconceivable that even Jesus’ mother Mary had a little Lamb of God. And when they were done nibbling on the Nazarene, all that remained was the stained tablecloth, a sacred relic on display today at a church in Turin. Of course, this crucifixion cuisine pre-dated the invention of dental hygiene, leaving the apostles to walk around with bits of their lord and savior lodged between their teeth. Brings back memories of my Catholic days when I took communion, and had the creator of the universe hopelessly stuck on the roof of my mouth. So much for oral tradition.

But there are yet other biblical forensic clues that this really happened. Ever wonder why it was only women that went to look for Jesus’ body after his death? The faith “full” apostles, already knew what had happened, so they stayed back at the ranch, with that cat-that-just-ate-the-messiah look on their faces. Of course, Jesus himself had given his followers a foretaste of things to come when he prophesied his own demise. He said that, like Jonah, who was in the belly of a whale for three days, he was going to be in “Sheol” for three days. “Sheol” is literally translated “pit,” as in the pit of one’s stomach. So, like Jonah, Jesus would be in a belly (or bellies), and the apostles would experience a 3-day bout of sanctification constipation.

Which brings us to the so-called ascension into Heaven. It’s a known fact that the God of the Old Testament relished the pungent smell of burning flesh. He called the smoke from burnt offerings a “sweet aroma,” and demanded that millions of innocent animals be torched to fill his omnipresent snout. Just imagine his olfactory delight when the digested body of his only begotten son produced a sudden outburst of apostolic flatulence. And that odor, of course, would have ascended directly to Heaven in a “cloud.”

Finally, there is present-day forensic evidence that cannot be ignored. It’s no coincidence that our modern English words “Incarnation” and “carnivorous” come from the same Latin root. Also, only one letter separates the word “devout” from “devour,” and “savior” from “savor.” Note too, if you will, the similarities between “messiah” and “mess hall.” And where do you think we got the expression “morsel of Truth?” Need I go on? What about the whole concept of “holy communion” today? Since there wasn’t enough of the actual flesh of Christ to go around, Catholics invented “transubstantiation,” a sort of biological alchemy in which blood and bone morph into a thin tasteless wafer (that adheres quite well to the roof of one’s mouth). As this wafer approaches the faithful, they are prompted to utter “Body of Christ” and warned not to chew it, lest the compressed deity squeal in pain. They are re-enacting the apostles’ destruction of evidence!

So I believe the case can be made beyond any reasonable doubt that the apostles were guilty of finishing off the infinite one. And it’s likely that at some point over the millennia, references to “regurgitation” were mistranslated “resurrection” and a whole new religion arose. To the apostles’ credit, however, it must be said that their devotion to Christ was all-consuming.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

WELL SAID: YOUR ARTICLE IS INTERESTING AND A MASTER PIECE,

SKEP

Swifty32661 said...

Great stuff! Seems completely sound to me, I found zero errors in your logic and you've come to a very reasonable conclusion!

I laughed out loud a few times...keep 'em coming :)

TastyPaper said...

I had a lot of fun reading this! It's a perfectly sound, not to mention highly-appetizing article! Time for lunch!

Gretna said...

That is great! I'm still laughing.

More, please!

Gretna

Anonymous said...

A true msster-piece of detective work. This should "satisfy" the requirements of the strictest PhD Candidate Examination Committee for a Doctorate in Religion.

Or cooking.

I request permission to republish, with attribution, of course

Anonymous said...

All hail the author of 'Lamb to the slaughter': Roald Dahl!

Roald would've loved your theory too (grin)

Marion

Bored Again said...

_Permission granted, provided the republication is tastefully done!

Me said...

Thank you! I needed a laugh at authoritative absurdity this afternoon.

Steven Bently said...

Excellant and brilliant observation, you deserve the NOBEL PEACE PRIZE for this article!! This may be the smoking body (gun) that disolves the idiotic tale of a virgin birth savior.

The tomb was empty, why? Because the body was turning on the spit to soon be devoured for a guaranteed ticket to heaven.

We must keep in mind the foolishness and ignorance of people living 2000 years ago, as we are constantly reminded of the foolishness and ignorance still being displayed in our society in this 21st century.

I really believe you're on to something big here, this story needs to get out into the public as soon as possible.

Thank you, and I bow to your superior intellect and observation.

This article needs to run daily on the front page here for the next 20 years.

May I reprint this article with your permission? I want to distribute this publically, as anonymous author of course.

gusdafa said...

Kudos!

One the best (and funniest) essays I have read here.

grady said...

The bible must be taken literal, otherwise it cannot be the absolute word of god.

The literal commandment is that jesus's body must be eaten for the fulfillment of the written prophesies to become true.

For one to enter into the kingdom of god, one must partake of the flesh and blood of jesus.

Enjjpt said...

"Tastes like chicken ala king of kings" ROFL...I nearly spit my coffee all over my keyboard. Give a guy some warning next time!

Bored Again said...

To Steven Bently: Yes you may re-print the essay, since, like Christ, it was meant for public consumption.

cupsofsugar said...

this is freakin hilarious!!!

Astreja said...

How would this hypothesis fit with the Second Coming? Holy shit!

KFC (Kitchen Fried Christ) said...

I have a “bone to pick with” interpretation here.
Was 3 hours really enough time for jesus to be cooked to perfection.
I submit that this would have been insufficient for the saviour to be “done to a turn”. He simply would have been too rare. Those 3 hours were truly just marinating time.

Indeed, it would have required a trip into the frying pit of Hell for the Christ to be grilled properly with lots of crunchy crackling to go around. Beelzebub would have completed the job in 3 days using his infinite skill with that pitchfork and his secret slow roast recipe that includes lots of thyme, thus ensuring mint condition.

Modern day man needs to take a long hard look at what is being “dished up” for him and what he is prepared to “swallow”.

Steven Bently said...

Thanks Bored Again, I'm going to post this in public areas like Wal-Mart and in shopping centers with no name attached, that way they have no one to attack, except their own bibles.


To KFC:

One has to think about the mind-set of people whom lived over 2000 years ago. I wonder how many people died from food poisoning back then, they knew nothing about bacteria or sanitation methods back then. Also if your chief commander instructs you to eat him after it is finished in order to go to heaven, that would be a huge risk to take if you did not follow the one claiming to be god himself, remember you can eat poison and it will not harm you, because he promised it would not.

There was a lot at (steak, yes a pun), here, a promised ticket to heaven.

We people of today in the US, are pretty particular about how our food is prepared, we even have restaurant food inspectors, we need to be careful about spoilage and contamination, because we know bacteria and germs can kill, but 2000 years ago, the wine was considered safer to drink than the water.

I would be willing to bet that most people living in those days were either hallucinating from food positing or a mental disease from uncleanlyness. IMHO
Thanks Bored Again, I'm going to post this in public areas like Wal-Mart and in shopping centers with no name attached, that way they have no one to attack, except their own bibles.

Anita said...

Thanks so much for writing this; it's absolutely brilliant! Hope you don't mind, but I've posted it to my blog with a link to the original on exchristian.net.

MizzCrowley said...

That was the piece de resistance, bound to inspire a PTL Food Network Channel.
The author, like the apostle Paul, can claim like other sinners, of whom he is *Chef*. ;)

Charmin 3:16 said...

"Holy shit!"

That's what the apostles thought after Jesus took a dump.

freethinker05 said...

Bored Again, this was a well thoughtout interpertation of the bible, and I might add that it was funny as shit also. I LIKE IT!!! Thanks, Roger...A/A

pekingjohn said...

Perhaps we should send this to the Vatican for canonization. I would like to see this included in the New Testament.

enough said...

wow....I had to laugh abandoming all the reverence I ever had for the story from the bible!
Your version is an absolute Gem..
I think Vatican should make you a Saint immediately!
One question remains; what did they have for salad? thorn with olives? or used the thorns as forks? well done!(dont like it too rare!).
you made me wonder why they send "smoke" out of vatican after choosing new pope! are they roasting the old one? kind of mini feast of roasted pope for additional sal(i)vation? if you eat the big man you get top seat and to eat his agent must be worth a few points ok?
LOL
Keep it coming...