You must be a Christian if...

By Brother Jeff

1. You believe that an ancient Book of Myths filled with contradictions, absurdities, atrocities, myths, fables, and plenty of nonhistorical "history" is somehow magically the inerrant, infallible "Word of God".

2. You believe that a Magical Being magically brought the universe into existence by speaking a powerful magical spell from Nowhere approximately 6000 years ago.

3. You believe, concerning the origins of mankind, that a Magical Being magically made us by fashioning a doll from a mound of scooped up dirt, which he then somehow magically brought to life via His Spook who is also somehow magically Him.

4. You believe that Three Magical Beings are somehow magically One Magical Being, and that the Three Magical Beings who are One Magical Being are somehow magically Each Other.

5. You believe that mankind "fell from grace" and deserves to be BBQed eternally because two primitive people who lived in an awesome garden located somewhere in the Middle East listened to a lying talking snake and ate some forbidden magic fruit from a magic tree.

6. You believe that this Magical Being who magically created the universe and us is "all-knowing" even though He lost track of Adam in the awesome garden and that he is "all-powerful" even though He has trouble with iron chariots.

7. You believe that you possess some sort of magical inner spook that is the "real" you. You believe that this inner spook can be magically transformed by a Sky Spook and even lived in by an Invisible Sky Man via that same Sky Spook.

8. You believe that because the first two magically created people disobeyed the Magical Being due to the influence of a lying talking snake and some magic inner spook-killing fruit, that all men are born with their inner spooks killed and in need of a magical transformation courtesy of a Sky Spook.

9. You believe that an Invisble Man who lives in the Sky is going to kick a talking snake's ass by sacrificing Himself to Himself and then Magically Undeadening Himself. You believe that if we believe that the Invisible Man is Magically Undead, that a Sky Spook who is also somehow magically the Invisible Man will Magically Undeaden our inner spooks and magically live inside of us and at the same time will "seal" our inner spooks as His so that it is kept safe from the diabolical attacks of the Talking Snake and his evil spooks.

10. You believe that this enormous universe which consists of approximately 125 billion galaxies was created specifically for mankind, and that human history reflects a cosmic battle between an Invisible Man who lives in the Sky and an evil spook who enjoys manifesting as a talking snake. You believe that humans are divided into two groups - those who serve the Invisible Sky Man and those who serve the Talking Snake.

11. You believe that since we "fell from grace" because of some magic fruit and a lying talking snake that we need redemption, and that to accomplish this the Magical Being sacrified Himself to Himself to save us from Himself. But, you also believe that the Magical Being's sacrifice somehow magically doesn't count unless we believe it and accept it.

12. You believe that a Magical Being somehow magically became a man, and that this Manly Magical Being murdered Himself and then Magically Undeadened Himself three days later via the Sky Spook version of Himself so He wouldn't have to toss us into an eternal flaming torture chamber because of the unfortunate incident involving the lying talking snake and the magic fruit.

13. You believe that a Sky Spook who is somehow magically the Magical Being raped a woman named Mary who somehow magically remained a virgin after being raped, and that this glorious union produced a child who was somehow magically the Magical Being embodied.

14. You believe that after the Manly Magical Being magically Magically Undeadened Himself, He somehow magically blasted off and flew up into the clouds to live in the Sky Kingdom with His Father who is also somehow magically Him.

15. You believe that at literally any moment you could find yourself magically floating up into the clouds to join an Invisible Magically Undead Sky Man in a long-awaited event known as "The Rapture". You are so convinced of the imminent nature of this absurd event that you have placed a bumper sticker on your car that reads, "WARNING: In the event of Rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned." Assuming that you are not driving a convertible with the top down most of the time, the issue of how you would float through the roof of your car has never concerned you. You have just left it up to the magic of the Magic Sky Man.

16. You believe that the sky can somehow magically be rolled up like a scroll, and you believe that a Sky Dragon can somehow magically toss a third of the stars down upon the earth, and that the earth will somehow magically survive this assault.

17. You believe that the universe is magically being held together by an Invisible Man who lives in the Sky.

18. You believe that the Magic Sky Man is preparing to ride His Sky Horse down from the Sky Kingdom very soon. You find yourself filled with joyous anticipation at the thought of the senseless torture and slaughter of billions of non-Christian people who will then be tossed into a flaming torture chamber forever to be BBQed without mercy and without any hope of reprieve because when these horrific events occur it signals the end of the line for the Talking Snake and his evil minions (including those pesky rational, thinking people) and the beginning of a wonderful magical eternal life for you up in the Sky with your Three Invisible Friends who are somehow magically One Invisible Friend.

Also see, "You might be a True Christian™ if..."

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