Matthew, a new translation

By Brother Jeff

The Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him has magically inspired me to do my own glorious translation of the bible featuring the Holy Farter, Kryasst, and the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him.

My intent is not just to make the alleged "Word of God' funny with my own brand of humor, but to highlight just how ridiculous Christian beliefs are and how closely belief in the supernatural resembles belief in magic. So you'll find that many things happen "magically" in this translation.

I have the Book of Matthew completed so far, but my plan is to eventually do the entire Bible. Any and all feedback on this glorious project would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks! Glory!

Download the Book of Matthew in .PDF format: Book of Matthew (BJV).

You'll need a free copy of Adobe Acrobat Reader installed on your computer to open the file.


Anonymous said...

Dude, that is so funny. I have read the first 3 chapters and laughed throughout. Thanks for the comic relief.

Anonymous said...

Brother Jeff,
That long drink of silence was far too long. I was wondering where you had gone off to. I was thinking the worst - maybe drafted and fighting Al-Qaida, maybe converted to Mormonism, maybe lynched by Xtians.

Low and behold, my fears have been allayed. The sagacious Brother Jeff has returned from Mt. Sinai with great golden tablets under his arms (no doubt translated from the original heiroglyphics with the Urim and the Thumim), revealing the final and most accurate rendition of the Word of GAWD, "The Gospel According to Jeff."

Tyndale Bible Comany! Stop the presses! The long awaited, most authoritatve word on the life of Geeezuz is finally here! Call the president! Call Jimmy Swaggart Call Ted Haggard! Oral Roberts is going home! Geezuz is coming!

At any rate, I'll be reading the new gospel with relish, a couple of hot dogs, and a six pack of beer, too.

It's good to have you back.

Anonymous said...

Sure,laugh now blasphemer! But we'll see who has the last laugh when your down in hell burning for all eternity and I'm up in heaven with my love Jesus Christ, having sex with him for all eternity! I'm gay for Jesus! I know it's a sin to be gay, but Jesus is just so fine! I'm sure God will make an exception since it is his son afterall! I'm so horny for Jesus!

Anonymous said...

Brother Jeff is still ticking along on his new website:

He also hangs out on the forums here using alternate screennames of the different incarnations of the holy spook. Right now he is the Book of Myths.

Anonymous said...

"According to Matthew, showers of blessings will descend upon a great horde of unwashed apostates -- i.e., us."

I resemble that remark! I wash EVERY Saturday night!

Anonymous said...

Great job on this... I laughed out loud several times. I think you are onto something too... "cast into the the loving fire." I now understand that gawd's love for us can one day be enjoyed in the form of eternal fiery torment. Thanks for that new perspective.

Anonymous said...






Anonymous said...

Thanks for the feedback, everybody!

John, like Sister M said, I'm around, just not as much on the main blog here as I am on the forums and on my glorious site at

Thanks for the welcome back, though. I ought to start posting more around here!

I have now begun work on the book of Mark! Glory!

Anonymous said...

This one is better!

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